Vasectomy Before Children?

Jen in York, PA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 14:20:10 GMT

I think it's awesome! I will be 30 in Dec and have been on depo for 12 years. I am also thinking about getting my tubes tied but the depo is just perfect for me since I also don't want periods. I am an only child and have never wanted kids. I think it's great that some men are choosing for themselves what they want and not letting women pressure them into having kids. I am also looking for a man that doesn't have kids and doesn't want any. I also don't think that because we dont want kids, that we are in some way defective or have relationship issues. Kids aren't for everyone.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Kathy, Colorado — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 14:20:36 GMT

Toby, are you able to get a reversal operation if later you choose too? I applaud what you did, not bringing another unwanted child in the world. Kathy

Vasectomy Before Children?

Marnie, Salt Lake City, Utah — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 14:22:22 GMT

I think Mr. Byrum's decision is a testament to the selfishness of many people in today's society.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Marissa Love, Denver, CO — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 14:25:03 GMT

I only wish that this decision was so easy for the majority of women in the United States who choose sterility. Countless times I have talked with women who have decided that they would like to have a tubal ligation - either after children of before - and they are confronted by doctor's around this country that shut them down. Excuses like: "you must be 25 years old before", "you must have at least 3 children", "you must be married and have the consent of your husband". I am all in support of men choosing to end their fertility (my husband recently did), but this piece only reminded me of the double standard that women are faced with.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Liane Mann Boxford, MA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 14:25:43 GMT

I am a licensed psychotherapist in MA., and can't help but wonder how much a toxic dose of narcissism fuels Todd's choice. (Baggage from childhood too much or not enough mirroring by his parents??)His choice has set the groundwork for him to focus his energy on pursuits and achievements at the expense of meaningful (and sometimes messy)relationships, but what about generativity (giving back to the world)? His choice and apparent lack of ultruism can result in a lonely old man, with nothing meaningful to review when it comes time to do his end of life stage of life emotional reflection. I do not see his sense of spirituality...is he spiritually bankrupt? I feel saddened for not just his choice about vasectomy, but his focus on self! Leaving a legacy does not only mean having children, but giving back to the world for the next generation. I didn't hear him discuss his ultruistic pursuits, only his "lifestyle"... Being blessed with a spouse and family does not happen to all who hope for it, but he may want to consider his human need for generativity, and spirituality. Todd needs to grasp the mind, body, and spirit that makes up each person and develop each of these parts of himself. It's not all about him, I guess. I hope he doesn't wait to long to discover this

Liane Mann, LICSW

Vasectomy Before Children?

Brian Boise, ID — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 14:26:11 GMT

I had a vasectomy when I was 26. It was a choice my wife and I made together, however I found myself widowed at 35 and back in the dating pool. Although many available women my age already had children or were 'ready to settle down', it wasn't difficult to find women with similar childless beliefs. I have now remarried and my wife is happy with my decision, as 'birth control' is no longer a concern for her.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Patti Parsons, Billings, MT — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 14:26:58 GMT

Why is it OK for men to have vasectomies before they have children.....but women have to be at least 25 to 30 years old AND have 2 children BEFORE doctors will consider tubal ligations??? (Unless they have one for medical reasons) There are plenty of women in this world that do not want children either, but it seems to me they are not,in 2007, given the same options of becoming sterile as men.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Tiffany Jones Golconda Illinois — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 14:28:16 GMT

Is love making still the same as it was before??

Vasectomy Before Children?

Deena Florence, AL — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 14:30:02 GMT

I think this is a mistake particularly for a young man. Your wants and needs tend to change as you get older. Plus what will happen if he meets the lady of his dreams and decides he would love to have a child with her??

Vasectomy Before Children?

Ceci Weaver-Scelzo, Miami, Florida — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 14:35:05 GMT

Thank you for airing this story. Living in a world where everyone thinks you are a freak for not wanting kids this story is definately refreshing. My husband and I have been together for 16 years without children. We both love our nieces, nephews and godchildren but we do not want any of our own. Koodos to the men who know what they want out of life. Thanks again.

Vasectomy Before Children?

chris hartman — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 14:35:05 GMT

i applaud toby 100%. i had my tubes ties at 26, and never had second thoughts, i am now 37. i'm so tired of people thinking you have to have kids, because that's what everyone does. i have a niece, nephew & friends kids, why would i want the hassle, time, energy, not to mention money spent on haveing my own. i may be selfish, but at least i'm selfish before the fact, not after i'm already stuck with them like alot of people.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Lorraine Cagliostro — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 14:38:26 GMT

Kudos to Toby Byrum for his willingness to admit that he does not want to be a parent. If society would cease the unending mindless pressure to have children (as exhibited by your above question...using the term "childless" as opposed to "childfree") I believe there would be far more people making the same choice.

Most of those whom are "parents" do not qualify for the title...children are neglected, abused, and even murdered by their “parents”. They are used as pawns in divorce cases, raised by strangers as both "parents” work full time and more...to afford children that they don't even have time to raise. Even those “parents” that appear to be “good” often spend little if any time with their children…to the point where their kids are virtual strangers to them…which is proven time and time again when parents claim they had no idea that their child was on drugs, committing crimes, etc.

I think that your mental health consultant Dr. Laura Berman should focus more upon the “baggage” that prompts people to have children when they don’t really want them, or are poorly positioned to parent them adequately, as THAT decision is the one most harmful…as the unwanted child is the one who suffers……often in irreparable ways.

It seems that regardless of a persons ability to raise a child, they are praised and applauded for the fact that they are biologically able to reproduce…no questions asked…regardless of how ill equipped they may be to manage the life of another…often when they have failed at managing their own life.

Meanwhile, responsible people such as the Toby Byrum’s of the world are those who are suspect in their reasons and motives...and are questioned repeatedly...as if they are far less self aware than those who have children.

Although no one can stop someone from having a child, we as a society can stop rewarding and idolizing those who do so irresponsibly, by emphasizing that those people who have enough self awareness to realize that they would not do well as a parent should be those who are applauded and praised.

Anyone with a working reproductive system can make babies…far, far fewer have the ability and/or desire to make the sacrifices necessary to raise those babies to be productive, caring and responsible adults.

It is high time that we accept reality…and stop trying to brainwash people in to thinking that they must “carry on the family name” and that a life without offspring can’t be rewarding or is an unnatural way in which to live. Where is the value added in such behavior?

We need to support those people who have the courage to admit that they would not make a good parent….instead of ostracizing them…or showing them in a negative light by categorizing their choice as "less" as opposed to "free".

Until that time, we can continue to expect the children of those “reluctant” parents who have those children simply to please their family their friends, their spouses and society to be the true victims of our blind denial.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Barbara Rauch — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 14:38:44 GMT

As a mother of 2 grown daughters I am always vigilant of their safety & well being. I would still question the vasectomy theory for a single man & his motives. I would also caution women to remember that just because a man has a vasectomy it doesn't mean that there is no need to use protection against EST or HIV.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Lisa Bradshaw, Elk Ridge, UT — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 14:41:27 GMT

Toby-I respect your right to choose but what about when you are in your 60's and 70's and there are no children or grandchildren to visit you? Friends are great but no one loves or cares like family. My husband didn't want children at the age of 27 when we got married but after having his first he was never the same. The magnitude of it all really hit him. Now, after FIVE children, his whole life revolves around his kids. We have so much fun doing things together. There has never been anything more selfless nor rewarding as having a family and the love I feel for my husband has grown with each child. I hope you never rule out the possibility of becoming the father to someone else's child someday. Being a good parent really means more than anything else you will ever accomplish in this life.

Vasectomy Before Children?

madison ohio — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 14:43:30 GMT

Typical.Men have always power over their reprodotive lives. I am 35 now.I wanted my tubed tied at 21. I have been with my husband for 15 years. I take 6 different medications that cause birth defects. @ of the medications made the pill "less effective". I was unable to have an IUD due to uterine fibroids, and condoms were not a great solution. Some times they break. I would never want to terminate a pregnancy,nor would I want to carry a child exposed to these medications. I always new I never wanted to "give birth" I even told my husband on our 1st date. No doctor would give me a tubal ligation until I was 33. I am tired of hearing women have options. We surely do not have the same rights over our bodies as men.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Brian Lawson, Phoenix AZ — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 14:47:55 GMT

Doesn't Sanders have any other clothes to wear? I've seen that exact outfit the past three days. You think an vice pres of marketing would market themselves a little better.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Patti Parsons, Billings, MT — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 14:50:43 GMT

When women want to have a tubal ligation, they are told they have to be 25-30 years old AND have 2 children (unless there is a medical reason not to have children). Why is it OK, then, for men to have a vasectomy without having children???

Vasectomy Before Children?

Tiff, Cleveland, Ohio — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 14:51:20 GMT

Toby was asked if any doctors discouraged him - and his response was no. Why is it OK for men to decide their own reproduction fate and women have a MUCH more difficult, if not near impossible, time even finding a doctor that thinks a woman should be able to make up her mind about children? I've not wanted children since I was 15, I'm now 33, still single, and still NOT wanting children. It's difficult to even find a doctor that would do the tube tie operation. My married friend's husband had to sign his life away to give his wife PERMISSION to get a tube tie. The patriarchal based medical industry is very frustrating.

If you want a deeper story than someone just not wanting kids, check into women that actually want a hysterectomy of some sort or a bilateral salpingo oophorectomy. I know of many women that would like an extreme procedure of this caliber for health benefits as well as thier own lifestyle choice.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Becky Price, Claymont, DE — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 14:56:33 GMT

I just can't help but think Toby must be extremely selfish. If he does meet the woman of his dreams, shouldn't that decision be made jointly -- unless the woman is as selfish as he is. I feel sorry for him. I have a daughter that I cherish and would give up my life to save hers. Children are a blessing!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Sabrina, Kansas City, MO — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 14:58:22 GMT

Bravo to the Today Show and NBC for not only addressing a childfree lifestyle in a neutral/positive way, but also interviewing a gentleman. Most often, ladies who make this decision are the focus. Men have their own opinions and thoughts on parenthood just as women do.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Shelly, Newark, DE — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 14:59:48 GMT

Toby may you never go through what I am about to tell you. I was just like you in my 20's. I vehemently did not want children. My view was that I thought the world was too populated and that we did not need another child in this world. I was cynical. There was so much cruelty in this world, why would anyone want to bring a human being into existence? Additionally my parents were divorced and knowing the divorce rate statistics, again why would anyone do such a cruel thing to a child? Anyway that was my view then.....

As Matt pointed out to you this morning, it could happen, things could change as it did for me.

As fate had it, I did get a divorce from my first husband and whew was I ever so glad we did not have kids! I was absolutely right! Ha - I thought.

Then I met the love of my life...he was going through a divorce and on our first date he hit me with, "I have 2 kids". Wo! Should I run for the hills? But let me tell you, you can not help who you fall in love with if it is for real. I tried telling him to go away. I sent him away. But in less than 6 months we were married and now it is 14 years later.

Anyway the other thing he hit me with shortly after our first date was that he had had a vasectomy. It did not seem to bother me at first with my views anyway but things changed. My husband was granted visitation rights every other weekend with those kids and I say, "those" because they were not mine but soon those little devils worked their way into my heart and not intentionally mind you. They did not accept me but I became a major care taker for them and soon I found myself calling them "my" kids and then it hit me like a ton of bricks --- I wanted my own kids! But wait! There was that vasectomy issue! What now?? It almost ruined my marriage. My mind had changed but husband's had not. He was almost done raising his kids and did not want more. We were at a cross road. Fortunately for me, he loved me enough to go through a very long and expensive journey with me.

For you see after about a year with having a vasectomy, it becomes almost virtually irreversible since your body creates antibodies that attack the sperm. We went to his urologist early in our marriage to get him tested to see what his chances were for reversal and the results were grim not to mention the procedure was not going to be cheap.

We had no money and in fact faced bankruptcy for many years. It wasn't until we were in our 11th, 12th year of marriage did our finances get some what on track but now I was facing 40! So the odds were getting even worse!

While it is emotionally difficult for me to discuss what we actually went through I can tell you that we went through several failed attempts at IVF and over $30,000 to finally get my wonderful bundle of joy.

I even tried to get the Today show to cover my story but never got a reply. My story was heart wrenching. Therefore I don't know how you even caught their eye.

I can tell you that today there is nothing more joyful than to hear my daughter's voice, see her smiling face, and get a hug from her. The way she looks at you makes your heart melt and after a long hard day she can make all your troubles go away.

Who cares that the world is cold cruel place full of terrible things. In our own little world everything is bright! I can tell you that I am happier now than I have ever been in my life and I am so glad that God did not hold my views against me.

There is nothing that can replace the love for and the love from a child.

As my mother always told me growing up, "Be careful of what you wish for, you just might get it!"

Vasectomy Before Children?

Terry , Colorado Springs, Colorado — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:01:01 GMT

At 21 my husband prior to our marrage had a vasectomy. He really believed he didn't want to ever have children. He told me on our first date the decision he had already made. I felt that he had made a mistake but as Byrum stated there was no going back. We moved forward, got married and at the age 28 he stated he wish that we could have a baby! Someone to share our lives and love with. When my husband was 30 we adopted a beautiful baby girl. The cost of the adoption was over $15.000. He did regret the discision to have the vasectomy at such a young age (I was shocked that a Dr. would even do a vasectomy on such a young person) He also was not informed about sperm banking so that wasn't done. But I'm sure that would have been cheaper than adoption. Our thought now put some (sperm) aside, if you never choose to use it fine but alot happens in life, things and people change. You might just decide to take a trip to the bank.

Vasectomy Before Children?

J. Cherry, Amherst MA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:01:50 GMT

I wanted to comment on this morning's segment that Matt did about male vasectomy. I'm glad that it's being brought to the public's attention so that more men can feel supported in that decision. It's definitely something that counters what society tells males it means to be "a man". However, I did find that most of the segment was quite sexist, and would appreciate a look at women's choice too. Here are my concerns with the segment.

1. While we praise young men for making this choice, society creates barriers for young women (especially if she has not given birth yet) to make this choice. It would be difficult to find a provider who would agree to do a tubal ligation on a young woman. We've created this double standard that men can say it's ok to not have children, but we don't trust young women to make that same decision.

2. At one point in the segment, Matt talks to the guest about how this choice has lead to this guest's "family legacy" ending if he does not have a male child. What a sexist comment! We live in a culture that provides females with the option of keeping their last name if they so choose. Furthermore, just because someone has decided not to have a genetic child, does not mean that later in life that can't choose to adopt or foster. I think the guest made a good point when he talked about the vanity that he feels when thinking about only having a genetic child.

3. At the end of the interview with the provider, they talk about other things that males who have vasectomies have to worry about. Here they cut to the a scene and discussion of how relationships can be more difficult. However, what I feel is even more important is the false sense of security when we talk about sexual health that males may feel once they've had this procedure. They are still at risk for getting and transmitting sexually transmitted infections, which can be just as big of an issue as unwanted pregnancy. It's a shame that this discussion did not even take place.

I hope in the future, segments on sexual health choices will be less sexist and be more geared to the current needs of people who are sexually active.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Jane doe — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:16:22 GMT

I think it is okay to be with out children. I am a mother of 2. The world is full of women who have had children and abused them. If he knows he does not want any great. Maybe more women should stand up so that children are not harmed but loved by those who want the. I don't think anyone should call this man selfish.

Vasectomy Before Children?

I, Brooklyn, New York — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:17:11 GMT

Unfortunatly my husband and I are facing infertility. I belong to an online infertility support group and have encountered countless couples who are suffering because they have not been able to successfully reverse sterilization. I wonder what really led Mr. Byrum to make this drastic decision at such a young age...especially without a partner. It seems very neurotic to be so worried about procreating if your not in a relationship. And if he is that sexually active (which was not addressed by the segment), shouldn't he wear a condom!
Mr. Byrum, not all those with children "live in the suburbs"...and those that do aren't necesarily leading mundane lives. I totally respect your decision to remain childless (not everyone wants children or is cut out for parenting), but I think your judgemental comments are really a cover for what's really going on inside you.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Andrey, Berkeley, CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:19:13 GMT

The guy is only 28. His views on having/not having kids may change as he gets older. People change. He made an irreversible action which he might regret later in his life. There are other ways to control reproductive function.

I am 31. 3 years ago I also cold not imagine taking the responsibility of having children. I've had life experiences since then that have completely changed my views.

Vasectomy Before Children?

bobby eidem — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:21:16 GMT

i have know some men that has had a vasectomie. and found as the years went by....they meet a mate and have a reversal......doesn't love have a lot to do with that decision....you havn't mention that! thanks bobby e.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Heidi, San Diego, CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:22:54 GMT

Too many people have children because "they are supposed to" and end up not being as good of a parent as their children need (not involved, verbally or physically abusive, you name it). Men and women should not have to succomb to the peer pressure society places on us of having children. Way to go, Toby!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Sam, Dallas, TX — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:22:58 GMT

Selfish generation - this is another indication of the complete lack of responsibility that this generation is chasing....what a lazy dope - when he can use a condom but is willing to cut off any loving women who want children! I want to ask him who will take care of him when he is old and in a nursing home and wishing he had a child who would be sure he could live out his life in comfort and safely and feel that someone truly cared for him - he will reflect back and realize what a foolish, selfish decision he made at such a young age...I feel sorry for him!

Vasectomy Before Children?

allison mein, lafayette, ca — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:23:13 GMT

I think Toby is very young and very naive. Also, a vasectomy is reversable so when he says it is an ultimate decision, he could change it.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Aly, San Diego — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:23:28 GMT

As a caregiver of my elderly father, I feel sorry for Toby. No kids to have fun with, share with and to turn to when you need them. Tell him to buy some really good long-term care insurance and pray he finds somewhere good. Nothing can compare to the love family gives you.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Sherry, Grants Pass, OR — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:23:39 GMT

I think Toby did a fantastic thing and I am glad that doctors are finally letting young people do this! My best friend was 22 when he went in and asked for a vasectomy and they turned him away. I asked starting at 30 if I could have my tubes tied and was argued with. It wasn't until I turned 37 that a doctor finally asked me why I hadn't had my tubes tied. NO ONE WOULD LET ME! Of course most women think I am either crazy or selfish. Personally, I think it is one of the best things a person could do if they are not into the parenting thing.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Alison, Houston, TX — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:23:40 GMT

What does Toby have planned for his later years? Many people like to spend time with their families. Children also help their parents through the last years of their lives with things like taking over their finances and healthcare.

What about friends? Do alot of his friends have children? Will he have as much in common with his friends, if they have families?

Vasectomy Before Children?

Sandy Kay Las Vegas, NV — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:23:57 GMT

I applaud Toby for his decision. I have always known that I did not want children. I tried to have my tubes tied when I was in my mid 20's, but could not find a doctor that would do it. It is not a crime nor is it selfish to choose to be child free.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Angel, Indiana — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:24:32 GMT

Many Christian men across the country have chosen to follow God's design for marriage and have had reversals of their vasectomies. Their reversals have been successful. One close friend has had several children since his reversal. He also had been told it wasn't reversable, originally. Yet, Christian doctors across the country connected with a Christian ministry have proven otherwise.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Vicki, Eldon, Missouri — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:26:19 GMT

I was curious if your how your family feels about you ending the lineage with this decision. Are they supportive, or do they harbor hard feeling toward you for not having children?

Vasectomy Before Children?

Karen, Anaheim, Ca — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:27:00 GMT

I think this may be the start of discussion for other males, of all cultures, to consider vasectomy as an option. I wish our government would offer free, or very low cost, vasectomy's to men, especially for those who continue to have children and can't afford to provide for them. I am a Catholic and chose to only have 2 children that I know I can afford to provide diapers, formula, shelter, and plenty of love for. (this is my soapbox as a RN and a mother, that we should only have kids if we can provide what is needed to care for them, without relying on others to pay for them).

Vasectomy Before Children?

Juliet, Phoenix, AZ — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:27:27 GMT

Where's the story about women who want to have tubal ligation? I have SEVERAL friends who want tubal ligation, but their doctor won't allow them to get it becasue of several reasons. The primary issue, however, is that to this day the medical profession will not allow women to make their OWN choices about their bodies. Yes, there are questions that need to be answered, but if a woman decides to have her tubes tied, why can't she? Clearly, with your story, it's ok for a MAN to decide to have vasectomy. I wish that the Today show would do a story about women who want to do the same and take control of their reproductive organs.

For all the unwanted children and the children being raised in sub-standard situations, I think we should be applauding those who choose to not have children. This man won't be manipulated into having a child, or tricked into a permanent relationship in the future. That should be praised!

It seems there are several double standards here. We, as a society, condemn men who don't take care of their children, "dead-beat" dads. However, when a man chooses to get "clipped", we question his motives and wonder if he isn't psychologically wounded.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Jillian, Coupeville,Wash. — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:29:58 GMT

I am 45 years old I had a total abdominal hysterectomy at 25 due to cancer, I have one child from a previous marriage. I wish I could have more with my present husband; however life is what it is... This young gentleman (Toby) has the right to choose. We defend a women's right to choose, are men not equal? I applaud his "courage of conviction" even if my thoughts on the subject go in a different direction.
Very poignant segment!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Alexa Jones — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:32:09 GMT

If it even crosses your mind that you might not want to have kids you are better off having the procedure done as you would probably be an AWFUL parent anyway and society is better off without people like you raising kids without any love. I think its so disgusting and inhuman to do something like this to yourself but it's your life..do what you want

Vasectomy Before Children?

Laura, Danbury CT — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:34:31 GMT

Some people may think Toby's decision is a selfish one, I disagree. There are too many unwanted pregnancies and the children are becoming the innocent victims.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Ms Martinez, San Antonio TX — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:34:35 GMT

Her is another advantage for men, I find hard to hear and would love a doctor to explain to me. I've known since the age of 25 that I can not have children. Due to female problems over the past 15 years I have had an ovary rupture, my uterus scraped and my fallopian tubes removed, I nearly died twice from almost bleeding to death. But doctors always refused to do a partial hysterectomy on me due to my age. Your too young, I'm 40 now and my medical situation isn't any better. The choice no matter the situation should be up to the individual not a doctor. Just like a man can put sperm away for the future (in case he changes his mind), a women can do the same with her ovaries and eggs.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Paula, San Diego, CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:34:46 GMT

People who do not want children are not selfish. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent, and those who recognize this in themselves should be applauded.

So many children are conceived for the wrong reasons and face a childhood lacking in the love they need to develop a healthy start.

I had a tubal ligation at 30. I knew parenthood was not for me at about the age of 14 and have never changed my mind. I am now in my 40s.

My decision has cost me some romantic relationships but this is not an area where one should compromise. It's not fair to anyone in the equation.

Deciding whether or not to be a parent is a very personal choice. I never took the decision lightly, but it was the right and only choice for me.

Vasectomy Before Children?

george kirkpatrick , fieldbrook, CA. — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:35:31 GMT

thank you for doing these segments. It's a little discussed subject and with the human impact on the earth
becoming more evident. Population moderation might just
be a causal factor in global warming. Esp. Americans and
there lifestyle.
BTW. I got a vasectomy 15 years ago and never regreted
it.
Thanks again for fulfilling TV's potential.
Peace. g.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Mark, Gilbert, Arizona — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:35:39 GMT

It's very sad to see people with little or no real direction or purpose to their existence... and when that happens they only can appease their immediate desires. I am a married man with 5 children, and while it hasn't been easy, I believe that marriage and family is at the very core of what we are doing here on this earth. It's sad to see a man choosing what he considers an "easier route" for him, but in the long run will, instead, provide him with loneliness and unfulfilled memories. The only way to happiness in this life is to do something outside of yourself.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Holly Hope Livingston Newport WA state — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:35:59 GMT

Hooray for all those who choose not to have children. After my divorce at 30 years of age, I decided I did not want to bear children. Friends didn't understand. I got comments like; don't you like children?, can't you have children?, Who's going to take care of you when you are old?, You'll regret it when you're old and there's no one to take care of you. Ha, Ha. I just didn't have the maternal urge to reproduce. My mother was not a nurturing mother so, maybe that's where my feelings came from. Not once have I regretted my decision. I'm 64 years old and have had an incredible life without children. The world has changed and I have no regrets!

You may publish this along with my name, I'm not ashamed!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Steve M. Sacramento, CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:41:31 GMT

I have two sons from my first marraige and then a vascetomy. Followining years resulted in another marraige and a vaso-vasasctomy at my age of of 41 and my/our daughter was conceived the Friday after Thanks Giving in 1991 @ about 9:45 A:M in Cancun MX. Steve M

Vasectomy Before Children?

Amy, Las Vegas, Nevada — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 15:43:46 GMT

I wish there were more men like Toby in this world. I am a 36 year old woman living in Las Vegas. I know from personal experience that not wanting children presents many social challenges, mostly because everyone is so quick to judge everyone else. Life is a series of choices, and eveyone is free to make their own based on what they want out of their life. Not everyone is meant to parent. It is a choice I made for myself a long time ago. Thank you for airing this story because it gives me hope that I will one day find someone who feels the same way I do!

Vasectomy Before Children?

John Williams, Dover, DE — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 16:05:46 GMT

I had a vasectomy at age 28 as well. I wanted children but my wife at the time didn't. She wanted to get her tubes tied, but the doctor counseled us that it was safer for me to get a vasectomy than for her to get a tubal ligation. We opted for my vasectomy. Six months later she had an affair and we divorced. I am now married to a fantastic lady who was accepting of me despite the procedure. I say this because she already had two children and wanted more. She married me anyway. If there is one day in my life I could take back, it would be the day I had my vasectomy. Remember this is a permanent solution. I now have had a lifetime of regret over this decision.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Cresha Easter Lancaster Ca — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 16:06:23 GMT

Hi Toby,
I'm a 36 year old mother of 3, and I had my tubes tied very, very early. I had it done out of being pressures by family and misleading information. I'm older now my 1st marriage my husband <-no kids) want to have a baby, but I truly regret that I didn't make wiser decisions. There is reversal and IVF options their not cheap, and not a guarantee I will have a baby. So from experience I advice women and men just choose very wisely....

Vasectomy Before Children?

Jana, New Jersey — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 16:12:14 GMT

How refreshing today's segment was! The Today show should do another follow up segment really examining this issue on a deeper level. I'm a firm believer that the majority of people who have children regret it, but would never admit it. I believe almost all people have children because they feel "it's the thing to do" and some end up liking it and others don't.

Having children is a choice and choosing not to needs more attention and positive accolades surrounding it. Having children is not the most fulfilling aspect of life, so when will society stop pushing this fantasy?

Again, the Today show should interview or do an entire week segment on childfree living by choice...it would be ground breaking and would get a lot of attention because there are a lot of loving responsible adults out there that love kids, but choose not to have that responsibility. We're not evil people, but probably happier people and more fulfilled than those who have children!!! No parent would admit that though.

Vasectomy Before Children?

R Williams, Boise, Idaho — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 16:21:50 GMT

I am 34 years old, I have no children and I had my tubes tied almost 1 year ago. I have never wanted children, and decided with my doctor, that a tubal ligation would be the best decision for me. My doctor did not hassel me about it and did not ask me if I was sure. I made my appointment more than a month out so it gave me plenty of time to think it over. I did not change my mind. I applaud Toby's decision by taking responsibility for his own decisions and not putting it on the woman. I do not think it is selfish to not have children, in fact, I think it is selfish to have children when you really do not want to be a parent. I made this decision because I enjoy my life the way it is and I don't want to change it. I say that it is a personal decision and it is nobody else's business.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Kayleen, Harrisburg, PA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 16:21:57 GMT

I'd just like to bring up one point, say he decided he was wrong and wanted children, why is it that having your own biological child is the only option; what happened to foster care or adoption? Can you only be a loving parent if the child is physically yours?

Vasectomy Before Children?

Debra Mollen, Lewisville, Texas — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 16:33:55 GMT

It seems quite paradoxical to call people who make the conscious decision not to have children selfish but then ask how the person will cope in old age when there are no adult children to take care of them.

Having children is not the only way to make a contribution to the world or to leave a legacy. Plenty of childfree people have full lives and make tremendous contributions through their work, relationships with others, volunteerism, etc.

I also wonder why so many people seem worried that someone who has had a vasectomy (or tubal ligation) might change their minds later, yet we never seem to caution parents that they might well change their minds later--in fact, half of the pregnancies in the U.S. are unintended, so clearly many parents are not making the kind of conscious, deliberate, and thoughtful decisions that childfree adults do.

Vasectomy Before Children?

A.J., St. Louis, MO — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 16:37:03 GMT

I'm glad that this selfish man will not be able to reproduce! To shape a future based entirely around ones self is indicative of an ego-centric personality. To think he can control even his own thoughts and wishes, let alone those of a future spouse, is short-sighted and naive. He strikes me as a person who needs complete control of every aspect of his life. Good luck with that!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Deborah M, Zephyrhills, Fl. — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 16:38:45 GMT

I would like to know why a man can have this done but a woman needs to have a man's OK to have her tubes tied?!

When I was in the State of Oregon I wanted a hysterectomy so that I would not have another tubular pregnancy. I was told that I could not do that it was against the law for a woman to have that done as I was still in child baring years and even though this was the 2nd child I had to have cut from me!! I then asked that they cut and tie my tubes they still told me no but if my then husband said that I could have it then they would do it!!! He did not want this to happen till I told him that the next child I had would kill me as no one would know if I was pregnant ever again as I would never again get a child cut from me!!! I was 38 years old BELIEVE ME THAT TOLD ME I HAVE NO RIGHTS OVER MY OWN BODY AND I RESENT ANY MAN BEING ABLE TO DO THIS WITHOUT BEING TOLD NO HE WAS STILL IN CHILD BARING YEARS!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Melissa, Calfornia — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 16:44:38 GMT

Wow, some of these comments are so judgmental! J

If Toby changes his mind some day, he can experience all the joy of parenthood by adopting or as a step-parent. Just because he chooses not to have his own biological child, he can still decide to share his life with a child some day.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Terry — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 16:45:39 GMT

Any doctors here? Could you answer/clarify a question for me - isn't it possible that a man can reverse a vasectomy? I know someone who had two children and had a vasectomy in his mid 20's because he and his wife didn't want any more children. But after a few years he and his wife decided they wanted another child after all and he had his vasectomy reversed so they could have the child.

Vasectomy Before Children?

bob st. petersburg, fl — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 16:47:15 GMT

Good sorty. Just a couple of things. It is the dr's choice as far as doing the tubal ligation goes and what is required as far as children and age of the woman, etc. His business choices are his business choices. There sure are a lot of comments here and I think that the selfish ones are those who condemn and wonder who will care for im as he ages. Karen,vasectomies are available at low cost through several programs. You should contact your local Health Dept. Family Planning clinic. Vaectomies are avialable through health depts across the country.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Jane Doe, TX — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 16:47:53 GMT

I'm just wondering if the today show or any nbc show will look into the double standards. I'm 31 yrs old and doctors still refuse to tie my tubes because I have no children and I'm not involved in a "serious" relationship.I have known I don't want kids for a long time and I've had an abortion because birth control is not 100%.Last time I tried to get my tubes tied I was about to turn 30 and I was still told no.

Vasectomy Before Children?

DaK. A., Burleson, TX — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 16:55:08 GMT

I cannot have children and I have had female issues since I started puberty but my options are - well I have no options really. I've been talking to doctors about a hysterectomy since I was in my mid to late 20's. I'm 35 now and still have to suffer every month because the doctors don't want to do the surgery. I've even had a uterin ablation which means I cannot have children (I already couldn't before this) and it didn't take. Yet I find it hard to find a doctor who will give me a hysterectomy. I want children, but I don't want to have children. I plan on adopting when I'm 40. But if I haven't been able to have the surgery I so desperately want, there's no way I'll bring a child into my home while I'm going through my female issues.

I'm glad you had this topic on your show, but you really should do a follow up about how easy it is for men to decide to become sterile versus how hard it is for women to make the exact same choices. I know hormones and such are involved with women and not with men and there are a lot of other factors, but honestly it shouldn't matter. We as women should have the same choices if not more choices about our bodies than men do about theirs.

Vasectomy Before Children?

steve portland oregon — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 17:05:25 GMT

I think it is just fine for a man t have the right to choose, after all it is difficult to have that right once the women is pregnant.Afterall it is the mans body, call it selfish and whatever other ajectives you want to use, but afterall this is his life and and choice.
Any women that he dates, it should be known to them so they can choose to stay or leave him.
If a couple openly agree to the arrangement of his vasectemy than both of them know what they have, it is afterall about honesty.
I see a lot of parents that really should not have children that do anyway, also a man who knows he does not want them or feel it is in his life plan should be able to make this choice.
I support his decision to have the vasectemy, it is his choice, (his body, his choice)!!!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Anne-Marie, Charleston, SC — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 17:14:54 GMT

My then-36 year old husband had a vasectomy, with my complete blessing, about 6 months after our marriage. I was 32 and had known my entire life that I never wanted kids. We've been married almost 13 years and couldn't be happier. Sorry to disappoint some of you, but there are large numbers of perfectly well-adjusted, healthy and happy adults out there who do NOT think kids are a blessing, a gift from God, or anything of the sort. There is no guarantee that any child will "be there" for a parent in their old age, possibly the worst reason to consider having them in the first place. Those who are experiencing regret over a permanent sterilization decision didn't think it through carefully enough, or did it for the wrong reasons (i.e., because their spouse wanted it and they didn't). One thing I do know for sure is that many posters here are absolutely correct when they say that it's far easier for a man to get a vasectomy than it is for a woman to get a tubal ligation. I inquired of five different doctors back in my mid-30s about tubal ligation and all refused to do it (this was in the 1990s, not the dark ages!). My husband went to the doctor and had it done right in his office as an outpatient procedure that very day. When he came home I asked if the doctor said anything about speaking with me to get my input, and he said no, not at all. Unbelievably unenlightened and just plain WRONG that it should be any more difficult for a woman to exercise control over her own body. But then again, the holier-than-thou right-to-lifers have been trying to do that forever, I suppose doctors think they can do it too.

Vasectomy Before Children?

caren peterson,pemberton,nj — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 17:27:26 GMT

I think its great for some women like myself because I am 26 years old and I don't want children. So if you know of any 26-33 year old men who have had that procedure hit me up at petersoncaren@yahoo.com.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Nancy mesa, Az — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 17:39:28 GMT

Yay, Toby!!! Where were you when I was younger? I am a woman who never wanted children.I was vigilant about using the pill. I was willing to have a tubal ligation but it would've been tricky due to my age and not having had any kids.
What i found was that men i cared about wanted children. i wouldn't change my position and never felt it was fair to marry a man who wanted a family. I would've been so thrilled to meet a man who had a definite opinion and desire to not procreate. I do applaud Toby and hope there are other men who can be so wise and practical. I also enjoy meeting women who have the same view.If people sincerely want children they should. it isn't for everyone and they should not bow to the pressure. Children deserve loving parents!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Chantilly Lovelace, Elk CIty, KS — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 17:40:21 GMT

Good for him! We are rare, but there are a few of us who don't hear our biological clocks ticking (and wonder if we even have them) and would relish being able to have a relationship with a man who has taken care of the contraception issue permanently so we don't have to go through major surgery or take pills until menopause. Had I met a man like Toby when I was in my early 30's, I would have relished the opportunity to form a relationship.

Vasectomy Before Children?

JoAn Day, Josephine, Alabama — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 17:47:07 GMT

In the early 1970s my 32-year old sister died of breast cancer. Since she had taken birth control pills which were thought to have a connection with cancer and my husband and I, living on a sailboat, were quite certain we did not want to have children, we opted for a seventy-five dollar vascectomy (he was 28, I was 26). Eight years later we changed our minds because we believed we had knowledge worthy of passing along to future generations. I wrote to medical schools asking if they were performing vascectomy reversals and if so what were the success rates. The University of South Florida Medical School had the best results (85% success in reopening the tube, 50% of which produced enough sperm to impregnate). Fortunately, we were both from St. Petersburg so we had the three thousand dollar surgery at Tampa General Hospital in June 1980. In October 1981, a month before my 35th birthday our first son was born, a second was born in 1984 and our daughter was born in 1986 five months before I turned 40, easy pregnancies, easy births, perfect babies. To each his own and I respect Mr. Byrum a heck of a lot more than I respect those who conceive out of lust rather than love. I am presently caring for my 86-year old invalid mother and am extremely grateful that I, too, have a daughter to take care of her mother when she gets old and needs help (and yes, I do believe that it is the daughters who usually assume that role).

Vasectomy Before Children?

Chantilly Lovelace, Elk City, KS — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 17:51:12 GMT

To AJ in St. Louis:

Not all men and women who choose a childless life even though all the reproductive organs work just fine are selfish. I'm a woman who decided early on that I didn't want to be a parent. Good thing too because it took me a very long time to work through significant emotional issues that a child would have ended up suffering through. Not fair to do THAT to a kid. At 41, I completed an M.Div degree and am a pastor. I now have a smidge of understanding why the Catholic church asks celibacy from their priests, monks, and nuns. Family and church tend to be institutions that can pull even the best people into shreds. I've accepted my call to church and although I can be married as a Protestant pastor, it will be to a man who's children are grown and has had a vasectomy, or a man like Toby who decided to forego children and get one. Given that the two of us would be heavily involved in the church in our own capacities, us having children would probably end up a stress filled mess.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Mel, Cincinati, OH — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 18:00:35 GMT

As a 30 year old woman, I applaud Toby's decision. If he decides for himself that he doesn't want children, then who are any of you to say that he is selfish. I think it is selfish to have a child when you know you won't be able to provide them the best life possible. Also, a vasectomy is reversible!! My Aunt and Uncle had 3 children ages 17, 14, and 11. My Aunt passed away from cancer and my Uncle later remarried a woman who didn't have children of her own. He was at 18 years after his vas and had it reversed and had a healthy baby girl. It is definitely less permanent than a tubal which is probably why it is easier for a man to be sterilized. Ladies, I know it's unfair but at least we have other options available to us (pill, shot, diaphram, female condom, ring, patch etc...). A man's only other option is a condom.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Anonymous Female in Denver CO — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 18:15:24 GMT

People keep suggesting that not wanting a child is a selfish choice. Isn't it just as selfish to say you want kids so you can have "someone to visit and take care of you when you are old"? YOU have kids so YOU will be taken care of? Come on people...think before you type! Those that choose to be childless aren't hurting anyone - so why all the ridicule?

Vasectomy Before Children?

J, Springfield, MO — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 18:15:34 GMT

My husband and I have made the decision not to have children. It seems like the general consensus is that those who decide not to have children are selfish human beings. I used to want to have children and I'm not quite sure what changed my mind, but for years I have not wanted children. I don't think that I would be the best parent I could be, and I don't want to force that onto an innocent child. My husband would be a fantastic father, but he comes from an unbeliveable amount of health issues in his family, including alcoholism. He doesn't want to pass on the genes from his family that could detrimentally affect a child. I also can't imagine bringing a child up in the world that we live in. I have niece's and a nephew, and I constantly worry for their safety. I wish people would open their eyes to the other factors in having children. Maybe those who make this choice have reasons that aren't purely selfish.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Carla R., Birmingham, AL — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 18:25:07 GMT

I don't have a problem with this mans decision, however if he were a woman wanting her tubes tied at this age, it would have NEVER happened. I am a 41 year old woman who has never wanted children and none of my doctors would have done this procedure for me. We still live in a country dominated by men and THEIR sexuality. They have their viagra and they sent on the supreme court and tell women what to do with their bodies every day. My insurance provider will cover viagra but not birth control. How stupid is this??? About as stupid as a four hour erection! Need I say more?

Vasectomy Before Children?

Steve Musson, Mason City, IA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 18:33:52 GMT

I had a vasectomy at age 23 before I was married. I am now 54 and my wife and I will celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary this year. No regrets - it was the right decision for me. The most difficult thing was finding a Dr. who would perform the operation on a 23 year old single man 30 years ago.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Arlene K., Washington DC — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 18:35:13 GMT

I really want more details from all of the people who say this man is "selfish". How? By wanting to make the best life for himself that he can? Where does it say that every person's responsibility is to breed? The human race would NEVER die out as a result of people choosing to not have children, so why do you care if someone you never even met does not want kids? And don't tell me that he's being selfish to his parents; it's not his responsibility to give them grandkids at the expense of what he feels is best for his life. If any of you out there had kids because you thought you "should", and/or to not be "selfish", then you really have my pity. Maybe one day you will wake up and realize you no longer want to be a door mat. Hopefully your kids will have the backbones you never developed.

Vasectomy Before Children?

CD — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 18:35:57 GMT

I am a single female and I don't want children. It's rare to find men who share my sentiment, so my question is...how I find these men?

Vasectomy Before Children?

Bill, Sioux Falls, SD — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 18:36:46 GMT

I keep seeing people refer to Mr. Byrum as selfish and asking about who will take care of him when he gets old.It sounds like he is, in a way, UNselfish. Having children so they can take care of you when you are old would be selfish. If people don't want children, it's best for everyone that they don't. Yes, it is a decision that he could regret later, but having a child and regretting it later would be much, much worse.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Ted, New York, New York — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 18:37:29 GMT

I am 35 and do not have any children; nor do I plan to. The fact is, I do not want children of my own and do not have the patience to be around them for any longer than a few minutes at a time. This procedure practically guarantees me I will not have to bring an unwanted baby into this world. While I will not judge others for their decisions, my decisions are what is best for me.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Rae — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 18:52:04 GMT

Im pregnant with my first child due this spring. He/she was not planned, but was a welcome suprise for my partner and me. This is the path that we have chosen for us, and we are happy and excited about it. For Toby, this is the path that he has chosen for himself, kudos to him. why bring a child into the world that is not wanted, when all kids want is to be loved, and cared for.if he chooses one day to father children, he can adopt or reverse the procedure and have his own with his partner. Until then why should a man be chastized for a personal decision.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Kaelene Mesa, AZ — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 18:52:09 GMT

I think he has NO clue of the possible joy and growth that he is missing out on!
To me, this makes as much sense as my 8-year old nephew saying, "I don't need any more school -- I already know everything!"
Just one more narcisist to worry about himself and nobody else! Congratulations, Toby!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Petra Darling, Emporia, KS — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 18:55:45 GMT

I'm a 21 year old female... I never want kids. It's not that I don't like them, I just don't want to bear them. If I want to be a parent, I'll adopt- there's lots of kids out there who need homes.

I can go into the military, I can get married, I can have a kid and raise it, I can get an abortion, I can get tattoos (I have four not-small ones), but I can't get a tubal ligation?

Something about that seems wrong, to me.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Ajay Smith — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 18:59:33 GMT

What a moron. Such a drastic decision when there are other alternatives available. I don't ever want to become addicted to alcohol, but I'm not going to go blow up every brewery out there. Dude, throw on a cover and have the self control to pull out. Actually, based on his thinking, I'm glad he did what he did--natural selection.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Michael, San Antonio, TX — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 19:00:24 GMT

This story is just a representation of the egotistical,shelfish society we live in today. Sorry if the gift of a child would ruin your dinner plans or your favorite dress! There is more to life than your own shelfish wants and needs.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Jonathon, Laguna Hills Ca — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 19:00:54 GMT

I applaued Mr Byrum for his decision. I too am a legacy. I am the last male of the family, if I don't have any children the name will end. I have 5 uncles that continued to pressure me to have children, (they have 7 daughters among them)I have absolutely no desire to have children. I have been in a relationship for 24 years, and neither of us has the desire. It works for us. I don't know where people get the notion that if you don't have 2.5 chidren you can't be happy. Our lives are full with family and community - and as childless couple we still can contribute to society.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Julie B, Seattle Washington — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 19:02:21 GMT

Men may choose to undergo a vasectomy because they don’t want kids today, but as many have commented, there are often reasons that men may change their mind. Thinking through the possibility that the man may change his mind, there is sperm freezing. Sperm cryopreservation (freezing) may be done for several reasons: cancer patients preparing to undergo radiation or chemotherapy that potentially may destroy sperm production, patients who are electing to have a vasectomy but wish to have sperm stored, and patients who are unavailable and wish to store sperm for their partner’s use. There are also procedures by which women can have their eggs frozen for similar reasons. One such clinic I’m aware of is Pacific NW Fertility in Seattle.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Damon Hopkins, San Antonio, Texas — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 19:03:28 GMT

I am 25 years old, and will be getting a vasectomy as soon as I can afford one. I do not really want kids myself. I can see why people want kids, but I can't find any of the same reasons in myself.

I will however store sperm away in case I want children later. I guess it's really about me having the ultimate choice of when I'm going to have children, rather than having one by accident when I'm not ready.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Jen, NC — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 19:04:14 GMT

I think Toby did a wonderful thing-thank goodness he is cutting off his genetic line. Thank goodness he will not be passing on his selfishness on to another generation.

I hope Toby is still enjoying his "choice" as he is sitting in his nursing home room watching his television alone. You'll know that he is the geezer next door complaining that you and your family won't keep it down as you're entertaining Grandma and having a good time with one another.

At least we know his room will be paid for with the millions of dollars he will no doubt have in his account when he dies...

Vasectomy Before Children?

Lucy — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 19:11:01 GMT

I don't have a problem with this young man not wanting children, I just wonder if he made this decision at too young of an age. I know that I don't think and feel the same way I did at 25 or 35 and I wonder if he will regret his decision, of course if he does, he can try to have the procedure reversed. What does bother be is how he is being judged as selfish. I am a 40 year old female with no children. It wasn't necessarily my plan to have no children, it just happened that way and I know that right now I could still possibly have a child, I just don't spend a lot of time worrying about it. If it happens great, if not, I am alright with that too. I am tired of some people (mostly ones with children) telling me I should have a child because it's so fulfilling and they just didn't know what love was until they had a child. Are they trying to convince me or themselves? I guess what I am saying is that if he doesn't want children, what is the big deal? At least he is being honest about it, to himself and to the people he dates.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Jane Doe, Pittsburgh, PA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 19:23:19 GMT

I applaud Toby for his decision, and thank the Today show for airing his story. There are many people in this world that have chosen not to have children, and knew they did not want children at a very early age. I am one of those people. I knew at the age of 18 (perhaps earlier) that I never wanted to give birth, and I stand by my decision at the age of 30 (and happily married). Unfortunately, society at large does not grasp this concept. Yes, it is possible to live a meaningful life without procreating. Children do not equal meaning in life to all people (but I do acknowledge that children do bring meaning to the lives of SOME people). It is the people who have children who seem to have the loudest objection to someone CHOOSING to be child-free - perhaps you want the child-free people to be as miserable as you are? I only wish the medical community would grant women the same reproductive rights as men. After all, women are the ones that have to carry the burden for 9 months, and bear the ultimate responsibility of raising the child (yes, men do obviously have a role, but it is the woman that bears the ultimate responsibility and burden). Just as it is a woman's choice to get an abortion, it should also be a woman's choice to opt for a tubal ligation - at ANY age, regardless of if she has ever given birth. There are many people, like Toby, that know they do not want children - let us continue to live our wonderful child-free lives without the comments from the mommy and daddy brigades. We get it, you have kids, and you are "fulfilled". If you are so fulfilled, why does it bother you so much that we do not want children? Thank you Toby for coming forward and telling your story - there are a lot of people out there that agree with you.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Ed Hardy, Akron,Ohio — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 19:25:23 GMT

It's a shame to be criticise for being honest. What is wrong with making a choice of wanting or not wanting children. I think we need more Toby's and less unwanted children. Better than being a lousy parent.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Nicole, Missouri — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 19:26:45 GMT

I am a 27 year old woman who has known from childhood that I do not want to have children. I am a bit appalled (though not totally surprised) at the number of people who described the Toby and other childfree as "selfish," "irresponsible," "lazy" or even "disgusting." Raising children is not the only way to be productive and contribute to this world! I am a medical student and I definitely couldn't get through school by being lazy or irresponsible. I currently work in a research lab that studies cancer and want to make this area my career focus. I don't think I can do both (have kids and an academic career) and keep my personal standards and sanity intact. Maybe some women can, but I think the constant demands of small children would sap the energy right out of me. What serves the world more--me working for 30+ years to better understand diseases and how to treat them or me popping out a couple of kids and maybe slowing down or giving up my research career? Let me point out that I have scored in the top 1% on every standardized test I've ever taken. My professors tell me I have a real talent for research. What would the world lose if I squandered this talent by being a SAHM? Life is not one-size-fits-all, and I've simply decided a different lifestyle is a better fit for me. I have nothing against those that have children so long as they 1) don't denigrate my choice and 2) don't expect special treatment. I have a full life with an exciting career, many friends, and time to devote to hobbies and exercising. If I met the right man, I'd want to share my life with him, just not with children. If a man wants children, he's NOT the right one for me.

I'd also like to point out that many people, men and women, have health reasons for not wanting to have children. I have several. First, I have a metabolic condition that requires me to take daily medication, which would be extremely harmful to a developing fetus. If I wanted to get pregnant, I'd have to stop the meds, and risk harm to myself. I also had an accident several years ago that resulted in a fractured pelvis. I still have periodic pain from it, which I'm told would intensify if I carried a child. This is on top of the normal discomforts of pregnancy and labor. I don't think that the pain and risk to my health would be worth it. What is so hard to understand about this?

Vasectomy Before Children?

Briana Madson New York, NY — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 19:27:53 GMT

I think his decision is responsible as long as he continues to practice safe sex.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Alicia Hunt — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 19:28:11 GMT

Way to go Toby! I applaud your decision.
I'm 28, married, and never want children, as of yet no doctor will perfom a tubal ligation so my husband is getting the vasectomy. Toby is not necissarily giving up future love with the woman of his dreams because this "woman" you all are assuming he will meet wants children. maybe the love of his life will feel the same.
We all have different ideas of happiness, and it is not selfish to not want kids, especially if you know you are not cut out to be a parent. Last i checked i decided how i got to live my life, which is the same for everyone else, we should not be criticized or called selfish and told we will lack meaningful relationships or a meaningful life for our lack of desire to reproduce. For some of us it just isn't our cup of tea. It's better that we do not have children and neglect them or resent them. I love my freedom and the ability to do what i want when i want. I am not selfish, my goals and amibitions for my life are just different and not traditional, and luckily i found a wonderful person who has the same goals. Many of us who do not want children have plenty of direction and are very responsible people, it's just not the same one some of you who want and have kids have, it doesn't make us wrong or you wrong, it just means we are different.
For those of you who ask what about when you get older, who will come visit you...there is NO guarantee that your children will visit you in old age...there are lots of nursing homes fill with elderly whose children don't visit them. There is also no guarantee that you won't be caring for your children until you die of old age either. That's a horrible reason and a selfish one to have children....someone to visit me in my old age...yeah great reason to reproduce. I'll have plenty of fun hanging out with the rest of the "old ladies" where ever i end up should i ever make it that far.

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John Stokkan — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 19:28:19 GMT

I am surprised this is a news story in any fashion. As a single man at age 26, I had a vasectomy. That was ten years ago, and while I was certain that I was in the minority, surely there were others doing the same. The thing which did surprise me about the procedure is the lack of counseling. I filled out forms at the hospital indicating that I was age 33, divorced, and had 3 children. None of it true. I paid cash instead of using my insurance benefits. I only remember seeing the doctor once (for the procedure itself). This is at a respected large Midwestern hospital. For all they know, I could have been a very married man getting a vasectomy behind the back of my wife.

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Jim Johnston, San Marcos, CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 19:31:40 GMT

Being the father of a "surprise" I applaud this young man's decision. He is taking control of his reproductive life and not leaving anything up to chance. How many men were surprised to hear "I'm pregnant, it's yours, I need child support."? I know of at least one, me, and I am sure I am not alone.

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Colin Van Tiernin; Seattle, Washington — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 19:34:36 GMT

In the early 60's as a teenager I knew that I did not want children. At the age of 28 in 1975 I heard that planned parenthood had a title 20 program where a man could get a vasectomy and they would pay for it. It was a no brainer for me, right on. The urologist tried to convince me not to do it, I was adament about my decision. It was one of the best things I have ever done for myself. I would encourage all men to have one. My opinion about having children is this. Everone who wants to have children should be required to answer a very simple question. Why do you want to have children? How many people ask that question not very many! This society expects people to have them! There is a lot of pressure from parents, relatives, friends, society, also their own guilt and many other factors, that go into why people have children. Some people have had children because they think that other people will love them. Some people have had children so they will have someone to love them. Real love comes from inside oneself not from someone outside themselves. Look at the number of children in this society that live on the streets. Who are abused, killed, and run away from [their] parents and foster parents homes. That is not Love it is abuse and until we as a society are willing to look into our own thinking things won't change.

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Vicki, Sterling IL — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 19:34:43 GMT

I am an only child, because of a chronic, but very manageable illness I've had since I was born. I'm now 48, but when I was 18, I made an appointment with my doctor to discuss having my tubes tied. The doctor was sick that day, so my appointment got cancelled and I never re-made the appointment. I never did have any kids and still don't really want any. I've managed to "fill the time" that I would have spent raising children, with intellectual pursuits and really haven't missed having children. In fact, I don't know where I would have found time in my life for kids.

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Cathy H, Oldsmar, FL — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 19:35:22 GMT

I found a doctor who would tie my tubes - "It's your body" at 29, and had the procedure performed for my 30th birthday. This was in 1990, and on Nov. 12th, will be celebrating 17 years. I used to celebrate every year, but the more I see of children misbehaving in public, I now celebrate the decision every waking moment. Selfish??? Call me selfish, just don't call me Momma. This was the BEST decision I ever made in my life. I met my husband 4 months after getting it done, and we've been married over 15 years. We enjoy our freedom to go out, have nice, quiet vacations, and have the money to do so. I haven't even worked for the last 7 years.

To the women out there looking for a doctor, I found one in the D.C. suburbs in Maryland -may be more liberal there. I now live in Florida, and have met many women who have tried to get the procedure done, but were told the same things as mentioned above. Being from the north, I was truly shocked at how backwards things are in the south.

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Mitchell A. Kopnick, MD — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 19:39:17 GMT

I'm a urologist in Wisconsin who performs both vasectomy and reversal. Reversal costs $6000 out of pocket and up front (minimum bottom line cost determined by my clinic administrators. I was able to talk them down from $9500). In addition the 'take home baby' rate (not just the patency or pregnancy rate) is only about 65%. The possibility of one day undergoing reversal ought never be considered by anyone having a vasectomy as it's just too out of reach for most.

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DRV, Los Angeles — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 19:39:49 GMT

I have a 15 year old daughter from a previous relationship. My husband and I do not have children together and I prefer it this way. I have reached a point in my life that having another child is not a priority. My husband & I have had discussions on the issue and have decided for many different reasons not to pursue having children. My husband's family along with other people bug us from time to time about why we don't have kids together and I find it quite annoying. It is a personal choice. My daughter will be going off to college in a few years and I have no desire to start all over again.

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Caroline, Livermore, CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 19:40:24 GMT

At least you're being responsible and not going around getting all the women you sleep with pregnant. Good for you.

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Mary Becker — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 19:42:31 GMT

Kudo's Toby! I never wanted children and being female I was told by doctors several times that I couldn't have a tubal because I was too young. So I had been using birth control and wished I didn't have to due to the possible long term effects. I finally found a doctor who whould perform the minor operation and have no regrets!! Contrary to another blogger I feel it is selfish to bring kids into an ever growing world. Most of the reason's being " I want a child... (emphasis on I), I want my name to live on and so on. Taking the chance of growing old alone is not selfish. I've worked in child protective services and have seen some terrible family sitiuations that children have been brought into.

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chris — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 19:44:01 GMT

I am 46 and a much different person than when I was 28. Of course, at 28 I would have never thought that would happen but that is the paradox of aging. The youger you are the more certain of your ideas, the older you are the more willing to be openminded since you are mindful of the ignorance of your youth. Toby made a decision he wasn't really able to make with his limited life experience. His to live with though, so who cares....

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Carl Reno, NV — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 19:44:24 GMT

I had a vasectomy at age 26. My wife and I had been married for three years at the time with no children. We have now been married for 13 years and do not regret our decision at all. We enjoy our nieces and nephews, but do not want children of our own. It is good to hear that other people who choose not to have children have been considered different. Most of our friends and family wonder why we do not want our own children. I am not excatly certain why I do not want kids, but I think that I would not make a good role model for them.

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Steve Hoover, Plymouth, IN — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 19:47:49 GMT

I had my vas at 34. I'm now 59 and I haven't regretted the decision for a minute. My life has purpose. I don't consider myself selfish or narcissistic (can't childbearing be selfish as well?). This is not a decision for everybody, but I knew in the third grade that I wouldn't want children. At 34 I figured that it was time to act on that decision.

I just wish that we could respect each other's decisions. I was reminded many times that a vas procedure is not reversable. My answer was that childbirth is not reversable either. Honestly, most of us undergoing sterilization put more thought into that decision than many people put into deciding on pregnancy.

As for someone to take care of me in old age - been to an assisted living home lately? How many lonely older people have children that don't live within 500 miles of them? Call me whatever you want - I wouldn't trade places with anyone!

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chris — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 19:47:52 GMT

I do agree with one thing Toby said, talking children should occur early. I have a friend who wants kids and he has a wife who does not. When he comes over he spends more time playing kickball with the kids than he does with the adults. He is a father permanently in waiting. These are issues which need to be out in the open early, definately before marriage.

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K, Raleigh, NC — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 19:48:57 GMT

I take great issue with the writer who stated that Toby was going to regret his decision since he would have no kids to visit him when he was 75. Having kids doesn't mean that you will have that kind of relationship with your adult children. Giving birth doesn't mean that they will visit you or take care of you when you are old.

My husband and I choose to not have children. Are we selfish? Heck yeah. I enjoy my free time with my husband (and dogs) and friends. We are able to travel and have spontaneous weekends. We can sleep in until 10 or go out for the day. We are able to save for our retirement without having to save for private schools, braces, or college funds.

Having children is wonderful for some people, but I know it is not for me and I wish the child-free lifestyle could be viewed with more respect.

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Dante Creighton , Washington, DC — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 19:51:24 GMT

As a 32 year old father of three, the only thing I can say is good job. I love my children, with all my heart.........but I don't want any more.

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J, Pittsburgh, PA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 19:57:47 GMT

I'm not sure that I understand why Toby's decision makes him selfish. Since when does bearing a child constitute a major contribution to humanity? There are countless other ways to give oneself to the community or to help other people. And it's a shame that people are procreating for the sake of having company or a caregiver in their later years. Caring for an elderly relative can be an excruciating experience, and I certainly would want to burden my children with that.

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Rick, San Francisco — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 20:00:43 GMT

I had a vasectomy at 28. I'm now 50. Best choice I ever made, and my wife thinks so as well. There are more than enough children in the world to go around, and children are no insurance policy in old age - nor should they be.

It is a decision you need some maturity to make.

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Faye — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 20:06:23 GMT

If he changes his mind, adoption might be a good option. I don't think it's fair to call people selfish based upon whether or not they have or plan to have children. If one is in a position to love, support and provide for children, that is wonderful, but if one is not in such a position, for whatever reason, the recognition of that reality demonstrates a thoughtful and caring handling of one's circumstances, and honesty about the way in which those circumstances might affect others. Indeed, either choice (to be a parent or not) has the potential for being selfish or unselfish. It depends upon the individual and the motivation.

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Terry Schulze, san diego, Ca. — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 20:12:15 GMT

Seventeen years ago I met my soul mate. He was 27 and I was 34. Neither of us wanted to be parents and over the years we would check in with each other to see if we felt different. Four years after we married he had a vasectomy. He is now 46 years old and I am 53. We have never regretted our decision. I am a Liscenced clinical social work who works with seniors. The idea that your children will take care of you in old age is false, according to my 10 years experience in this field. Many times the adult children(ages 35-55) move back in with the parent and are dependent on them. Many seniors that I work with who have children are lonely because their children are busy with their own lives and do not or cannot provide the time. The happiest and most successful seniors are those that have created their own lives with stimulating activities and surround themselves with people they enjoy. If your hearts desire is to have children and you have the means to provide them with what they need then enjoy! If you do not have the desire, there is nothing wrong with you!

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April, Moscow, Idaho — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 20:12:48 GMT

Oh, happy day! After rolling our eyes after recent large family segments, my husband and I both cheered at the end of this segment. We've been married for nearly 16 years (high school sweethearts), and we both KNOW we don't want children. I had a non-surgical tubal at 31, but we certainly considered the vasectomy route when Norplant unfortunately went off the market.

Thankfully, breeding large families is no longer necessary for humanity's survival. It's certainly an uninhibited option for those who want to be breeders for whatever reason, but those who choose not to have children should be equally respected.

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Mike — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 20:14:34 GMT

I applaud his decision and find no problems with it whatsoever. I also agree with some of the ladies here that a woman should have the same ability to decide her fertility as easily as a man. My wife and I weren't able to have children, she cannot conceive. At first it was a rough road but as time has passed I realized it was a blessing in disguise. I'd prefer not to have children, honestly I cannot see a reason for bringing a child into a world as completely screwed up as this one is. That is a topic for open debate however but I believe all people should have the capability to choose for themselves.

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Ed, Stockbridge Georgia — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 20:15:29 GMT

I was adamant that I would never have children. But my wife (now ex) convinced me to have one. I was 38 when my daughter was born. She's 15 now. I would not trade one minute with my beautiful, loving daughter for 100 years of life before her. Her birth and our relationship has, over the years, shown me what true miracles life and love are. I never would have known this but for her.

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Crystal S., Anchorage, AK — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 20:20:26 GMT

To the women who find it unfair that men can choose sterility so easily: Men have 3 choices for birth control. Abstinence is just cruel, Condoms have a 20% failure rate and a Vasectomy is permanent. None seem very fair to men. Women have many more options with much lower failure rates. So why are you complaining? Not to mention that women even have choices after a pregnancy has occurred. MEN DO NOT HAVE THESE LUXURIES. So until we give men an equal choice in becoming a parent, don’t insult those who take control of their lives and fertility.

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Missy, Portland. ME — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 20:23:00 GMT

Wish more people felt the way you do! My daughter does not want kids and unfortuately neither did her husband until after they were married... now divorsed she still does not want kids and still is very up front about it.

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Elisa, Midlothian TX — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 20:28:03 GMT

God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground." Genesis 1:29

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Gonzalo, Miami, FL — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 20:28:43 GMT

Toby's decision is ultimately his, but it's naïve to think that at age 28 you'll know how you'll feel about something for the REST of your life.

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Nicole, Charlotte, NC — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 20:38:24 GMT

I applaud Toby's decision and I'm very glad to see this issue being discussed more openly. As a 37 yr old woman, I too do not have the desire to be a parent (especially being the eldest of six kids). What people have to realize is that happiness is not "one size fits all." Not everyone wants that cookie-cutter "American dream" that so many have been sold on from the time we were young (anyway, if that was truly the ideal for everyone, there wouldn't be so many divorces, broken homes, and abused/neglected children). And NO, those of us who don't want children of our own are not the selfish, child-hating, hedonistic beings that so many make us out to be. There are endless opportunities to help and to give and to nuture others, and those of us who are childless also take advantage of those opportunities. Despite being childless by choice, we still bring a lot of value to society...surprise!

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Laurence Harvey — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 20:39:07 GMT

I had a vasectomy at age 23 in 1972. I'm almost 59 and have never had any regrets. It was extremely difficult to not only find a doctor that would perform the procedure (I had to travel hundreds of miles) but just to get past the women who answered the phone. Most became angry and tried to lecture me or they would hang up on me. It is amazing how people construct senarios or responsibilities for your life to prove that you don't know what you're doing. It is also amazing how many people I've heard say, "I wish I'd never had kids"

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Peter, Redmond WA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 20:40:22 GMT

Some people should not have children and maybe Toby is one of them. Perhaps his reasons are a little more selfish than he is willing to admit. To place ones owns needs above all else to me is very selfish and self centered. Good luck to any woman who may think he has anything to give.

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K.S., Harrisburg, PA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 20:42:53 GMT

I'd like to know why it's so easy for a man to state that he doesn't want children and then have a doctor act on it. I'm a female who knew she didn't want children by the age of 16. At 25, I went to a doctor about having a tubal and the doctor told me that there wasn't a doctor who would touch me due to my age. I had to wait until my late thirties. Many of my friends experienced the same treatment. It's sad that women are treated as not knowing their own minds.

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Andrea Murphy, Tucson AZ — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 20:49:49 GMT

I have to say to be VERY CAREFUL! We are in process of a revearsal that is SO costly it is breaking us! We 'were sure' that we were done with one, but no one can be sure we found out. Once we had our little girl, we fell in love and wanted another. There were many factors to the V; medical problems, 9mo bed rest prior etc. We convinced the drs we were sure...I just think NO ONE should do it until AFTER one child...as for being 'selfish' to not have kids. That is so judging. We are all on a journey and have a right to live our own lives. Just because one person makes a good parent and is happy being one, doesn't make it true for another. BUT as mentioned above, you may meet the love of your life and WANT to have kids with that person and be very regretful. By the way, why no discussion on the the revearsal and success rates????

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Larry, Farmington Hills, Michigan — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 20:53:47 GMT

I don't understand how the term 'selfish' applies to a man who has a vasectomy. Frankly, to me, it seems extraordinarily generous to the rest of humanity.

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Amy Seattle, WA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 20:55:47 GMT

I don't understand why some people are being so harsh towards him. You watched an interview, you don't know him! To say he is selfish and will be miserable and lonely is very rude. People make their own decisions in life, it is nothing personal against you. I am not planning on having any children and my fiance does not want any either. We are in our twenties and are very comfortable with our decision. We live very fullfilling lives that include-the arts, volunteer work, traveling and we both have large families. We are probably a lot happier than most people with children.

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Brandon, Dallas, TX — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 20:56:37 GMT

1) To those stating STD's are as big or even a bigger problem than a child must not have any children. Id much rather have genital warts than an illegitimate child. I can get rid of the warts, the child, Im stuck with. Obviously, I do not ever want children

2) When your old and have no children to care for you, you SHOULD be able to afford the best care money can buy since you didnt have to pay for children the previous 40+ years.

3) To the young women saying its very hard to find a doctor to tie the tubes, it only takes one. Forget the difficulty, keep looking until you find that one. Do some research, make some phone calls, ask friends, family and co-workers, I'm sure you can find ONE doctor, that's all you need.

4) Some women are speaking out of both sides of their mouths. They fight for womens right to choose, but when a man does the same, suddenly their immoral.

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Christine Vanoff, Indianapolis, IN — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:00:51 GMT

I say bravo for Toby! It's about time our society recognizes (and respects) the fact that not everyone wants children. I am in my late 40s, and have never entertained the thought of becoming a parent. My biological clock has made my decision permanent. For men, however, it's far trickier. If a man is in a heterosexual relationship, and his partner decides on her own that she wants to conceive, or if she's careless about preventing pregnancy, he becomes an unwilling participant, and has no recourse if the woman decides she wants to carry her pregnancy to term.

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Anthony, Fort Collins, CO — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:01:04 GMT

Many of the comments here about Toby being selfish make me think that people view having children as a duty. Do you have children because you were afraid you would feel guilty for not living up to your obligations? I think this is a poor reason for having kids. I had a great childhood and I think kids are great but I knew a long time ago that I do not have any desire to be a parent(I am 42). My wife and I are happy and there are plenty of ways to add to society without reproducing. Toby is obviously very comfortable with his decision not to have children and I think that makes him very mature. And as for someone to take care of you when you are older, again this not a good reason to have children. My wife works in geriatric care and there are plenty of older people whose children do not take care of them.

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Brando — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:06:06 GMT

Ever heard of AIDS or STD's. I have no problem with the guy having his nuts cut. But you still need to wrap that sucker up

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Rick Wigington, Lincoln, NE — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:08:02 GMT

BFD. I was 21 and single when I had mine. Why didn't I get invited on the Today Show?

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K Piscopo — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:10:48 GMT

I'm surprised at some of the negative responses. I had my vasectomy when I was 24 in 1977 and in the Air Force. I came from a violent household and knew that violence is often perpetuated. Some people are cut out to be parents; others aren't.

Two years later, I realized I was gay. I got epididimitis, a painful inflamation of the coil on the outside of each testis through which sperm leave the the testis on the way to the vas deferens, in 1981. Antibiotics didn't work well and the usual therapy - masturbation - would not have had the effect of cleaning out the offending sperm since their way out was blocked. Finally Bactrim DS worked. When it occured again in 1997, my urologist, after hearing about the first bout, decided to reverse the vasectomy on the one inflamed testis.

Would I go back on my decision? No. With antibotics and better medicine we are all living longer and the world's population is slowly becoming unsustainable. The command in Genesis "go forth and multiply" in our current environment is irresponsible and will kill us. More men like Toby need to step up to the scissors and save this planet from overpopulation.

Selfish? Only to those who think it is their right to have as many kids as they want. They probably drive gas guzzling SUVs, too.

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DES, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:11:33 GMT

I was 25 when I made the decision I didn't ever want children. At 32 I still support my decision. The only difference when I went to have my tubes tied. Several doctors refused because I didn't have children. I think there is a double standard for men not wanting children and women with the same mindset. I still get snide comments about me being strange or weird because I don't want kids, where as men it is expected. I say congrat to him for standing making a decision and sticking with it.

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Karen J-L, NYC, NY — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:11:55 GMT

I applaud Toby for his decision. Too many people have children for the wrong reasons: mom & dad want to be grandparents, it's whats expected, etc.
To make a decision like that is NOT SELFISH, but a mature one. To decide whether to have children or not is a personal one. Some people in the world want and some don't. Live and let live I say.

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Cliff Sutherland, Holts Summit, Missouri — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:12:09 GMT

I thought intensely about having children and finally decided while single to have a vasectomy at 27. That was 36 years ago and I have never regreted it. We cannot go on having babies because we are egotistical or feel driven to have them. We will quickly overpopulate the earth and destroy the joy of living for everyone. Malthus was not wrong, he was right...just not quite yet.

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Chris Kennedy, Rock Springs, WY — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:12:28 GMT

I had a vasectomy in my early '30s. I and my wife have no kids. I am now in my early '50s. It was a great decision: no birth control devices, no unwanted children, no abortion decisions, and living in accordance with our beliefs that as the world grows by 250,000 people per day, bringing more children into the world only contributes to numerous environmental woes. My wife volunteers with unwanted, disadvantaged children, and is perhaps the most caring, other-serving person you could meet, so please refrain from labeling us as selfish. I call it being rational and thoughtful.

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Marie G, Sacramento, CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:12:47 GMT

Wow finally a guy who feels the same way I do! I'm a 32 year old single, childless, never married woman about to get a tubal, and it's SO nice to know there are men like Toby out there. I have always known I did not want children. I'm a professional technical woman who loves to travel, and kids do not suit my lifestyle. Too many people blindly have kids because it's the "thing to do." More people should stop and think about it like Toby has, not just blindly do it. I'm with you Toby!!!!

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Brian Korner — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:13:31 GMT

Keep God out of this conversation. Most of you who label Bryan as "selfish" and "lonely" are under the influence of the most heinous drug in existence -- religious brainwashing. Lead your life in peace and leave Bryan alone.

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BJ Boise Idaho — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:13:53 GMT

I think birth control-male or female- is a personal choice betweeen a woman/man and his physician. If there is a 'significant other' they might need to be consulted.
I have had several friends over the years who had genetic illness that they chose not to take the risk of passing on this illness by having their own children. Some of them even adopted if they decided to have children later.
Its your body. It your right.

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Linda, Kansas City, MO — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:13:55 GMT

Personally, who cares what he does, it is his life. However, I find it is interesting that he's an only child. I know several only children and none of them have children (and they are older). I'm betting that being an only child influences their decision a lot. Only children are more self-centered, which is fine who cares. My best friend is an only child in her 60's no children.

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Tom Kotuba Beaver Falls, PA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:14:06 GMT

I think that over half the children in my county live in single parent homes. Heartache and hardship. It is not worth the risk. I tell young men all the time to visit the sperm bank and then go get a vasectomy. Our culture is not what it used to be. I am a single parent of three. I gave up my favorite hobby and a higher paying job so I can spend time with my children. But the thing that gets to me the most is knowing that my children were severely hurt emotionally. Four years later, I still see pain in them. I will always be heartbroken for my children. I wish I was so wise at 28 to get a vasectomy.

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Marsha Maines, VA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:14:22 GMT

I think he made a very WISE decision. In Virginia, we now actually have a LAW called the Putative Father's Registry. Every man who has sex now has to register 'just in case' a child occurs. Personally, I think it's just another ploy to fund the state through the ultra-corrupt DCSE that supports state-sanctioned slavery for Non Custodial Parents.

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Alex — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:14:38 GMT

First of all, like some of the commenters above, I applaud Toby for his decision to avoid unwanted pregnancies.

However, as a relatively new father in his mid-20s, I can say without a doubt that having a child has been the happiest time of my life. Sure, it comes with a set of challenges, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

All I can say to Toby is that you never know the joys of being a dad until it actually happens to you.

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Good Christian, Tulsa, OK — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:15:19 GMT

It's sad that this is the direction that society is heading toward. God gives us the ability to reproduce for a reason. Sex is not just for pleasure. Sex is for procreation. People like him are selfish, narcisistic, and the reason why the human race is heading toward definite extinction.

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Dean, Fort Wayne, IN — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:15:24 GMT

Truely shows the selfishness of our society. Mr Byrum obviously does not see that kids are about the greatest thing that can happen to a person

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Nathan, Colorado — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:17:14 GMT

Ultimately, this decision is up to the individual to make, I just hope that they do not regret sterilizing themselves about a decade down the road, for we have all made decisions in our youth that have come back to bite us later on.

Either way though, if someone does sterilize themselves, they are removing themselves from the gene pool (for better or for worse).

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Lisa, Los Angeles, CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:17:54 GMT

I had a tubal ligation at age 24....before I met my husband. It's now 16 years later and I've been happily married without children for over 13 years! Not everyone is meant to have kids! Very happy with my decision!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Gaylond, Elk City, Oklahoma — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:18:37 GMT

I think of it as a personal issue. I respect the gents descision and also find it amazing. Most ladies can not figure out why a guy would do that. Actually , it is very easy to answer; no more problems. I would even stress that some have used castration as well. For myself, I can say that if I did it, then no lady out there could accuse me of being a predator, a cheater, etc. Simple I think. A long story short, way to go dude.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Matt Mannino, Grand Ledge, MI — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:18:44 GMT

Why are we making this guy out to be some super intelligent, ultra sensitive hero? People make important life altering decisions every day. He's just a man who decided for whatever reason that he wants no children. Is he selfish? Probably. Does he have the right to be? Absolutely. Let's not make him out to be the poster boy for the "New Man Movement".

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Carol, Portland, OR — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:19:26 GMT

Good for him. This man has considered the future he wants, and has made the decision that suits him best. Some people just don't want children, and it's better that they recognize that before they reproduce. It's not a selfish decision; its a smart one.

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Sarah Tyler, Texas — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:19:36 GMT

Come to TEXAS everybody. Here before a woman can even go to a doctor and talk to them about having her uterus taken out she has to ask permission from a significant other. I went to three different doctors and they all told me no- because I was not married.

Vasectomy Before Children?

evi — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:19:43 GMT

To me, this says that people like him ONLY think about themselves, selfish. If his dad or mom did this, he wouldnt be in the world in the first place to enjoy life.

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Heidi, Iowa — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:19:53 GMT

My brother and his wife are both 25 and he had a vasectomy last year. They knew they didn't want kids, so he went ahead and did it. I asked him if he was going to save any sperm for "later on" and he firmly said no. They say their 3 cats, 2 birds and 10+ tropical fish are enough.

My husband also had a vasectomy after his youngest child was born 14 years ago. He told me this early on, and I was thrilled! I have NEVER wanted to get pregnant or give birth. I do not have the patience to nurture a baby. Everyone says it's different when it's your own, but I just don't agree. I love being a stepmother (the only bad part about it is the ex-wife). I love that we can "try" all we want and it won't happen. I love that two of my nieces are under the age of 5 and if I want to play with a baby I can call my sisters. I love that I missed midnight feedings and potty-training and chicken pox and day care. Most of all, I love my teenage stepsons.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Edward Raphel — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:19:54 GMT

I am perplexed when people spout out the words, "that would be selfish." What, in this world do we not do for selfish reasons? Before you form an opinion or an answer, think about the question! He says that he does not want children..... what is that if it's not selfish........THINK PEOPLE!!!!!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Blippy McGee, Los Angeles, Calif. — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:19:54 GMT

I've been wanting to have a vasectomy since I was 23! I don't have the guts though, cheers to this guy for doing it!

Childfree forever!!!

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Mike — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:20:03 GMT

Based on the strong opinions listed above of "psychotherapist" Liane Mann, I would suggest she find another line of work. You are a little to opinionated and not very open minded in regards to this subject. If you were a little more analytical and balanced in regards to your opinion, and then able to sum up your ultimate conclusion about it one way or the other, it might be easier to take you seriously. Why is the only result that he will be a lonely old man? Why is it necessary for him to fit your profile of spirituality? Who says any child he brings in to this world will give back and not take from this world? Toxic dose of Narcissism, indeed. Staring right back at you from the mirror. Heavy on the Psycho, light on the Therapist.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Robert Saunders, Denver, Colorado — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:21:31 GMT

Hardly anything selfish about the "28 year old guy's" decidion. Right! We sure wouldn't want somthing as mundane as a family to get in the way of his perfect life. With an attitude like his, his life is and will be anything but perfect. He's right though. You don't need a family to have a good life, but you do need a healthy attitude. I feel sorry for him.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Alex — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:22:18 GMT

Oh, and by the way...

"I'm a firm believer that the majority of people who have children regret it, but would never admit it."
-Jana in New Jersey

With all due respect, that is a ridiculous assertion.

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Some Guy — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:22:48 GMT

Umm... this may sound like joke or sarcasm even but I actually don't understand.

How is it selfish to not have kids?

Thanks for the explanation.

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Anne, Germantown, WI — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:23:31 GMT

I don't understand why this is making such a big splash in the first place. If he made a decision not to have kids why on earth would he change his mind. Since when does having kids define who we are. It isn't a requirement in life. We live life for ourselves.Besides, not eveyone is a good parent.

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David, Dallas Texas — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:23:39 GMT

Having your own children is the greatest feeling in the world. You have no idea what you've given up. In my opinion, you just erased some of the most wonderful future joys of your life.

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Doug Trusso — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:24:14 GMT

Although I respect you for the decision you chose to make for your own life, I can't help but to feel that by never having a child of your own, you will truly never understand what the word love really means. I think you are going to miss out on the greatest gift one could ever receive. When I was younger and looked at the kids of my friends, I recall thinking, "yeah... cute..., now take them away". Let me tell you, that all changed when I had my own. I will never forget the day my 2nd child was born, my angel baby Jennifer. I was so worried that I could not love her like I did my son, and was afraid to tell my wife. I figured that I could just fake it. What a fool I felt like after she was born. I realized that not only was there room enough in my heart for both of my kids, but that it didn't take away from the other either! I wish you luck.

Vasectomy Before Children?

pa, seattle, wa — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:24:17 GMT

Thanks for airing the story! This should be a totally accepted practice in the US. Physicians should mind their own business and perform these on adults (male and female) when request them. I had my tubal in my mid - 20's (now 50's) and never regretted in one day.

Vasectomy Before Children?

No Name, Moore, Ok — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:24:35 GMT

One Question? Is it fair to assume a child will take care of you when you get old. I was forced to care for an ailing grandmother and I say having a child will to take care of you when you are old is selfish

Vasectomy Before Children?

Cedric, Washington State — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:24:44 GMT

Heck, yes!

I should have had mine years earlier. Given today's "starter husbands", and the bias of family courts nationwide, it makes little sense for guys to live with a Polyanna dream of a happy family.

Of my six children, one was killed before it was born, and three grew up calling some other guy Dad. Three exwives enjoyed the revenues, though, for fooling me into thinking they wanted a family with me.

I think we'll see more of this until the cesspools of family courts are cleaned up. Guys are wising up.

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Hope — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:24:51 GMT

I am sick and tired of the male sex being able to do nearly anything they want to their bodies. If this had been a female looking to have her tubes tied, she would be declined from one coast to the other. Women need to have the same rights to choose for themselves if they wish to have babies or not.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Emily Rader, Eagle Point, OR — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:24:59 GMT

I saw kudos! I am a 44 year old who 2 years ago had a hysterectomy due to health reasons. I had been wanting one since I was in my 20's as I knew then I did not want kids. I married a wonderful man at the age of 30 and we both opted not to have kids. We still have no regrets about our decision.

All these people who tell you - "You have to have kids" - guess what? No we don't. It may be considered selfish, but I'd rather be selfish than have a kid when I don't want one. There are lots of kids out there in orphanges, homes, etc. that need to be adopted. Why not let a person or couple adopt one of them if they truly want children?

Congratulations on finally seeing things the way we do!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Allison T. New Orleans, LA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:25:12 GMT

I work for a Urologist and I can say that we receive AT LEAST one phone call per week regarding vasectomy reversals. When people hear the cost, approx. $18,000, they are shocked. I say that having a vas before the age of 40 is taking a huge risk.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Keith, worcester mass — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:25:41 GMT

I completely support your descion to do this, and I do not see it as selfish. I too have decided not to have children but to focus on the things I want to accomplish. I was an only child as well and came from a good family, but I don't see the "need to carry on the tradition." It s the same expectation that are placed upon women, once your married your expected to have children.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Jennifer, North Bend, WA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:26:02 GMT

I knew when I was a teenager that I didn't want to be a mom. I told every guy I dated and was up front from the beginning. I met the love of my life 6 years ago and he was fine with my decision. After being on the pill for 18 years, I had a tubal ligation. I haven't regretted my decision once. I have nieces and nephews that I adore and get my "kid" fix when I need it. For everybody out there who call people like me "selfish?" I think it's much more selfish to have kids of your own when there are so many kids up for adoption that need good homes. The world is overpopulated enough!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Denis Bliss, Redondo , WA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:26:28 GMT

wanted vasectomy since 16yrs. Tried at university to perform surgery on myself using instruments borrowed from bio lab and surgery textbook when 19yrs. At 22yrs lied to doc about married w/ 3 kids to obtain. No regrets. Two many children on planet, not enough good parents. Have tried to help w/ both.

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Dub, Portland OR — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:26:35 GMT

Yo: Marnie, Salt Lake City, Utah Having children is selfish not the other way around. Wanting another little copy of yourself running around is the most selfish thing a person can do.

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Rob, Eagan MN — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:27:08 GMT

All these replies of cries of selfishness just goes to show you that in todays society people have been conditioned to think that thinking about yourself is selfish. I don't go to college and work 50+ hr weeks so a possible future family has it good. NO, I do it to make my life better now and in the future. I guess that selfish right?

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Jaqueline, Charleston, SC — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:27:37 GMT

Where can I meet one of these guys that does not want to have any kids?? I have never come across one that felt that way. I tried to get my tubes tied when I was 24 and I was refused by every single doctor. How come for men they can do it but women cant?

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d-vo — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:27:42 GMT

when i was 18, 2 of my male friends had vasectomies without problem. but, when i tried to have a tubal ligation, i was met with "you'll fall in love and change your mind..you're too young...you have to be 31 or older...have to have 2+ kids...be married and with your husband's consent.."
i knew i didn't want kids when i was 10 yr old. (happy childhood). NEVER changed my mind. got a tubal at 27 yr old from understanding female doc. NO REGRETS!!!

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Steve K, Portland OR — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:27:50 GMT

Why is this even a story? Great for him. He made his decision and everybody's angry that no one was able to talk him out of it? That's CRAZY!

I have a lot of respect for him for knowing what he wants and being responsible. And there's another bonus side effect as well - no woman's ever going to use a ("surprise!") kid as a way to get to his wallet.

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kay, red bank, nj — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:27:54 GMT

I have been involved in local and international children's charities for over 15 years, but my husband and I have chosen to remain childless. ourselves. I do not think it is "selfish" to admit children are not for you. We do not exist for the sole purpose of procreation. Every person may contribute to the world and society differently. Many people have children for the right reasons, many others have children for the wrong, often very selfish reasons.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Helen, Fort Drum, New York — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:28:40 GMT

I have to say that I am a little tired of people saying that if you don't want kids you are selfish! I was finally able to get my tubes tied at age 35. I knew from an early age that I did not want kids. I could never find a doctor that would do the operation. I never had the want or desire to have children and I don't think that I am selfish for not having a child. I think that it is the smart thing to not have them considering there are so many unwanted children in the world. I was lucky enough to marry a man that agreed with me. He was happy when I finally got my tubes tied and do not have to worry about having an unwanted child. This is not a selfish decision on anyones part. What is selfish is having children just because you feel like it is the thing you have to do because society considers you selfish if you don't.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Teresa Portland, Oregon — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:28:49 GMT

I have to admit, that man is strong in his convictions and should be praised for being so proud of his decisions. We often forget what we want for ourselves is overlooked more than we prefer because of everybody else, my hat is off to him. Remember you! I'm a 33 year old engaged woman and my future husband has three kids and has had a vasectomy. He wants kids and there is a lot of me that just wants to wait it out because I feel our lives are full. He got his because of his ex wife, he wanted more children. BUT, we'll see what the future brings, there are always options and sometimes a change of heart. Go with your heart, and the rest will come.

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Pat Martin Gardena CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:29:23 GMT

What is good for the goose is not always good for the gander...It's not fair! My granddaughter had 5 children before they allowed her to have a tubal ligation. Two young, Catholic Hospital etc..he had her first at 16 and 4 years later the second boy...at that time she wanted a tubal.Why does he get to have a vasectomy??? Does that mean that any unmarried girl, no matter her age, can have a tubal???? Double standard.

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Ray, Fremont, CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:29:39 GMT

I don't understand the big deal. I had my vasectomy at age 26 - I'm now 51. Never a regret.

To answer some questions I've read here:

Sex is still the same. Everything works like it is supposed to.

If I ever wanted to raise a child I could adopt. There are plenty of children out there without good parents or no parents at all.

To the "you're just being selfish" comments - Is it selfish to not bring another life into the world that you don't want? Is it more selfish to HOPE that I will feel different if it is "my own"? What if I don't?

The comment "It's sad to see a man choosing what he considers an "easier route" for him.." doesn't make sense to me. Life is so short here, why would you burden yourself living your life the way others think you should?

I've always said that religion, parenting, and drug use have a common thought process - the people who are into them think you are missing out on the best thing in life if you don't share their views. "If only you would try it you'll see how great it is."

Vasectomy Before Children?

Cathy Harrison, Rushville, IL — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:29:45 GMT

Who cares? Why was this even a story this morning? I was exercising @ a friends house when this was on - we think you should have given Dorothy Hamill more time instead any time to this story!

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steve, Dallas — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:29:51 GMT

I had a vasectomy before I was 30. I have never looked back on the decision. I am now near 65 and have very happly married as well as a great sex life.

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Mark , Le Roy, WV — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:30:45 GMT

After the birth of my son, my wife and I decided we did not want to have more children. 2 weeks after his birth, I had a vasectomy. I was 19 years old!! I knew what I wanted, and after 2 weeks of counseling by a doctor I was referred to, I had a vasectomy. I'm now 45, and remarried 5 years ago to a younger lady with a daughter. We have on occasion, said "what if".... but realize that with our new life together, and our own business that takes much of our time, it is best that we can't have more children. Not having to worry about birth control, or poor timing, has made for a truly awsome sex life. NO REGRETS!!

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Milt Hardine, Virginia Beach, VA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:30:58 GMT

I had a vasectomy after 2 children in my first marriage. Didn't want anymore. Divorce and new ideas created a reverse vasectomy. 18 months later, son.
Glad I did both.

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Holly, Missouri — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:31:40 GMT

I am a 38 year old married mother of 3. I don't see a problem with Toby's decision. It was his body and his decision to make. I have a friend who got her tubes tied before she was married and had no children. You just need to go to a different doctor or several different doctors, even out of State, if that is what it takes to get your tubes tied. If you want it bad enough you will be able to find a credible doctor to do it. I can understand Toby's desire not to have children. I have a male friend who never wanted kids; his girlfriend stopped taking the pill (without my friends knowledge) because she wanted to have a baby. He now has a child (whom he has accepted) with a huge monthly child support payment. True, my friend should have used his own protection but he trusted his girlfriend.

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Amber, Arizona — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:31:41 GMT

I think it is Toby's decision for what he has done, but I do feel sad for him because if five years or ten years down the line he wishes he had kids...well he can't but that is the decision he has made for him self and the one he will have to live with...there is options for if he choose he would like to have kids...adoption is a great thing and there are many kids out there whose parents cannot take care of them so you can...Toby is a strong man for making this choice and choosing to tell the world about it. I may not agree with what he did but I am not going to judge him and say he is a selfish, cruel...or that he should have a child just to have one...there are too many people in this world that have kids that are not suitable parents or just can't take care of them...that is not right...you may say its not right of him to have a vasectomy but would it be better for him to have a child he does not want?!?! I think not..

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Jennifer, Omaha, Ne — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:32:27 GMT

I think Toby made the right decision. I don't think it is selfish at all not to want children. If he ever changes his mind when he gets married I'm sure him and his wife can discuss adoption. There are plenty of children out there who need loving parents. Children who were unwanted or unplaned. I think if more people made his decision there wouldn't be so many unwanted children. I would never suggest to abort the baby. That is wrong, but it is selfish to have children when you never wanted any. Too many children end up in the system. I myself had a procedure to make myself infertile. It was the best decision I ever made even though it was the type of procedure that can't be reversed. Doctors didn't want to do it because I was only 24. Doctors need to wake up.

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Tania, Pittsburg, CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:32:33 GMT

I had my tubes tied at 25 and am now 41. I have never regreated it as I knew at seven years old I didn't want children. I am glad to see Tody getting support for his choice. The church and main stream society shouldn't dictate how we should live our life. Here's to all the strong souls out there that know thier heart. I salute you!!!

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Lisa Holly Springs NC — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:34:02 GMT

Having kids does not guarantee happiness or that they will take care of you when you get older. If this were true nursing homes would not be overflowing with people whom no one visits or cares about, and all the miserable parents I see screaming at their kids would be a lot happier. You should have kids because you enjoy children not because society tells you to have them.

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Joan — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:35:05 GMT

I wish I could have children. Five or six to be exact. It is sad to think no part of you will live on into the future. Their will be no one to leave your estate to, no one to care for you in old age. He is so young to think he won't want children and its sad for a child will love you no matter what you do. They bring such joy into your life. I am glad he won't have children feeling this way but it is sad he feels this way.

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Lori, USA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:35:09 GMT

I agree with the Psychotherapist and several others. We love in a selfish society, me, me and me... I think people who choose not to have children may feel they are "missing" something in thier hearts later in life. Children are an extension of ourselves, a wonderful gift...I wonder if their is self-loathing involved, or poor parental influence, just wonder, that's all. No judgement casting. I also wonder about his future wife, It's most women's natural desire to have children, will this affect his relationship's in the future?

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Amy, Childless in Idaho — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:35:59 GMT

I say right on to Toby! I am a 31 year old woman who had a tubal ligation at the age of 29 and have no children. My husband (who is 13 years older than I) also has no children. Why does society demand that women procreate? I ran into all of the above mentioned walls in the medical field with people trying to talk me out of my decision. I had one doctor ask me what would I do if years down the road I changed my mind. I told her there are hundreds of children in the world waiting to be adopted. She told me that she had never thought of it like that! I wish society would mind their own business and let people decide what makes them happy in life, not what SHOULD make them happy in life. My husband and I have no regrets about the decision we made. And for the therapist above who says that Toby will end up a lonely old man, please ma'am mind your own business! Did he come to you for your views? NO! You are part of the problem in this world, telling people how they should live their lives with no regard for their own happiness.

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Jim K, Colorado Springs, Colorado. — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:36:19 GMT

I had a vasectomy at the age of 29 and was single. Since then I've been married and divorced. I'm now 45, single, sexually active and still think it was one of the best decisions of my life. Oh, and yes, I wear a condom! When in a long term relationship and know we're both safe, I don't... The peace of mind is wonderful. Too many people have children for selfish reasons. To continue the legacy, to hear the pitter patter, pressuring your children because you want a grandchild, is all wrong and selfish! The earth already cannot sustain the current population. It is high time to think before breeding.

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JM Kansas — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:37:11 GMT

Good for Toby! I am 24, my husband is 30, and I had my tubes tied at 23. We have always known we did not want kids, and though many people do not understand or respect our decision, we do not regret it. We made the right decision for us. Nobody has the right to be so condemning and severe on anybody, and those of us who choose not to have children are still loving, productive members of society. And as far as "doing something like this to yourself", well if that was meant in the context of an invasive procedure, many plastic surgeries are far more invasive and horrifying, if one considers what the surgeon is actually doing. Nobody should feel obligated to have children because of social pressure. Anyways, if you are determined, you can find a surgeon willing to do these things at a young age.

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Elliot Easton, Albany NY — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:37:44 GMT

I would like to ask those who call this man selfish to explain how this planet is going to support the projected 9 billion humans that will inhabit it within the next 50 years? I think that his decision was a responsible and courageous one. Maybe he will regret it later, I don't know. But it was certainly a responsible and unselfish decision. It is those people who continue to have children in the most wasteful and environmentally destuctive society ever to inhabit this planet who are the epitome of selfishness.

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A. Phillips, Florida — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:37:44 GMT

Initially I wondered what is was that you thought you needed to do in life that you couldn't do with kids? But then I realized you probably made the right decision. You actually sound like you are not very comfortable around most people let alone kids. Why make someone elses life miserable by bringing them into your dismal life. Good call.

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Happy and no regrets, Corinth, MS — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:37:52 GMT

Toby,

I think that your decision to take control of your future needs applauded, and applauded, and applauded some more. I am a 40-year old, educated, divorced, successful, childless women. And no, I have not spent my 30's climbing some corporate ladder and trading children for career. I like kids, I just don't want any. It's just that simple.I had a happy childhood with loving parents and I have a brother that I have a great relationship with. The first thing people usually ask me is why I don't have children or what's WRONG with me because I don't have children. I can't think of a more insensitive or rude thing to say to somebody! I always respond with one word....CHOICE! So many people have children and never worry about their future or the future of their children until after the fact if ever at all. Like life is just one big "Oh, well..." With today's societal trends of divorce, single-parent households, both parents working, household incomes declining, and consumer debt skyrocketing, it's not selfish, it just makes good sense to be clear on what you, and you alone, want for your future and not be fickle about it.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Anam Laoch — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:38:26 GMT

I had my vasectomy in 1994. The only negative comments I've received were from women. The first, "What if you change your mind?" is easy to answer with, "I won't!"
But the other negative comment always goes something like "How dare you take away a woman's right to choose?" It's as if MY reproductive organs were the someone else's property! I usually answer that one with a laugh. I've taken away no one else's rights; I've merely exercised my own!

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SS — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:38:43 GMT

I had my tubes tied at 27 years old. It was difficult to get my doctor to take me seriously about not wanting children. I am now 34 years old and I don't regret it one minute. KUDOS to all people who see it as selfish to have a child just to have one. To those people who think we are the selfish ones, remember, only GOD can judge me. I love my nieces and nephews and I spoil them rotten! The best part of it, I leave them with their parents and come home to my nice, clean, quiet house.

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Tim Jones, Scottsdale, AZ — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:39:08 GMT

I had my vasectomy at the ripe age of 26. At the time, I had two wonderfully healthy children - the second of which was 1 year old. When I sopke with my physician about the process, he agree that it was far healthier for a male to get a vasectomy than a female to get a tubal. Combined with the fact that my wife had serious trouble with the pill and we never seemed to have a condom at just the right time...

In further discussing the operation, his big question to me was - what if one of your children were to die in an unforeseen event? I looked at him and asked him seriously how anyone could assume that they could simply "replace" a lost child. The operation took place that afternoon.

Of course, 16 years later my wife decided that she need to "find herself" and we divorced. I've since married and my wife is quite happy with not needing to worry about other birth control mechanisms. Also, I agree with Toby's attitude that having children just to further a family line is the absolute WRONG reason to have children. Also, we see so many Scottsdale airheads with their "accessory children" and can't help but feel sorry for the kids as they grow up to parents whose only reason to have kids was to be like their neighbors.

Summary - the vasectomy has freed me from sexual concerns and the worry of having an unexpected addition to me family. Some would call that selfish, and maybe they're right. But my wife and I are thoroughly happy.

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Jeanette — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:39:16 GMT

I think that it is a privit matter and that he can make whatever choice he wants. My husband an I have 2 children and love them very much but we didn't want more and my husband chose to have a vasectomy at the age of 23. We had to go to 3 differnt urologists before we could find one to perform the vasectomy. We both have no regrets and have been married for almost 2o years. Having children is a choice and if you don't want them don't have them. Good for Toby for knowing his own mind and good for the doctor for respecting his wishes!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Amanda Groves, Denver, Colorado — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:39:29 GMT

After 10 years of marriage, no kids and a ton of begging on my part, my husband FINALLY got a vasectomy three weeks ago - I am thrilled! For those of you who say sterilization is selfish, remember this: Those of you who procreate while there are literally tens of thousands of needy children all over the world (yes, I have friends who have adopted from foreign countries, the stories they tell are heartbreaking) are the truly selfish ones.

Where in the world do you get the idea having children secures your future as far as fulfillment and care is concerned? Sounds like your lack of preparation now will result in your children's burden later!

I told my husband on our first date when I was 21 and he was 18 that I would NOT be breeding, with anyone. Kudos to you, Tony! Most people spend more time and energy deciding what kind of car to buy next than if they should or should not have children. Remember, you need a license to cut hair, but biology lets you keep crankin' em out. I have probably volunteered more in the last year than most people with even one kid will their entire lives. Before parents start talking about childfree people as being selfish, they should look in the mirror and ask how much they have contributed to society - other than more mouths to feed!

7 billion "miracles" are MORE than enough!! Childfree and proud of it!

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Vince Denver.co — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:39:37 GMT

Toby,
I had my vasectomy at 28, but I had it for different reasons. I want to commend you on you're decision, it is not an easy one, but if that is what what you want good for you. Ladies I am sorry society makes it harder for you to have it
done. I also hope you find the girl of you're dreams and it sounds like the girl you dream for, will not want to have kids either.

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Bryan, Fort Lauderdale FL — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:39:53 GMT

What people forget, just because you have children... This does not mean they are going to take care of you in your old age. Nor is it a guarantee they are going to be around once they reach adulthood.

They may or may not be around. Take care of yourself and plan best you can.

Kids are lovely, especially when they go home after a visit. Now that I'm in my late 30s I know I made the correct decision to not have any.

I'm not selfish, just realistic. I personally cannot afford children, I never have been able to do so. I can barely afford my house (and it's not that great), what makes people think I would be able to have a home AND children. Doing both and eventually becoming a burden on society, now that is selfish.

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Mike Bay Area, CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:40:23 GMT

I am 35 and have had the surgery in the past few weeks. It was something I'd always considered and, quite frankly, everyone I've dated has been on board with this idea.
Not only are kids not for everyone, but not everyone who has kids should. Sorry to say it, but a lot of parents should not be awarded that title. I'm sure the religious lady from Utah sees it as a miracle each of the nine times she gets knocked up. Your choice to not use birth control is more selfish than having a vasectomy. I don't leave it to chance, let fate decide. No, I have, instead, chosen to be responsible.
Great job, Toby!

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Roni Ruff, Mahomet IL — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:41:01 GMT

Good for him! Most people believe that making such a drastic decision so early in life is misguided or not thought through when I believe the exact opposite. If you are sure, you are. Most people regret things because they over-think it later on. Being happy with another person should have nothing to do with having a child together. You should be happy as you first and if you happen to find that special someone that's fantastic. I think so many people are brought up to think that they have to have that whole picture:husband, wife and 2.5 children, when honestly that just isn't the reality of life anymore.
On a personal note, I am twenty-five and am one of those 'rare' women who doesn't care if I have children or not. I have a younger sister who has already provided the grandchildren that most moms beg their offspring for, so no pressure on that homefront either. I think that people need to remember if this is what is making that person happy, we should be happy that they are and try to stop forcing our opinions on them.

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Megan Houston, TX — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:41:15 GMT

Anyone who says " I am more happy and fulfilled than you" and plays compare and contrast with others lives....are not.

What you do or don't do with your reproductive organs does not make you any better or worse than the next person.
This includes the
child-free
Whom I find JUST as obnoxious and self deluded as the crazy Duggar-type people

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When you remove the W you can't make WAR... Phx, Az — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:41:17 GMT

Quote "This story is just a representation of the egotistical,shelfish society we live in today. Sorry if the gift of a child would ruin your dinner plans or your favorite dress! There is more to life than your own shelfish wants and needs."

Is this guy serious? Okay, so someone is selfish because they refuse to bring a child into the world when they do not want a child? So now procreation is a requisite for unselfishness? Gee, it would seem that most rational people would think that it's selfish to avoid unprotected sex or usage of birth control so then an unwanted pregnancy could occur. No, you're right, it's not at all selfish to bring an unwanted child into the world. It's really fair to the kid.

The guy who made the comment above represents everything that's wrong in society. No critical thinking put into it before action was taken. Sound familiar, kinda like a certain war??? I'm sure the only thinking effort this guy has put in has been how he can get Bush back in office for a 3rd term...

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Peggy DaValt, Columbus, Wisconsin — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:41:30 GMT

I did not see the segment, but I did see the promos for it but I had to get to work.

I think in this day and age people that give lots of thought, as you obviously had, to NOT having children should be applauded.

I never had children as my ex-husband and I weren't sure we wanted them.

Now as a divorced 49-year old, I don't regret my decision of not having children. Yes, I've run the gamut of "what about grandkids or being lonely in my later years.." but I lead such an active lifestyle with my show dogs, and my full-time job and home (w/land). I think we gravitate toward friends and people who have similar beliefs. Many of my peers are childless or single without children.

One of the things I find most frustrating in society today is the number of unwanted pregnancies (teens, etc.) who end up keeping the children (or grandparents who raise them) rather than giving them up for adoption to couples who cannot have children. I so wish that more people would make that conscious decision to give up a child to someone who can give that child a chance at a better life than they can, especially if they haven't even finished high school.

We all have the ability to make decisions. You (Toby) made yours and you're obviously very happy with it.

Not everyone "wants" to have children and the last time I looked that wasn't a crime. :=)

It's all about what's right for you.

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Tia, Philadelphia, PA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:41:57 GMT

I agree with Marissa Love about women and being sterylized. It's ashame that they haven't made it easier and safer. Many women don't want any children at all and should have the same oppertunity to end their fertility whenever they wish. I think one of the problems is the doctor is afraid of being sued for giving a young woman a tubal ligation.

Why can't these things be somehow legally handle.d I'm 27 and never want children.

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Terry Jackson, Nashville, TN — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:41:58 GMT

I had one in 1973 when I was 29. It was the best thing, for me, that I've ever done. I'm 63 now and have no regrets.

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lisa — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:42:02 GMT

my friend had his at 21 what is the big deal that he got his at 28

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L., Cambridge, UK. — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:42:36 GMT

Good for him. What I don't understand is the pile of comments of people whing about "how selfish he is" or "how he'll have no-one to visit him when he's older" or any of that. Doesn't anyone think that, perhaps, he's already thought of that and taken it soundly into consideration?

I know I did before I got snipped.

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d-vo — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:43:01 GMT

(continuation)...i am now in my mid-40's. have a 7yr serious relationship with a wonderful man who wants a child. he is aware i had my tubes tied in my 20's. i have since had a hysterectomy for numerous tumors. he stands by me. people who want to be parents have that right...people who don't want to be parents have the right to choose. we are talking compromise and might have a surrogate, or adopt. i have NO regrets.

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Kyle, Black Hills, South Dakota — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:43:25 GMT

I am 29 and have three children and I met much resistance by our Pediatrician when I told her I was going to get a Vasectomy. It was the best decision I ever made, we had the number of children we wanted, and our sex life became 10x better. I however do think that this guy made a foolish decision because he doesn't know for certian if he'll want a child 10 years down the road.

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Sylvia Barrett, Chicago, IL — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:43:56 GMT

This article states that since he is the only male child in his family, the family line will die out if Byrum does not reproduce. Absurd and insulting. His female siblings and cousins can pass genetic material just as well as he can. They can even give their children the family name if they desire! Congratulations to Mr. Byrum for not considering passing along his DNA to be a sacred duty.

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Alex, Arizona — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:44:05 GMT

It's disheartening - yet not surprising - to see the anti-child nature of many people in this comment section.

If you don't want children, good on you. Make your own decisions. But to call parents selfish because they supposedly want a "little copy" of themselves running around, or to act like being childless makes you special somehow, that's downright immature.

Maybe people who say that just can't handle the responsibility of raising another human being.

As I commented earlier, fatherhood really has been the happiest time of my life. Anyone who says they regret having kids is probably jaded and soulless. If seeing the beating heart of your unborn child on a sonogram doesn't change your life for good, maybe nothing will.

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Shannon, San Antonio, TX — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:44:15 GMT

Selfish?

The misconception about remaining childfree that bothers many of us the most is that people who decide not to have children are SELFISH. Some data/facts on this issue:

In 1992, Rathus and Nevid (both psychologists) interviewed hundreds of couples on their reasons for having or not having children. They found couples with children had 9 common answers for their decision, and that couples without children had 13 common answers for their decision.

To summarize, they are:

NINE COMMON REASONS GIVEN FOR HAVING CHILDREN:

Personal experience - to have the experience of being a parent
Personal pleasure - the fun and joy of raising children
Personal extension - carrying on the genetic heritage or family name
Relationship - the close bond which is shared with children
Personal status - culture affords some respect just for being a parent
Personal competence - gratification from facing the challenge of parenting
Personal responsibility - the opportunity to look out for the welfare and education of another
Personal power - some find the power they have over children gratifying
Moral worth - some feel it is a good and selfless act to put the life of another first, or that it is a moral obligation to have children

THIRTEEN COMMON REASONS GIVEN FOR NOT HAVING CHILDREN:

Time together - more time each other and for other interests
Freedom - more opportunity to pursue other areas of life
Other children - can enjoy other children, and can help children who are already here through foster parenting or charity work with children
Dual careers - both people may pursue careers full time, a person (woman) does not have to quit, and a child is not raised by day care
Financial security - more money to pursue other interests
Community welfare - greater opportunity to get involved in community organizations
Difficulty - parenthood is a demanding and difficult job which is not always enjoyable
Strain on environmental resources - the world is already overpopulated and is unable to support the people who are already here
Increase in overpopulation - having children geometrically increases this problem and all of the problems that come with it
Choice not mandate - parenthood has to be a choice, not everyone is meant to be a parent
Irrevocable decision - once the decision is made it cannot be changed, so people must be sure it is what they want
Failure - some people had unhappy or abusive childhoods and fear that they would not be a good parent
Danger - the world is a dangerous place and it is not right to bring a child into it
In our opinion, it seems that all of the 9 reasons given for having children are selfish; they are all about what the parent will gain for themselves (love, bonding, etc.) While only 5 of the 13 reasons for not having children are selfish, the other 8 involve concerns for the world, the community, and the child that would be born.

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Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:44:26 GMT

I beg to differ with the "you need children to take care of you in your old age" argument. One of my uncles is in a nursing home where NONE of his children ever see him or care about him. It's my father & aunt who visit and make sure he's doing all right!!!

Bravo to this man. The ones who dare to call people who lack the desire to breed "selfish" are the same ones who abuse their kids & put their children in situations where they must go to court to protect their own rights (I worked in a legal clinic on family law cases & the things I saw would confirm that we should encourage more people to get fixed for the good of society at large). They are the ones who get divorced & forever treat their children as pawns in order to manipulate exes. They also blame the media, the fast food companies and everyone else but themselves when their little darings throw food everywhere, become obese, start using foul language, shoot their classmates with guns, etc.

I'm trying to get a tubal right now having met & married the love of my life, knowing full well we don't want kids & being aware that I'd resent a kid for taking away my legal career. Not to mention how pricey kids are, medical bills for checkups during pregnancy, giving birth, etc. A $15K adoption is probably about neck & neck with the costs unless you're poor and get Medicaid to foot the bill (I know a few mothers who did this). I'm not a maternal person & prefer to be the aunt. We also have no patience for kids and would probably end up in jail after using corporal punishment. I also don't need hand-holding or anyone's paternalistic notions in my face. None of these clowns have lived my life so they can take their opinions, fold them in 5 corners & put them where the sun don't shine.

Newsflash: God DOES NOT give you babies. Babies have been born to drug addicts, irresponsible women, teenagers, sex offenders and all kinds of creepy scummy people who have no business breeding--I don't believe in a god that's got such a sick sense of humor.

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Beck, Oregon, Wisconsin — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:44:29 GMT

I am a 45 year-old woman and I had a tubal ligation when I was 27. I had tried for several years to have the procedure done and could not find a doctor that would do it until I develpoed a health problem due to birth control pills. I have no regrets about being child free. I have critters instead. I will not judge anyone about their decisions for childbearing, but why would anyone want to bring another child into the world that would have everything, when there are hundreds of thousands of children in this world that have nothing, no parents, no food, clothing, etc...?
I believe it's the people who insist on "carrying on their legacy" who are selfish. What makes your genes so special? And to saddle your children with the responsibility of caring for you when you get old and feeble, why would you want that for your kids? There's no guarantee that they will even do so. So, kudos to the young man for his decision. There is so much more to life than just having babies.

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Jennifer, Corona California — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:44:49 GMT

Congratulations to Toby!
I am 33, married to a wonderful man, and not having children. I haven't a maternal bone in my body. I wasn't beaten or abused as a child, I love Mom and Dad, and still speak to all of my siblings. I am the "favorite Aunt". I don't kick kittens or worship Satan. I simply don't find kids or babies (gasp) cute, or a way to become one with the universe. I volunteer at the zoo and at the neighborhood homeless shelter. I go out of my way to help people or animals in need. I challenge Dr. Mann, or anyone else, to compare my life to that of Mr. and Mrs. American parent and explain how their life means more?! Mom and Dad buzz from school to baseball to the babysitter, with a DVD playing in the minivan, one kid on a cell phone and the other on a Gameboy. Meanwhile whoever is driving is on the cell trying to figure out how to get Halo3 for little Jonny for his birthday. Where is the spirituality in that? The only thing many parents today are "generating" are more little consumers to suck the life out of the planet.
Toby's decision may be less about his lifestlye, and more about not wanting to have Mr. and Mrs. American Parent's lifestyle. Out of 14 couples we know that have gotten married since my husband and I did, only 5 are still married. Many, if not most, of those divorcees use their kids as chess pieces in the divorce or the aftermath.
My husband knew and respected my wishes from day one. I plan to grow old with him, and we'll take care of each other through thick and thin. I don't find that selfish, and I wouldn't change it for the world.

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Zach, Small Town, Ontario, Canada — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:45:08 GMT

I had one at 21(over a year ago), it is no big deal. It is reversible and there are other options if the reversing fails. Honestly I don't see what the big deal is.

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Joan — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:45:40 GMT

Dear Brian Boise, ID. Wouldn't you have loved to have a part of your first wife? To see her eyes or her laugh in your daughter?

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Rich, Viginia — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:46:08 GMT

My wife an I have room in our lives for a child. But the chemistry is not there. PCOS is limting factor.

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J, ND — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:46:11 GMT

How is it that he's being selfish? He's upfront and honest about what he wants in life. If he meets a woman and she really wants a kid then they can explore adoption or foster care. I don't understand this pressure to have kids. I don't ever want kids. You can say all you want about how wonderful they are or that they're a "blessing" but that doesn't change the fact that I do not want to have kids. Whoever said earlier about not having people to visit you when you're 70 or 80 - that is selfish in my opinion. To want to have kids just because you're afraid of being alone is a bad decision.

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Scott, Miami — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:46:31 GMT

Up until my mid-30s, I was of the same opinion. I could not envision having children. There was nothing anybody could have said to change my mind.
I'm in my mid-40's and have a 4 year old now. I could not comprehend the meaning of having a child until it happened. My self-important, pre-child life was absolutely meaningless. I can't picture this guy in the future without deep regrets.

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Rhonda- Redondo Beach, CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:47:53 GMT

Please explain to me why it is selfish to not want children.
I never saw a disclaimer on my birth certificate that in order to live my life, I had to reproduce. As far I knew I was able to live my life according to how I chose as long as long as it was within the letter of the law.
The only responsibility I feel we had was to my parents who sacrificed for me. My husband and I have, in return, gladly sacrificed for them in appreciation all they gave to us.
I know my husband and I are healthy, happy and very much into each other because we don't share our time with kids. It is what we both wanted and we now enjoy the friendship of many more couples who have chosen the same lifestyle. How is that selfish?
We are by far the favorite Aunt and Uncle to our neices and nephews. We love them dearly. But, family in later life is not everyone's cup of tea.

We love our neices and nephews and work to continue that bond. And we will always keep rooms for them in our retirement villa in Tahiti.

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jj, portland OR — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:47:57 GMT

I have been thinking about getting a vasectomy. I am 31 and I have a fiancee that she already has kids of her own, they are older so i dont need to be a father figure.

I dont get one because she can no longer have kids. I decided not to have kids at the age of 23, and have never regreted it. If the person that I am with have had small children, I would have never been interested in her.

I didnt have a rough childhood or anything like that, I am just selfish. I like my freedom to do what I want when I want. If I ever broke up with my girl, I would go straight to the Dr. and have it done.

I like kids, and I like my nieces and nephews and what I like the most is that at the end of the day, they go home with their mom and dad.

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Lisa Holly Springs NC — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:48:48 GMT

How is not wanting children selfish, but wanting them so they can take care of you when you're old not selfish? Some of the most selfish people I know are parents because EVERYTHING revolves around their kids. If it does not pertain to their kids or help their kids then they aren't interested. That sounds pretty selfish to me. So does bringing more kids into the world when there are so many that need homes. Most people want kids because they can continue their gene pool . . . selfish, selfish, selfish!

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Nicky, Daytona Beach, FL. — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:50:05 GMT

I think Toby made the right decision. I knew when I was 12 that I didnt want my own children as there were too many unwanted children already in this world. After many years of wishing for an easy way out I had the choice taken away from me due to ill health. At the age of 25 I needed a total hysterectomy but the doctors made me wait for another 10 painful years, just in case I wanted a baby, only to have to have an emergency hysterectomy at the age of 35. Ten years later I feel better than ever, just annoyed that I had to waste ten years of pain because the doctors felt I would want my own child one day. Why should we all feel the same need to produce our own children, surely we shouldnt be looking at them as our caretakers when we get old. I love my nephews and nieces as much as is possible, and I live a very fulfilling life, my own children would not make me any more content with my life than I already am.

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John Fredericksburg, Va — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:50:35 GMT

Congrats Toby...there are many reasons for your choice. As has been said women have the choice to terminate pregnancies should they choose but a father has no choice if the woman decides to keep the child against the fathers wish and in this society he will pay the price. Not subjecting yourself to that blackmail or societies notion that all men should marry and bear children takes guts. I have and love my three children, pay child support and am taken to court yearly to have my financial life reviewed publically. Not fun, but my children whom I see regularly are a real blessing and joy. Adoption will always be a possibility for you should you marry and want children. Raising children can drain you if you let it, but often the children bless you more than the effort you expend.

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Joey — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:50:49 GMT

I think he's honorable. He's a role model to all boys and men! I may consider doing what he did, but I also want to be put on a drug to dramatically suppress -- if not completely kill -- my sex drive. That way I can focus all my attention on being the most intelligent and ambitious young guy possible with no obstacles in the way. I don't want to be like what people generally think men are -- a bunch of sex-crazed degenerates. I'll definitely spread the word about him to the guys. He's totally cool -- a true benefactor!

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Eric Fogel, Angola, Indiana — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:50:54 GMT

I think it's great that he was able to get this procedure done. I read some of the comments above, and I agree with the ones that talk about women having a harder time being sterilized. My wife and I caught much heat from a doctor when we were first married, because we both thought the IUD was the best choice, considering our views on having children. The IUD isn't even meant to be permanent (infections and complications can occur), whereas vasectomy is! My brother-in-law's wife had a hard time getting sterilized, and she's had three children! I don't like the double standard, if someone doesn't want children, then society as a whole should praise that person, because they are doing their part not to bring yet another unwanted/unplanned child into the already overpopulated world. We don't have children, don't ever want them, and I have been thinking of doing the same exact thing.

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K.R Rutland Vermont — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:51:30 GMT

I think if it your personal choice then you did the right thing. I turned 30 on sept 28.I have no kids and really have no interest in it. I date mostly men w/ children, so I have plenty of time to spend w/ kids. I have made the joke for years that I want to get my tubes tied, but always wonder what I would do if I ever changed my mind. I beleave it is a personal choice and we should be able to make that chioce.

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Meghan, portland maine — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:51:39 GMT

Good for you Toby- I just hope you don't limit yourself by not considering women with children from a previous relationship.

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Eddie Ft Worth, TX — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:51:51 GMT

I had a vasectomy at age 33 after divorcing my wife three years. I decided by the time I met a women and started having children I would be almost 60 when they were graduating from High School. About the same age as their peirs grand parents.

Being sterile was very attractive to my now wife of 16 years. When we met she was very happy to know she wouldn't have to take any birth control and could spend her life with a man she loved not worrying about getting pregnant.

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Jim D — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:51:56 GMT

Why is this a story? I had a vasectomy at 23.... and no children. I had to sign a waiver saying I wouldn't later sue the urologist, but no problems.

Jim

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Bruce E. Sadow — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:52:00 GMT

Good for you, Toby. I had a vasectomy when I was 33 years old, no children. My wife and I got married pretty young but we both felt like we would only have children when the time was right and we actually wanted them. The years rolled on, we both had careers that we enjoyed and spent our free time biking, hiking, traveling, snow skiing, SCUBA diving and boating. We practiced all known forms of birth control, and the time never seemed quite right for having kids, so I went in for the vasectomy. I'm 52 years old now. And I still feel like it's one of the best choices I made in my life (right below getting a college education).

Will I ever regret not having kids? I don't think so. It may sound irresponsible, but I've had too much fun living life. Maybe when I'm really-really old, and I don't have grandchildren running around making noise and getting their sticky little fingers on everything I'll wish I did. Only time will tell for sure.

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Sharee, San Fran Bay area, CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:52:02 GMT

My uncle, rest his soul has a vasectomy when he was 21. Mind you this was in the late 40's. He knew he didnt want any kids. He liked kids but just didnt want one of his own. I say its a personal decision, and society shouldn't have a say about it.

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Richard Vidaurri — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:52:09 GMT

If you, Gentle Reader, are so dumb or unimaginative that the only thing outside of yourself that will validate your existence is children -then go ahead. You deserve them.

Maybe Toby Byrum looked around and counted six billion people on the planet, and said, "Enough." Maybe he walked into a Walmart and said, "Not me." Maybe he likes being free, maybe he's not relying on anyone other than himself to "take care" of him when he's old (note to the fools who take this tack: the discarded people in Old Folks Camp have children, that's who put them there), maybe he wants to live his own life. For whatever reason, Toby, good for you and God bless you.

Richard Vidaurri
Alhambra, California

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Mark, Tulsa, OK — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:52:18 GMT

I cannot believe people are calling him selfish, then saying he'll regret not having kids later to take care of him! What kind of selfish reason for having kids is that? And if he changes his mind later, he can always adopt. I think it's very narcissistic to think we are so special that we MUST continue our family lineage, etc.. Let people make their own decisions. The man doesn't want kids, he lets women know that on the first date if not before, and he had surgery to prevent it from happening. It's his perogative!

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Emma, Newport, WALES. — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:52:30 GMT

Nice to know that my strong and irreversible feelings re: not having children are shared by others. I feel less alone and abused in this world now - and I thanks you for it.

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Darren, Denver — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:52:34 GMT

It makes me so sad to hear that there are so many people out there that know me better then I know myself. They think that I will be old and alone one day. Well I can tell you that I had mine at 28 and only the small minded, selfish people have had comments on what a poor decision it was. I know that I made the right chose. My grand mother asked me what I was going to do when I get older, who will take care of me. I jokingly told her that I can now afford a full time nurse. Shame on all you people who judge me for making a personal choice. I feel sorry for you.

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Brandon, Dallas, TX — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:53:24 GMT

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Tom Gu — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:53:43 GMT

To be perfectly honest, this is far from being selfish as one other individual commented. Choosing not to have one's own biological child isn't a means to skirt away from the responsibilities of raising a child, it simply perhaps offers a means to pursue it from another direction.

Consider this, there are never a short supply of parentless infants/adolescents/teens/etc., wouldn't it be amazing if many more individuals took the stance of foregoing their own legacy and instead perhaps chose the route of adopting a parentless child and offering them a life that would be more enriched with the love of a parent?

The world unfortunately is consumed with one's own selfish (blame evolution on this) need to continue one's own legacy (bloodline). In time, individuals hopefully will acknowledge that there isn't enough resources/capital/goods/opportunities in existence for every child to be spared the most enriched life one could pursue. Consider that it may be more feasible to attain a overall better life if there is more to spread to the few versus spreading a few to the many....sorry for the comparison however this topic, and its discussion, ultimately lead me to think that individuals never look at the broader scope of human existence and simply focus on their own.

I look forward to hearing more discussion on this and similar issues.

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Andie, NYC, NY — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:54:29 GMT

He sounds mature. He realizes it's irreversible and doesn't waste time on women who want kids. Having kids is not a requirement for living. I don't want them either, and frankly, you probably wouldn't want any of my spawn running around.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Jay, Orlando, FL — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:54:39 GMT

I get a huge kick out of reading the comments, "what about when he's old and doesn't have any kids taking care of him?" Or, "what about the family legacy?" Or, "what about meeting the woman of his dreams...?" Blah, blah, blah.
As a 40-year-old male who had a vasectomy in my late 20's, I wholeheartedly support Toby and his decision. Did you catch the main word there? "HIS". It's his decision to make and his to live with.
I did not, and do not, want kids because of a number of reasons. No, I had no childhood issues that affected this decision. I did think about the decision for a long time and made it mutually with my wife, who also happened to not want children. Gasp! The shock and horror of 2 grown adults not wanting children. George Bush would be devastated!!
To this day, I have absolutely no regrets about my decision and am actually quite proud of it. I see too many parents that really should not be parents, yet society gives an implicit thumbs up to them just because they have the capability of reproducing. To those people who have 3, 4, 5 kids, I really feel sorry for you. There must have been a tremendous hole in your younger lives that causes you to compensate by having too many children. Or, are you just hedging your bets that at least one of your kids will feel guilty enough to take care of you in your old age? Yes, I am being facetious, but that's the tact the psychologists should be taking with that thread.
If I truly feel the desire to have a child, I will happily adopt. There are too many unwanted, unloved children in the world. Maybe the families with 3, 4, 5, or more children are really the selfish ones here since they could have adopted instead and helped minimize the stress on our planet caused by overpopulation? Just a thought...
Anyway, kudos to Toby and the maturity it took to make a long-term, forward thinking decision.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Deborah, Omaha, NE — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:55:12 GMT

Hello Toby,

I am 46, never married, and no children; are you planning on only dating older women now? Deborah

Vasectomy Before Children?

Donna, Dupo, IL — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:55:26 GMT

I believe in his decision... as I've made the same one to not have kids, ever. I'm 42 now and 10 yrs ago I had my tubes tied without having children. I have no regrets or second thoughts. I think more people should be more responsible about bearing children and not think of it as something that should be done or for tax purposes etc.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Joan — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:55:42 GMT

To all above who don't want children. Arn't you glad to be living? Your parents gave you life. Good thing they didn't decide differentlly or you wouldn't be enjoying your other pursuits and your job's

Vasectomy Before Children?

David, Redding, California — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:56:02 GMT

I had a vasectomy in 1994 at the age of 22 one week after my son was born. The military refused to do the simple operation since they considered me too young to be able to make such a life long decision. I ended up going to planned parent hood in San Diego CA and gave a donation in order to have them do the procedure. I have no regrets and enjoy the fact that I do not have to worry about more children. I wish other people in society would be more responsible.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Rachel, Birmingham, Alabama — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:56:08 GMT

I am a 30 year old female with the same mindset as Toby. I have discussed having a tubal ligation with numerous doctors, however, they want me to be older and sure of my decision. That mindset irks me, because I am sure that I do not want children. Many women make excellent mothers. I am not one of those women. I was on the depo shot for 8 years and now am on the Mirena IUD. The IUD lasts for 5 years. Finally, I had a doctor tell me that after the next 5 years I can have my tubal ligation. I am going to go back to my doctor with this article and try to use it as persuasion. Thanks for the information.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Scott, Houston TX — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:57:15 GMT

Ah, the folly of youth. I remember when I was 28 thinking that the fun life of bars, travel, casual dating, etc., would be just fine forever. Kids would just mess that all up. But things change, and I'm glad I did nothing permanent at 28 that limited my options once I realized that life wasn't just about the next martini or the next trip. Condoms are not the end of the world, and they are pretty effective (though admittedly not foolproof) at preventing pregnancy; plus, in this STD-afflicted world, you should be using them anyway unless you deeply trust the one you are with. His choice is his choice, but I can't help but think of Seinfeld's rejoinder to Elaine's profession that she wants a life without kids, "You mean a barren, sterile existence that ends when you die?" You might not want to make that decision for yourself at 28 even if you think your life will never change.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Renee, Baltimore Maryland — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:58:22 GMT

My husband and I have been fighting with Dr's for years about giving me a tubal.We enjoy our time together and feel bringing children into our lives, cruel and unfair to them.We don't have any terrible childhood trauma. We just don't want kids. The only reason my husband has not had the surgery is the cost, mine would be covered by insurance, if we can ever get anyone to realize WE REALLY DON'T want children. So good for you to the men who are matue enough to realize they don't want to risk it.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Brandie, Lake Villa, IL — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:58:27 GMT

i applause all the men who are actually stepping foward and admiting they do not want children in there lives as well as most females. our nation is so over poplatied with unwanted children being abuse by familes who never wanted them or children in the hands of DCF who actually need the love.

Since i was 11 I knew i did not want kids. iam now 24 my choice still stands. I have been to docs they all tell me the same thing. too young, and u have no kids. i want to get it done b/c it is my choice in life. and Unfortualy i cannot bare children with out the injections of ivf etc etc, wast of money and time.

with this nation it is our right as women to have an Abortion which is no Questions asked. No doctors say so we just go to a specialize clinic and boom its done.

WHEN we actually take a step to control the population with unwanted children by choosing to get our tubes tied. U will Get a LOOK of a life time from most doctors with a big NO. its either your too young. and or have no children.

Why cant a doctor stop a women having abortion? but yet they have control to stop us from getting a some what simple as atube tide.? I will never know that answer.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Dina, Boise, Idaho — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:59:07 GMT

I think Mr. Bryum's decision is a testament to the selfLESSness in today's society. We can't fool ourselves, those of us who HAVE children are the selfish ones!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Dennis E. Billings, Montana — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:59:14 GMT

This goes out to Patti, also from Billings.
My ex-brother-in-law had 2 kids with my sister by the age of 24, and wanted a ves, but the doctor said HE was too young. Don't get all upset about women being treated differently from men, I think it depends on age, rather than how many kids you've had.

My wife and I (me 25, she 23) don't want kids. At some point she is going to get tired of taking birth control, and then I will have the surgery. I am not going to feel guilty about a kid I never had.

WOMEN PLEASE- Stop ranting about people's obligations to society and what will be left after you're dead. HAVING KIDS IS WORSE FOR THE WORLD THAN NOT HAVING THEM. Americans never see this because food is readily available, try telling Africans to have more kids to 'pass on the heritage' or whatever. The world has too many people ALREADY; any attempt to curb population growth is a start.

I dated a girl for 4 years throughout college who swore she wanted kids, and I assured her I didn't. We parted ways, why waste any more time. It was hard at the time, but it was the best decision of my life, so far, cos now I am happily married with NO KIDS.
3 CHEERS FOR TOBY.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Felicia, Dallas TX — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:59:18 GMT

Thank you for showing that not everyone wants a white-picket fence and little children running around it!!! It is perfectly ok (AND NOT SELFISH) to not want children. Plenty of people will keep reproducing, so if a few choose not to there is no worries that the human speices will cease to exist. I'm a 27 year old woman who seriously does not want children. I am not selfish, and I believe having children is a choice, not an obligation. I just wish they would stop being so hard on women who would like to do the same thing!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Mary H. Rio Rancho, NM — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:59:26 GMT

Good for you Toby! I (female) have always known I didnt want children. From the age of 25 tried to get my tubes tied but all my MALE doctors said I was too young to make such a big decision. Finally at age 35 I went to a female doctor of Indian descent who had no qualms about this immediately signed the paperwork to "get er done"-it was the best day coming out of surgery knowing the worry was over. I've never had any regrets!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Anthony Velst, — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:59:46 GMT

Could it be that some of these guys are looking at how they will be treated (mistreated) in the advent of divorce, custody and child support hearings.

Granted the law says best interest, generally if mom wants the kids, all else being equal guess how it goes, you got it the tender years doctrine.

Heaven help him if under those circumstances the economy is in decline, the industry he is in is being taxed for political reasons and he is in a profession such as engineering or science where the experience is very niche based and an engineer in the oil & gas industries that does not have experience in pharmacuticals or high speed manufacturing among others.

To the judge there are jobs as say mechanical engineers advertised in the paper but a mechanical or other engineer without the experience in the right industry well the employeers are not interested.

Who does the burden of this fall on, you got it not the IV D attorney, its welcome to the imputed income game.

I am not a victim of this myself but know too many guys that can not even afford a room in skid row flop house let alone a place consistent with their income.

If you do not know what imputed income is it is this the court imputes what they think the person is capable of earning as what their child support is set at.

If you do not believe that this happens go sit in the family courts and you will learn.

If a guy says this is one of the reasons he does not want kids and has a vasectomy one might think that they were witnesing the mob crucifying Jesus.

Instead he gives PC reasons.

I am sure that for a sizable percentage of the guys that this reason was one of many reasons.

I am sure as time goes on it will become more common for this reason.

Please anny illusion about Ms. Spears and this proves im wrong, keep in mind a few things, I said all else being equal (granted neither of them are saints, but he does not seem to have as many issues in the eyes of a judge as she does) she is in California, and to a great extent California is not a mommy state.

She is not in the north east and like it or no folks in the north east, especialy New England you as a man who wants custody of your kids if your soon to be ex wife wants them also guess who is going to get them?

This blog is not about custody, but keep in mind that with things as they are I am sure that this is in the forefront of a lot of these guys minds.

Before ladys start sniping at me, please change a system that is beyond broken and is beyond corupt.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Mia — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 21:59:49 GMT

I am very proud of him. I believe I have the right to choose if and when to have children-he should also! I chose to have a child four times and not to plenty of times (birth control!) My husband and I decided it was time to not have any more and he got a vasectomy at 38. I cannot imagine having a baby when you are not ready for it or do not want a child. It is too much responsibility,time etc. Like anything in life, if you do not choose it- it would be like a punishment I would guess. I support a woman's right to choose and everyone's right to not procreate. You are very smart to follow your instinct and not rely on other's or religion etc.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Frater Titus, Spring Texas — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:00:04 GMT

Having kids is selfish. There are 6 billion people on this planet and most people have kids like a commodity. Either to plow their fields like a cow, or to take of them when they are old. Women are especially arrogant. They lobby our government with more hystrionic legislation that taps the resources of the federal government and reduces our civil liberties. Women think that birthing children is impressive. Its not. A dog can do it. American women are especially selfish. They even treat children like a national monument to themselves. Its disgusting. Does it ever occur to them that their children are just given life, but also death. Yes, mothers give death as well as life. But you tell your kids that some sky daddy is going to keep them from dying, going to hell, getting shot in a foreign war, or slaving away as a taxpayer to reach the goal or retirement moments before the heart attack. Get over yourselves, breeders. You are evil and you know it.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Sandy L. — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:00:13 GMT

Get over yourselves, people. Not everyone feels the need to breed. I had a tubal when I was 28, I'm now 45 and have been with the same man for 15 years, and we have never regretted it ONE SINGLE MINUTE. Why it is so unfathomable that some people are just not wired to procreate, and it has NOTHING to do with being selfish, hating children, having a bad childhood, etc? I hope this guy is just lucky enough to find a woman who views him as a human being in his own right and not just a potential donor.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Leigh, Palm Springs, CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:00:16 GMT

Ann Landers' famous "The Childless Couple"

There is nothing sadder than a childless couple. It breaks my heart to see them relaxing around swimming pools in Florida, sitting all suntanned and miserable on the decks of their boats -- trotting off to Europe like lonesome fools. It's an empty life. Nothing but money to spend, more time to enjoy and a whole lot less to worry about.

The poor childless couple are so wrapped up in themselves, you have to feel sorry for them. They don't fight over the child's discipline, don't blame each other for the child's most obnoxious characteristics, and they miss all the fun of doing without for the child's sake. They just go along, doing whatever they want, buying what they want and liking each other. It's a pretty pathetic picture.

Everyone should have children. No one should be allowed to escape the wonderful experience that accompanies each stage in the development of the young -- the happy memories of sleepless nights, coughing spells, tantrums, diaper rash, debts, "dipso" baby sitters, saturated mattresses, emergencies and never-ending crises.

How dismal is the peaceful home without the constant childish problems that make a well-rounded life and an early breakdown; the tender, thoughtful discussions when the report card reveals the progeny to be one step below a moron; the end-of-the-day reunions with all the joyful happenings recited like well-placed blows to the temples.

Children are worth it. Every moment of anxiety, every sacrifice, every complete collapse pays off as a fine, sturdy adolescent is reached. The feeling of reward the first time you took the boy hunting -- he didn't mean to shoot you, the lad was excited. Remember how he cried? How sorry he was? And how much better you felt after the blood transfusion? These are the times a man with a growing son treasures -- memories that are captured forever in the heart and the limp.

Think back to the night of romantic adventure when your budding daughter eloped with the village idiot. What childless couple ever shared in the stark realism of that drama? Aren't you a better man for having lived richly, fully, acquiring that tic in your left eye? Could a woman without children touch the strength and heroism of your wife as she tried to fling herself out of the bedroom window?

The childless couple live in a vacuum. They fill their lonely days with golf, vacation trips, dinner dates, civic affairs, tranquility, leisure and entertainment. There is a terrifying emptiness without children, but the childless couple are too comfortable to know it.

You just have to look at them to see what the years have done: He looks boyish, unlined and rested; she's slim, well-groomed and youthful. It isn't natural. If they had had kids, they'd look like the rest of us -- worn out, wrinkled and exhausted.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Kristen Hanley, Atlanta, GA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:01:00 GMT

I too, applaude Toby!! As I sit here and read all of these comments it's so frustrating!

Why can't we all just respect each other's decisions and choices, because that's ultimately what it is....YOUR CHOICE!! I am 37 and my husband is 36 and he is scheduled for a vasectomy in just a few weeks. This is something that we have given serious thought to and are not entering into lightly.

I am an only child and have never wanted kids and niether has he. I have been on birth control for over half of my life and I feel that it is HIS turn for a change!

It is a much more simple procedure for a man than it is for a woman, and in most cases, covered by insurance. There are so many unwanted children in this world, and I am so sick of society always saying that you'll change your mind, and who's going to take care of you when you get old, and how selfish we are, and all the other comments that you are bombarded with. I say to all of them....It's NONE of your business!!! I promise you, the world will not cease to exist because we don't add one more unwanted child to this world just to appease his parents (mine completely respect our decision)or some warped pressure that society pushes on us. I am pushing 40 years old....if I don't want them now, I really don't think i'm going to have an epiphany anytime soon!

We like our lifestyle exactly the way it is, with the freedom to do what we want, when we want. We also have two adorable fur babies (border collies) that are our pride and joy and might as well be human....

It is high time that people realize that there are many wonderful ways to live your life and if it's right for you, then that's all that matters.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Sonya — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:01:06 GMT

There's should be a movement to support people these who choose to be childless.

It is far better to NOT have kids if you don't want them instead of bringing them into this world w/out the proper love/support/care. Kudos.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Cherie Pierce, Yucaipa, CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:02:00 GMT

What I do not understand is why men are allowed to have this procedure and women are not. At the age of 26, I have asked about a tubal ligation and was told that if there is nothing wrong with me, then it is OUT OF THE QUESTION. I have made the desicion to not have kids. This man is being praised for what he has done (as he should), but women get scorned. It is my body, my right! I am glad to see men take control, but if they are going to allow men to do it as a choice, women should be allowed the same opportunity.

Vasectomy Before Children?

DR. Oregon — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:02:51 GMT

What is more selfish, having children because you feel you have to, or not having children because you know you don't want to?
I think many of us out right want to cry "selfish" because lets just face it, it does sound selfish... but really, what if he had had children, "just because." There would be a part of them who would always resent them because he dosen't want kids.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Bill Brown manchester CT — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:03:27 GMT

I married a woman with twin girls and thought that would be enough. I had a vasectomey and then my brother and his wife had a baby girl. When I watch my brother with his own child it makes me wish I had thought about what I did. Did I have the vasectomey to qualify my marriage or did I leave myself out of the equation. I would love to have a child that was of my own creation and I am in deep regret.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Linda Jackson Grand Prairie, Texas — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:03:28 GMT

Contrary to being a selfish decision, I think not bringing a child into the world that you don't want is just plain right. Having a child does not insure that you will not grow up to be a lonely old person. And Just so we're clear, Ms Boxford needs to understand that breeding is not the only way to contribute to society. Mr Byrum is making a significant contribution to society by making a decision that is based on what is best for him, not based on public opinion. By the way, the public is usually who winds up supporting children when people abandon them after deciding to make a meaningful contribution to society.

Vasectomy Before Children?

shanti kumar, 491 south oyster bay road, plainview, ny 11803 — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:03:58 GMT

Toby
As a married man of 32 years, two grown children and seeing the state of the world we live in, your decision is infact unselfish. Dont pay any attention to anyone who considers your action selfish. You can still help kids, mentor them and make the world a better place. Kudos to you.

shanti Kumar

Vasectomy Before Children?

Kristin Johanson — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:03:59 GMT

Some ignoramus said he's selfish. I think the guy is super smart. I like kids, but not everyone has to reproduce. In fact, I have more respect for people who don't reproduce, especially in today's world, and with the earth's population at 6.5 billion for gawd's sake!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Jack — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:04:19 GMT

Hi all,

Just thought I'd let you all know I first wanted a vasectomy at 26 in the ending time of a bad marriage--I didn't want any whoopsies for sure. Was told at the time that the doctor would not perform the operation without my going through extensive counseling and my wife's consent. Not only women face this pressure from doctors--but the idea of morality vary wildly from area to area.

Now very happily "clipped" in my late 30's I still enjoy a childless existence, and my must say my health and well-being is greatly superior to those of my male friends who have had children and the borne the stresses that come from parenthood.

While a lot of lip-service(no pun intended) is given to men and the idea that they have greater control of their bodies--it's really not true in practice. All birth control techniques can fail, and in that failure the decision to have the child is basically a unilateral one and wholly up to the woman. Only vasectomy gives the power back to the man and gives him back control of his life.

Interesting, I think, but you must realize 80 percent of all first pregnancies are "unintended," or at least from the man's perspective.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Barb New York, NY — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:04:45 GMT

A vasectomy at 28? The guy is nuts. To take such drastic measures when there is birth control, shows he is severly lacking in education and wisdom. My policy is to never shut the door completely. Always leave it slightly ajar. He obviously is living in the moment and has no clue as to how he may feel when he's older. I'm 55 and realizing how far removed from 28 I am, I can look back and see how I've changed- my opinions have changed, my views are not the same and my wants and needs at this point in my life are totally different than what they were when I was 28. The person he is now, is not the person he will be in 30 years. He may want kids further down the road and for him to not realize this is not only sad but plain stupid. I think there is more to his wanting a vasectomy than what he's admitting. Maybe he's a victim of abuse.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Shannon — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:04:50 GMT

Joan, I guess we wouldn't know if our parents decided differently... what a dumb thing to say!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Tiff, NM — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:04:59 GMT

I also do not want kids and am 28. When I tell most people about my decision they look at me in disbelief and say "you will change your mind". I wish that people could be more supportive of my decision. Every time I see some mother at the grocery store screaming at her kids it reconfirms my decision. Being a parent is a hard job and one that I take very seriously. Kids require a lot of patience, love, discipline, etc. There are so many people out there who do not have these qualities in abundance to pass on. And clearly I know there are many great parents out there. I just don't want to be one.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Lisa Ashby — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:05:57 GMT

OK...since when does a grown man deciding not to have children rate a national story??? This is crazy. He is a grown man! This was his decision to make, I dont think we need to bring Matt Lauer and the rest of the TODAY show into it! Im sure he knows what is good for him, if this was it then more power to him!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Daisy, New Hampshire — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:07:26 GMT

Unsurprisingly, the smug parents are coming out in droves to call Byrum "selfish." As if many people don't have kids for selfish reasons themselves. And, of course, "Who will take care of you when you're old?" Ever visit a nursing home? Plenty of people there whose adult children haven't visited them in years.

Finally, to Liane Mann of Boxford, MA: People like you are a major reason I have very little trust in psychologists and psychiatrists. Your clients don't need you to push your value judgments onto them.

Vasectomy Before Children?

J M, Milwaukee, WI — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:07:31 GMT

I don't understand the people who are saying that his decision is selfish and narcissistic. How? He doesn't want kids, so what? Why bring another unwanted child into to world?

I am a 28 year old male and I am going to be having a vasectomy in the near future. I'd rather adopt unwanted children than have "my own". (My fiance feels the same way.) Giving birth to a child doesn't make it "your own", anyone can do that. Animals do it all the time. A child is "your own" because you love it, raise it, and teach it.

Congratulations, Toby!!!!

Vasectomy Before Children?

LYNN MADISON, WI — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:07:31 GMT

I'm all for it, I am acutally trying to think of a way to bring it up to my husband. We are newly married and I am not interested in the slightest bit about EVER having children, he doesn't want them either. This is a much less invasive procedure than getting my tubes tied....besides...THEY ARE REVERSIBLE!

Toby is not selfish, he does not want children...why does that make him selfish. He will then find someone who like himself does not want children...it is possible I HAVE DONE IT! To have kids for the sole purpose of not being alone in old age as I have read above is selfish, do you think your children are going to want to do that...HELL NO! Toby is not selfish just as a woman has the right to choose which is also not selfish. I say my body my choice...his body his choice...

I do however wish they would run a story on women and their choice to not have children. How still to this day birth control is not covered on many insurance plans and must be paid out of pocket but Cialis, Viagra, and Levitra are handed out like candy.
And how many doctors will not perform a tubal ligation on a young woman at her request, but there seemed to be no pushback on a man wanting this.... That is a truely frustrating thing.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Paul Ringgenberg Phoenix, AZ — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:08:11 GMT

BIG Mistake....Everybody realizes as they get older, that their ideas were flawed when they were younger...I can't imagine my life without my three wonderful sons. The biggest challenge and yet the biggest rewards. They taught me what love is all about. He will live to regret it.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Ramona, Freeport, NY — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:08:12 GMT

I'm really annoyed at all the women on here bitching about not having the same choice. Granted the medical community can be sexist but vasectomies are nearly 100 times more reversible than tubal ligation. And as I've read here, vasectomies can be irreversible too. So doctors want to delay you for as long as possible.

If you really want to do it, you can find a doctor who will or take them to court. I would rather see this made in to law than see more widespread abortions taking place. Maybe the standard should be 27-30 for everyone (men, women and other) wanting to deliberately remove their reproductive capacity

Vasectomy Before Children?

Laura, Ukiah, CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:08:25 GMT

Marnie, of SLC, are you out of your mind? Selfish, this is the most unselfish thing a person can do. We are not going to run out of babies anytime in the next millenia!

Vasectomy Before Children?

N St Clair Hagerstown, MD — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:08:26 GMT

My husband had a vasectomy at age 30. Both of us had been married before - both briefly and I had one child. We went through hell at the time (1972) to convince a Dr. to do this procedure. Counselling, several doctors etc. Reversal had not even been tried then and it was considered "permanent"

I am now 65. We have never regretted this decision as our lives consided of heavy adventure travel all over the world and the traditional house and white picket fence thing was never us. We lead a fullfilling life without a gang of kids around us and it suits us very well.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Di W, Sturgeon Bay, WI — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:09:16 GMT

When I was 26 I went to get a tubal ligation and was told to come back when I was 30. When I went back at age 30, I had to have my husband sign off on the procedure. This was almost 30 years ago. No regrets. I do not think it is fair to label this decision "narcissism-based". It was right for me and I hope it ends up being right for Toby. If the only reason people have children is so they are not lonely in their later years, there are no guarantees that their children will be around for them.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Bob Wilson, Cheverly, MD — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:09:27 GMT

I had a vasectomy at 24. Now I am 50 and have no regrets. I like children but I don't want to be tied down with any.

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Kellie, Florida — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:09:49 GMT

Vasectomies can be reversed, but it's not guarranteed. After 5 years, the sperm count drops dramatically. If the guy doesn't want kids, then good for him. Hope he remembers to use condoms to prevent disease. Good luck, man!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Alana, Lake Stevens, WA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:09:56 GMT

I am a mother of 2 and I fully support Toby. Men have a right to protect their reproductive choices. I have heard WAY too many stories about women poking holes in condoms and lying about being on the pill so they can have a baby, and it just disgusting.

Want to talk about selfish? How about having a kid just to "carry on the family name". How about having a kid you don't want, but "everyone does it". How about spending tons on money on fertility drugs to have a biological child when there are thousands of parentless children waiting for someone to love them.

Men (and women) should be able to make the decision to never have children without being attacked for their choices. When 20 year old woman says she's ready to settled down and have children, does anyone question her? Does anyone say, "Hey, you're too young to make that decision. You might change your mind in a few years." No? But a 20 year old can't make the opposite decision because they're too young to know what they really want, right?

He's 28, not 16. I think he knows what he wants and is aware of the consequences. How about people stop sticking their noses in other people's choices and mind their own business.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Dale Burrell, Minneapols, MN — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:09:59 GMT

I was 27 when I had a vasectomy. I had decided that I simply did not have the patience for young children. I am 55 now.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Mandi, CO — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:10:45 GMT

I agree with Marissa from Denver. The first thought I had was that if this was a woman she would have had to fight with a Dr. before having a similar procedure, if she could even find one that would go through with it. I am 31 and I KNOW that I do not want children. I have asked for a tubal but was told that I could not request the procedure until I was either 35 or married. Ridiculous! I'm adult, I can make any other decision about my body without a fight in a doctor's office.

To address others that are critical of Mr. Byrum's decision, first, there is no guarantee that if you have children you will find it a fulfilling experience. I know many parents who have regrets, but it is so frowned on to voice them that they will rarely express it. There is no guarantee that your children will like you and especially no promise of care in your old age. If you find it selfish not to have a child, do you not see the selfishness of producing a child just to ensure your future care?

Vasectomy Before Children?

Patty — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:11:56 GMT

i think he was wise to get a vasectomy since he decided he did not want to father any children. He seems to have his head on straight, and does not appear to feel like he is really missing out on being a parent. It is his choice after all to reproduce and he chose not to. I think MANY people today should sit down and reflect on this decision before they just lay down and pop out children. Being a mother of two and a grandmother of one and soon to be another, I can honestly say life could be no better than I have it, but alot of people today just are NOT ready to take care of the children they are having. I commend him for doing what he has done and to those who berate him and tell him he was wrong, that is YOUR opinion and you should be ashamed of yourselves. You made your bed, now you lay in it and think how you got there. I commend you Toby.. God speed and Good Luck...

Vasectomy Before Children?

Jack — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:12:12 GMT

Oh, and if you're going to do it, don't let the doctors tell you it doesn't hurt...a lot of guys get off easy but I had about a month and a half of real pain

Vasectomy Before Children?

Dielle, Portland, OR — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:12:22 GMT

come on people, 6 billion miracles is enough....and if you want to raise someone to take care of you when you're old, I'm sure one of those 6 billion already-born miracles would love a good home. Over-population is a problem...we're killing the environment and stressing world economics...creating your own child is the selfish & narcessistic thing to do. Bravo for Byrum!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Aimi Hoffman, Magnet, Indiana — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:13:26 GMT

I think it is great that this man spoke out about his decision. I am sure many others feel the same way, but wonder if they are strange or weird for feeling the way that they do. Everyone wants to feel that there are others that feel as they do and by this gentleman speaking out, they can have confirmation of that. Not only has he spoken out, but this blog is proof that others feel the same way. I think he has the right idea. He has been honest with himself and is honest with girls he dates so there are no false expectations. He hasn't let anything or anyone pressure him in to doing something that he does not want to do. If many others were actually honest with themselves and didn't let others pressure them in to doing things they didn't want to do "just because it is what most do", there would be less unwanted children born. It is always harder to take the path less traveled and I applaud this man for not only his decision, but for having the guts to speak out!

Vasectomy Before Children?

joan — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:13:31 GMT

Dear Leigh, Palm Springs, CA Is that how your parents viewed you? How sad!! My mom thinks I was a Joy!! She had Five!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Renee, PA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:13:35 GMT

Wow- I am shocked. I felt the same way ...At 16 I proclaimed to my family that I never wanted children...and that I was against marriage...15 years later... still felt the same way...My family gave up all hopes for husband and or children for me...and wow --at age 35 --I really took a slice of that humble pie!!!! I met the man of my dreams, my husband ...and now have a child.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Jamie K St Paul MN — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:13:51 GMT

I don't think Toby is being selfish at all. He has a right to decide if he never wants kids or not. Who decides if you have kids, and how many? I think it is noble of him to be honest about his decision from the get-go. he doesn't lead anyone on. If she wants kids, she knows she's out of luck with this one. Now if he lead her on, that would be selfish. Perhaps he'll grow older and regret his decision, perhaps not. Either way, I applaud him for telling any potential girlfriend his decision right away.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Chris, Springfield, Missouri — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:14:00 GMT

I had a vasectomy in 1995 when I was 32. I knew that it was something I wanted to do since I was 17. I'm 44 now, still single and no regrets.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Christy Jo, Flagstaff AZ — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:14:16 GMT

Everyone keeps getting stuck on the issue of unwanted, abused, or neglected children. I think we're all pretty clear on how human reproduction occurs. There are a myriad of devices out there designed to curb unwanted pregnancies - they're called contraceptives. Perhaps we should be looking at birth-control education before more people begin opting for such an outrageous, obviously ill-thought-out, drastic procedure.

Im a mother of one and thought I NEVER NEVER wanted children. But since I was won over to the idea and had my son, it literally hurts to imagine life without him. Sometimes I think back to the days when I was free to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and I feel sort of hollow and dead. I was nobody before I was graced with the <i>unconditional</i> love of a child.

Toby has made a silly, immature, irrational decision - upwards of 35 I can more easily understand, but 28? This kid has no idea what he just did.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Jane D. — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:14:19 GMT

Toby, I support your decision and think that you made the right decision for you. That is what is most important. Some may call this selfish, but it is not selfish to not want children, it is selfish to recklessly bring children into the world who are not wanted. You are an adult and it is your life. You are living your life, so your interests must take precedence over those of children who do not even exist. Also, since you are single, your decision was entirely your own, without influence from a wife/girlfriend. So you made the right choice for you, and I applaud you for it. My husband did the same thing. This is America and people should have the freedom to live their life as they please. At 28 years old, you have felt this way your whole life and that is enough to tell you what your heart desires. I applaud you for standing on your own two feet and being proactive with your life.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Bob McLeod, Irmo, S.C. — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:14:45 GMT

My experience is a bit different from Toby's, but along the same lines. My wife and I were in our 30s and decided we did not want to have children. Since a vasectomy is much simpler than tubal ligation, I decided to be the one who became sterile. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made. We no longer had to worry about an unintended pregnancy, and my wife was able to quit taking the pill. Like Toby, I had no problem with finding a urologist ready and willing to give me a vasectomy. I was surprised to read the posts from women who have had such trouble getting a tubal ligation. I guess sexism is still alive and well, unfortunately. By the way, I'm always perplexed by people who say deciding not to have children is "selfish." Why? If a couple have one child, are they no longer selfish, or is there a particular number that makes them unselfish?

Vasectomy Before Children?

Amy, Brunswick, OH — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:15:14 GMT

There was a comment earlier about it being difficult for women to get a tubal ligation because doctors don't think women can possibly make up their minds regarding children. I just wanted to say that this was not the case with me. I got my tubes tied when I was 24, and my doctor asked me if I was sure, to which I replied yes, and if I would change my mind if I met someone who wanted kids. I looked him straight in the eye and said "If he wants kids and I don't, isn't that kind of a dealbreaker?" and my tubes were tied within the month.

Kudos to Toby for his "selfishness" in deciding how he wants to live his life!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Jane Doe — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:17:52 GMT

As a single mother of one (I gave birth at 20), and being 28, I applaud Toby's choice. Parenthood is difficult and why should we kid ourselves and pretend like we don't know where kids come from. He has made a responsible choice in the way of precautionary measures to prevent an unwanted child. There are plenty of parents out there that create children and don't take care of them, why is this man considered selfish? At this point in my young life, I can honestly say that I don't want any more children and I relish this choice. I press on to be the best mother that I can be of ONE and not give in to society's pressure to "keep the party going".

I stepped up to the plate to raise my son, and given its hardship, it is rewarding. However, it is also expensive and life-yielding. I say cheers to those who have the luxury to live a "selfish" life and realize it before they get into a situation that allows no reversal. Children are an extension of your life, not a definition.

Vasectomy Before Children?

brian gomez — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:17:58 GMT

He is smart I should have done the same i have 3 unwanted children. I should have done the same when I was in my 20s

Vasectomy Before Children?

Debbie — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:17:59 GMT

Anyone who says,"It's a selfish thing to do"
Is just pissed because they got suckered into having babies and figured out way too late it's not what they wanted. Suckers. Don't get me wrong I love kids, I just wouldn't want to bring one home. Frankly I'd rather poke myself in the eye with a soldering iron!!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Jay, Orlando, FL — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:18:28 GMT

At 6:04pm, Barb from New York wrote:
"A vasectomy at 28? The guy is nuts. To take such drastic measures when there is birth control, shows he is severly lacking in education and wisdom. My policy is to never shut the door completely. Always leave it slightly ajar. He obviously is living in the moment and has no clue as to how he may feel when he's older. I'm 55 and realizing how far removed from 28 I am, I can look back and see how I've changed- my opinions have changed, my views are not the same and my wants and needs at this point in my life are totally different than what they were when I was 28. The person he is now, is not the person he will be in 30 years. He may want kids further down the road and for him to not realize this is not only sad but plain stupid. I think there is more to his wanting a vasectomy than what he's admitting. Maybe he's a victim of abuse."

Do you know this man? How do YOU know what he is thinking? Methinks you calling him lacking in wisdom and education points to your complete lack of thinking and intelligence. He made a decision and is sticking with it. He is not leaving the door ajar as a hedge on his decision. Successful people make a decision and stick with it. Your decision to leave the door ajar "just in case" means you have commitment issues because you are afraid of standing up for something you believe in. Think about it...

Vasectomy Before Children?

Rachel — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:18:30 GMT

Hi Toby,
At the age of 19 I went to my doctor and told him that I wanted to have an operation in order for me not to have any kids. He looked at me and just flat out gave me a NO! I was to you back then and it all was a messed up woman choosing a wrong decision! Well now Im 34 and have a 5 year old boy and a newborn and honestly I could tell you that...I still would choose NOT to have any kids. You see when you have kids society sees you as damaged goods and your spouse gets this odd sense of entitlement that I can not understand. The saddest part is that besides all of this the only reason I would still have chosen not to have kids its that you love them too much and you cant bear to see them suffer, cry, sick etc. You think about them and all you do is for there well being it is a lovely yet scary feeling. If you choose not to have kids well that is a well thought decision.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Carl, Redmond, WA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:18:49 GMT

I had a vasectomy at 32 with no children. Others may judge that decision negatively, but at the end of the day, it's my life to live. My wife and I lead very fulfilling lives and have the freedom to go when and where we want without constant worry about the children's welfare. We gain satisfaction from career, friends, and volunteering abroad and really do not require having kids to complete our lives.

It's revealing how some people say it's selfish to do what Toby and I did, but the same people will also ask "What about when you are old, who will care for you?" To me, it's selfish to expect to burden your offspring with your care when you are unable. And a news flash, the existence of the multi-billion dollar nursing care industry in America suggests that you should not expect it anyway.

I am confident that by the time my wife and I reach the point where life is no longer a joy due to sickness/old age, that the means will be legally available to have a gentle, peaceful end. This, in contrast, to spending your days staring at the TV or wall, where the biggest excitement of the day is strudel instead of the usual pumpkin pie.

Vasectomy Before Children?

D J Pitot Kennebunk, Maine — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:19:03 GMT

Anyone who believes it is selfish to choose a child free life is an idiot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

Vasectomy Before Children?

Allison, Portland, OR — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:19:15 GMT

33 years ago, at age 17, my current husband had a vasectomy. You were suppose to be 25 and with 2 kids. He borrowed a friend's wife and kids (they had 2 and 1 on the way)and lied about his age.

He has never regretted this decision. We met when he was 31. I never wanted children, so we were a perfect match. We've been happily married for 19 years.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Real deal, Phoenix AZ — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:19:39 GMT

That's fine if one does't wish to contribute to the worlds increasing population, but understand that it is just another reason how it's mainly illegal aliens and Muslims that are having children and will take us all over soon enough.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Anne Smith, Fairfax, VA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:20:31 GMT

I respect Toby's decision.

Many people have children without giving the decision much thought or for reasons which are emotionally driven (I want to carry on my legacy; I don't want to be alone when I am old). Your child may be nothing like you or may not carry on your legacy in the way you wish. Your children may not take care of you when you are old. The only reason you should be a parent is because you want to raise a child and understand the time, dedication, and sacrifices which are required of a parent.

We need to stop pointing fingers at each other. It does no good in the world but create anger, hate and resentment. You are not living Toby's life. You are still able to make the best choice for you. Concentrate on how you can become a better person... not on how you can change others.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Becki Garcia, Sacramento, CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:20:54 GMT

Why must we want children? And why when you decide that you don't - so many people think your selfish or don't know what your talking about. Before I got my tubes tied some of my family/friends kept telling me "well you have to have at least one, how can you say you don't want children when you have never experienced parenthood yourself, it's different when it's your own child, how could you be so selfish."
Well I ask - why is it selfish to know you don't want children, why is it wrong to not want them? And what is with "you should at least have at least one (it's not like you can give it back or sell it if you're still not happy with having children) - well if I wanted one - I would have had one. It's not selfish to know that children aren't for you and it's not wrong to feel that way. I'm 36 now and have had my tubes tied for years - "I HAVE NEVER ONCE REGRETTED IT" and applaud anyone who follows their own path in life and if that means no babies then so be it. Congrats Toby on doing what was right for you!!!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Central Colorado — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:21:31 GMT

Why is it that so many people think there is something wrong with you if you DONT want to have kids? Doctor told me I had to wait till I was over 30 or have at least one child before they would tie my tubes, even though I new I didnt want kids since I was a teeenager. Finally at 31 I was able to get the procedure and my now husband didnt want kids either.

It is also very idiotic to have kids just for someone to "carry on the family name" or, "someone to take care of you when your old". How many people live in nursing homes with kids that never come to see them?
Not all kids take care of their parents and you should expect them to.

Toby may find the love of his life later, but, because he lets them know ahead of time, I am sure the woman he marries will support his decision.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Heidi, Salt Lake City, Utah — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:21:59 GMT

So - why is it ok for a young single handsome man to make the choice not to have children and do something responsible about it by having a vasectomy?
Certainely is not the same if a young single pretty woman to make the choice not to have children and do something responsible about it by having a hysterectomy?
Anyone else see the irony and unfairness in this article?

Vasectomy Before Children?

kat, riverside, ca — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:22:17 GMT

my husband was 23 and we had been married two years (i was 25) when we decided we did not want children. we looked into both vasectomy and tubal ligation, and my husband felt very strongly that it would be safer for him to go under the knife (my hero!), and there was less recovery time involved. and while we spoke in depth to our doctor, never once did he tell us we'd regret the decision later in life. it's been nearly 11 years, and never once have we been sorry. having children is a personal decision, and not a requirement, and those who choose the permanent option should be commended.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Don, Tacoma, Washington — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:22:39 GMT

To the people who think having a vasectomy is selfish I can't understand what you mean. Nothing could be less selfish in my eyes than giving up your reproductive rights. Selfish, would be having more children to get a larger welfare, alimony, palimony or government check or to trap someone. Selfish would be having children cause you need more farm hands for free labor. Selfish is having a baby because you want to see what he/she will look like. Maybe, he was abused and wants to "end the circle of violence"? Maybe he thinks this is the best way to reduce his carbon foot print on the world? Who can argue that the single largest threat to the environment or world is anything other than people? There's an argument out there which states that if Darwinism is accurate then the world will continue to become more stupid because the smart people aren't having babies. Right Oprah?

Vasectomy Before Children?

Mick, Astoria, OR — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:22:44 GMT

It's difficult to fathom that anyone would use the word "selfish" to describe the choice this man made.

A popular rationale seems to be the fact that he will have no children to take care of him if/when he is infirm. Hello? Who's being SELFISH here? Since when is it selfish to NOT burden one's offspring with a responsibility they didn't ask for? Sounds like complete hypocrisy to me.

And then there are the critics who themselves have given birth to more than 2 children, thereby increasing the world population, which has already surpassed the ability of this planet to sustain. (How many children starve to death every day -- every MINUTE? If you believe otherwise you're living in a fool's paradise.) It's SELFISH to believe that your offspring have a right to exist at the expense of someone else's food or opportunity.

Finally, there is the "spirituality" argument. Please. This is a thinly-veiled "my religion is true and yours is false" position; the very definition of SELFISHNESS. Spirituality takes many forms, including the belief that humans are a part of the earth and cosmos and therefore should strive to live in harmony with them. If that entails non-procreation, then how is that more selfish than the belief that humans should be entitled to reproduce without limits?

And, yes, I am a childless man who has undergone this procedure. If I change my mind, guess what, there are thousands of children in this world in need of a loving parent. They won't have my genes? SO WHAT?! Such a requirement is transparently SELFISH.

Want kids? Fine. Have a dozen. It's your right. But to call Mr. Byrum or anyone like him "selfish" is beyond contempt.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Ryan, Dallas TX — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:22:45 GMT

find it interesting that a majority of women responded to this article. It's evident that women are more emotional about this decision than men are. I'm 30, I've been married for 10 years, and I am proud to say I have never changed a diaper in my life. The two arguments I typically hear when others think it's there responsibility to counsel me on how many kids I should have, when I should have them, and how I should feel about having kids is that I'm not giving back to society, and that I'll be lonely when I'm older. How is having a kid when you know you don't want one doing society a favor? What some don't realize is some people don't mind being alone, in fact some like it. I think parents just want everyone to "join the club". It was nice being a kid, but I don't like kids. I want everyone to be happy with their lives. If having children makes you happy then have them. I don't want to find out if it makes me more happy because I'm already happy enough. I don't need anything else to complete my life, and I don't feel the need to give a child to society. That's my choice and I think it's a good one. We go to Europe every year for 2 weeks. Every couple we know with kids says "We'd love to do something like that, but with the kiddos....." I honestly have no idea what is so attractive about babies. There isn't one bone in my body that wants to have any for any reason at all.

Vasectomy Before Children?

GARY, TOOELE UT — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:22:52 GMT

IT ALWAYS AMAZES ME THAT THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE RATIONALIZED AWAY THE LIFE OF AN UNBORN CHILD, EVEN ONE THAT IS YET TO BE CONCEIVED, NEVER CONSIDER THE MIRACLE OF THEIR OWN BIRTH AND MORTALITY. TO ALL THE "TOBY'S" OUT THERE, MALE AND FEMALE, WHERE WOULD YOU BE IF YOUR PARENTS HAD BEEN AS INDESCRIMINATELY SELFISH AS YOU ARE? MOST DAYS, I WISH THEY HAD, THEN WE WOULDN'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOUR SELF-CENTERED DRIVEL.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Yonaira Quirino, Humble, TX — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:23:01 GMT

I'm surprised at the people that are saying he's selfish. Personally, I don't think it's selfish of him at all! He knows he doesn't want kids; why bring another unwanted child into the world? America and other countries have plenty of children that need good and loving homes for him to adopt if he changes his mind later. I'm 26 and I'm still debating. Sometimes I want kids of my own, sometimes I don't. I see my stepdaughters and how mouthy and self-centered they are and I think, do I really want to deal with that myself on a daily basis for the rest of my life? To be fair to them, they learned to be the way they are from their mother, but it still makes me wonder. For the time being, the only thing I'm mothering is my dog. I can't get thrown in jail for putting her in the laundry room and/or a kennel while I'm at work.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Bill Donovan — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:23:33 GMT

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah... it's a good decision for a person that feel that way at 28.. but believe me from 21-28 we change and from 28-38 we change again... and so on. It will be a pitty to be old and regretting the decision that made at such a young age. Some people I suppose would really know... good for them. But truly I believe those people are few and far between... mostly it's a selfish impulse that we do to prevent the baby trap... truth is that sometimes when we get caught up in something we know nothing about we find that it was an amazing fortune bestowed upon us. I'm proof. Be careful... having too much control of something that important may have quite devastating results... Wait.

Vasectomy Before Children?

CLV, Los Angeles, CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:23:39 GMT

You think it's hard being a man who doesn't want kids in this world - try being a woman who has no desire to have children!! We have still not progressed to the point where society does not think something is "wrong" with someone who has no inclination to reproduce, especially with a woman who feels this way.
Bravo to this man for his choice - I hope someday women will be able to have the option of sterility as easily as men have it now.
Reproduction is a choice. I do not understand the desire for children, and I'm sure women who have kids do not understand my lack of desire to create children. The fact remains that we each have a choice in the matter and should show a bit more respect for those who chose opposite what we do, whether we are capable of understanding their choice or not.

Vasectomy Before Children?

J.M., Oklahoma — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:23:43 GMT

People should live and let live, if this is his wish, no problem! It seems that people have much less criticism of those who keep reproducing and reproducing children they can't support or don't want, but for this practical guy there is an uproar. Also, having kids is a huge gamble. Maybe the kid will never visit you in your old age, treat you badly, or be a drug addict or criminal, or any number of things parents would not hope for their children. If you don't want children enough to make this gamble, it's your perogative. Good job Toby, you are a smart guy and I applaud your decision and courage. You will not be accepted or understood by some people, but the most important thing is that you can say you are living your life the way YOU want to, not the way society, mother, friends, or whoever wants you to.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Joshua B, Gladstone, Michigan — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:24:11 GMT

Wow some of you people are something else. The man made a choice that was best for him. God forbid a man criticize a womans reproductive choices...all hell would break loose.

Not having children is just as valid a choice as having them. And it's perfectly normal NOT to want them.

Spare us your holier than thou attitude just because you like to crank out kids....

Vasectomy Before Children?

Dave Alan, Belmont, CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:24:12 GMT

I did the same thing for the same reasons, more or less. As a working musician I didn't want to accidentally father a child while on the road. I had no compulsion to become a father, and in fact, did not want nor plan on wanting the responsibility. I joined the notched-crotch club at 28 or 29 (I'm 56 now) and never regretted it (nor have most of the women in my life, other than one who did want children).

My hat is off to women & men who do not feel the need to procreate and take positive steps to avoid joining the herd of accidental breeders.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Maria, Elko, Nevada — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:24:36 GMT

How ironic that nowadays men can do this. I had to wait until I was in my 30's in order to get a tubal ligation. I have not wanted children since my teens, wasn't going to have any children and yet I had to persuade my doctor to 'allow' me to have this procedure. I hope women now are allowed this same decision making process that men are given.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Tom Lightfoot, Reno, NV — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:25:25 GMT

I say great if you don't want to help our future generations with you weak life lines. Only the strong survive.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Betty, Missori — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:25:35 GMT

I truly think this is an individual choice for each of us to make. I personally wanted to have my tubes tied after my first child with my husbands suport at the age of 25 and no doctor would do it and all suggested that I attend therapy. I am now 45 and have three beautiful children, which I do not regret having, however if a doctor would have done the surgery I would have had no regrets either.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Lisa, Vancouver,BC — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:26:26 GMT

I was told I was "selfish" for choosing a tubal ligation at the age of 31 and not having had children of "my own". (I had made the decision when I was 21 and I pestered my physician annually.)
My motivation?
Speaking only for myself;
1) I felt it was selfish to be overwhelmed with the necessity to bring a "likeness" of my self (or mate)into the world when there are many children living in garbage dumps, etc. (Or witnessing couples paying >10K$ to have in-vitro, etc to watch the emotional upheaval and near divorces that ensued.)
2) I have witnessed more than a few men in my life time get duped into life long commitments by women "accidentally" getting pregnant. I did not want ther risk of that burden.
3) Legacy? I want to leave all my life time accumulations of material wealth to my choice of good causes that will "pay it forward" rather than the "buck stops here" to one or more of "my own" children.
4)I balked at the concept of, "But what if you meet the right man", concept. If he is right for me, he will respect my choice to not reproduce. If he is feeling charitable he will adopt and/or donate time & funding to medical clinics, education & other desperately needed programs for children locally and internationally. (Perhaps the local food bank as children need breakfast to learn effectively.)
Bottom line, I refuse to contribute to the over population of our stressed planet. I am trying to leave a smaller environmental footprint and take advantage of the resources (orphaned and and poverished children) to fulfill my nurturing, maternal needs.
I have no problem with anyone having children ~ it is a matter of choice. Just don't tell me I am selfish because I do not choose to produce someone to keep me company when I am old.
That is my legacy.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Diane Poe, Portland, Or — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:26:31 GMT

My brother in law had a vasectomy when he was young because he never wanted children. We all knew his views. Then he meets his wife and she really wanted children, so he got it reversed. Now she is suffering from infertility and they have spent years and lots of money to get pregnant, yet to no avail.

I am torn, I think that it is great to choose what you want to do, but life dose change over time and he could change his mind. Also, there is the great point of STD’s and men should be using condoms if they are not in a stable monogamous relationship for their health and that of their partner. I totally recognize that people should not have children if they do not want them. Women who do not want them should be allowed to get their tubes tied, that they are not allowed to is very sexist!! There are may children who are brought into the world who are then neglected when many grow up to be criminals at worst and at best damaged adults who don’t know how to be a productive member of society. Some function on the outside, but are damaged on the inside. I feel so bad for all of these children and adults! We all deserve to be loved and cherished by our parents.

One unfortunately thing is we pay lip service in this country is to supporting families and kids, but the reality is this society dose not do so. We live in a “What’s in it for me” society most of the time. If we lived in one where we worked together, supported one another and saw that sometimes it is us that needs support and at other times we are the ones able to give the support.

So Toby, I support your decision. I just ask that you support your co-worker who needs to leave work on time to pick up a child and asks you to stay late to finish up the big project because you do not hold the responsibility of a child. You stay late because you can. Just remember, you get to sleep in on weekends, drink hot coffee, and read the paper. Those of us with children, where we are fully engaged with our offspring, gave up those days for years. Also, it may be my daughter who comes to your house and helps you to the bathroom when you are old and in need of assistance. We all have trade offs. No one is better and no one is less than. Peace to all.

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Joan — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:26:56 GMT

Dear Peggy DaValt, Columbus, Wisconsin It is sad you would prefer the company of dogs, Who are just animals, to your own flesh and blood! I am glad you chose correctlly

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Steve, Milwaukee, Wisconsin — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:26:58 GMT

Earlier, someone from Utah had said that Toby is being selfish by not having children. I don't understand this comment at all. Isn't it far more selfish and even self-indulgent to bring children into the world when there are already Billions of people on this crowded and ecologically strapped planet? Having children is one of the most selfish things a person can do...

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DJ Pitot Kennebunk Maine — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:27:15 GMT

Kids are like F arts, You can't stand anyone elses, and you can barely stand your own!!

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Scott, Oconomowoc, Wis. — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:28:32 GMT

It's almost pretty simple. Toby sees it as a path to ultimate happiness. Others, including me, see it as a decision closer to ultimate sacrifice. One fact is this: Parents, especially those who had kids later in life, have lived both sides, and he has lived only one. He can't really know. (Nope, he can't.) But he is free in this context to express his happiness, and that's great. All that really matters here is whether he's indicative of a significantly growing, long-term trend.

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Jeff, Boise ID — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:29:06 GMT

So you don't want to have children? I'm sure however, that you will have problem living off the social security paid by others peoples children.

The way our society is structured depends on people to have kids to pay into the social security system for those who are old. If you don't have kids than you are not paying into the system and are freeloading off of other, less selfish, peoples efforts.

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Eric, Williamsburg Va — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:29:43 GMT

I think this is a good thing. Maybe the thinning hair gene will be removed from society with this process.

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Andrea, Kearney, NE — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:30:16 GMT

I don't understand why so many people say he's selfish. It not the end for him. Adoption is always a open and wonderful option if in a future he changes his mind. I don't believe children should be bring to this world beacuse it's your "legacy" or whatever people want to call it. And just because you don't want childern of your own, it doesn't make you some kind of bad, traumatize individual, who will spend the rest of their lives and die alone. I have seen people with lots of children and grand children and they are the most miserable, lonely people. And I also seen people who don't have any children of their own, and they are truly lovely people. There is a big double standar here, not only between man and woman, but also on how people choose to live their lives.

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Darla, Houston, TX — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:30:25 GMT

NO WAY! I am 36 year old woman and I NEVER, ever in my life wanted children - EVER! I stuck by that full force until about 2 years ago when I did a complete 180 and now "wouldn't mind" having them but probably never will since I waited too long and now have no one who wants to have them with me. I think no matter how smart or how much you think you know about yourself in your 20's that changes quite a bit once you hit your mid 30's. I wouldn't have wanted my 16 year old self making decisions for the 23year old me - this is that kind of instance. Bad, bad decision so young!

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Natalia Shawgo — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:30:36 GMT

This is his right to do what he did, but to say he feels he will have a more exciting life without children is really sad. What if his parents would have said that before he was conceived??????? I think that is just so wrong to make a cmment like that. Hope it comes back and bights him in the rear. Children are a wonderful gift.

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Pam in Minneapolis — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:31:10 GMT

When I was 24 I considered tubal ligation. I was a correctional officer; I saw the worst in people and many children who need foster care and adoption. My mother talked me out of it, but I haven't changed my mind in 17 years. Now that I am 41, I am wondering why ALL this attention is being paid to Toby. He could meet a fantastic lady tomorrow who already has THREE children; it happens. Men have it easy when it comes to reproductive choices and I wish more of them would consider what we women face; society in general hasn't helped advance women's reproductive rights. I am trying to talk my fiance into a vasectomy; he doesn't want children either, but gets queasy when thinking about the knife "down there". Men!

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Angela Lord, Santa Monica, California — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:31:21 GMT

Why is this even news? An intelligent guy makes a personal decision for his life. Why would anyone have a problem with that?

I find very amusing the people who tell Toby he's being selfish, and who's going to take care of him when he's old and doddering? As if it were not selfish indeed to bear young so that you'll have someone to wipe and dipe you in your dotage!

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Brian, Long Beach CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:31:31 GMT

Sad to see people are insuting his decision. Why not be angry at the men that have kids they won't support. Or the women that trap men into relationships using children that will later only serve as fodder for a divorce settlement. I say BRAVO to someone that knows what they do and do not want out of life and takes the necessary steps to see to it. And if he does regret the decision not to have a family, guess what...there are other alternatives for that. Adoption is one of the greatest things a person can do for another person in this world. You call him selfish? Yes, he is. We all are. Having a child is just as selfish because you have kids to make yourself feel better and like your in the right place. Everything that we do is selfish in some way or another.

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John Washington, Indiana — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:31:31 GMT

Good move, I had one done 20 years ago and no regerts at all. It is all what a man wants. Silky75

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Amy, Fountain Hills, AZ — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:32:20 GMT

Wwll I really don't care either way about HIS decision...I mean it's HIS decision. What I do care about as it was stated that WOMEN are not aloud to make choices for themselves when it comes to having a tubal. Definitley not fare and i hop this does get addressed!!

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Ed, NYC,NY — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:32:27 GMT

BRAVO !!!!You did the right thing ! Now adays a child is still the fastest,cheapest and most popular way for a women to rope a man. Belive me it happen to me. I belong to a support group just for this kind of thing. Im 35 with a kid on the way and in a loveless marriage. BOY what a mistake I made. She told me she was on the pill. We dated for 2 months, all was well till the OOPS ! Im late ! No way out.

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joe — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:32:41 GMT

Society needs to break this stigma that if you don't want kids, you're a freak. I don't want kids because I love kids. I'm not a loser, I do well for myself and at 28 too, I can say that not being a parent and not wanting to be a parent gives me all the oportunities you probably wish you had. I'll be thinking of you all when you're taking care of your kid at home and I'm on my way to Austrailia for vacation. There's a lot of people who have kids who should have no right to have kids because they're horrible parents. There's a lot of people who get with the wrong person. There are a lot of people who say that "I'll find the right person someday.".....nevermind of course there are millions of married people with children who have still yet to find the "right" person. Not having kids is a respectable choice and as soon as I find a Urologist to do mine, consider me sterile!!

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Marc D, Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:33:01 GMT

Wow! Amazing! We are actually willing ourselves out of existence. Fertility rates are way below replacement level across Europe, and Canada and dropping in the USA and we applaud healthy, young people who deliberately "take themselves out". I can understand why a small number of people in a society might choose not to have children, but when an overwhelming number decide not to for various and sundry reasons...looks like cultural suicide to me. Too bad, because for all its faults, western civilization has offered a great deal of good to the world. Of course, this isn't the "end of everything", but I'm not sure many of us individualists will like what replaces it.

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Glen Gray — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:33:33 GMT

Although such decisions are clearly up to the individual, unfortunately the very people who make these type of decisions are the very thoughtful, aware, and involved people who we should encourage to procreate. Removing Toby and people like him is a net loss to the gene pool and is not a good thing for the future of the species.

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Tom B, Los Angeles, CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:33:40 GMT

It's kind of a nice affirmation (not that I have ever sought one), that others have made the same choices I've made... I realize how self-centered that sounds- but it's a big decision, and I have encountered a fair amount of critisism over my choice to have the procudure, as well. I was 32, and with someone I cared about deeply, but her path and mine were not the same. She had a Need to have children, and I've always pictured my life without them. I had it done, we had another 5 great years together, and then she got about finding the man she'd spend her life with. I'm still single, and am sorry to have lost her companionship, but have never regretted my decision. Not for a moment.

The world is incredibly populated already- there is no "need" for me to have children. I too, am the last of my bloodline, but life comes first, you know?

Good Luck, Toby!

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Beth, somewhere in Asia — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:34:03 GMT

I'm 55. Had a tubal ligation when I was 23. Never regretted a day of it. I'm not interested in children. My ex had a vasectomy at the same time. Better to take care of the issue up front. Why is it that the medical field thinks women are too stupid to know their minds? And please, don't say that women have sued their doctors because of a sterilization process. In over three decades I've never heard that confirmed.

I make a great "aunt" but don't want any of my own. I think people are selfish when they have kids they can't support with time, energy, money. Welfare is not an honest way to raise kids. I don't want to pay for your selfishness and stupidity.

What a sad excuse to have a kid, that you want someone to take care of you in your old age? Really. That's selfish. What guarantee do you have that they'll want to take care of you, that they'll live in the same part of the world, etc?

I currently live in Asia, have lived on 3 continents
in the past decade, have a job that I love with people I respect (same company). I have friends throughout the world of all ages and walks of life. I take two nice holidays a year, one for a minimum of 4 weeks.

I try not to live in America because of the child fetishists.

Am I lonely? Absolutely not. Do I have close and dear relationships? Absolutely.

Last week I got certified to dive. I have fun, for me life is not all about suffering and being a victim.

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Regenia P. — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:34:13 GMT

To each his own! Toby made a choice and he has to live with that. I work in the healthcare industry as a nurse and I know how peoeple without children or grandchildren to help with them feel. Friends and other family members will only do so much. Children are a blessing and a gift from God. Choosing to be sterile, unless for medical reasons, is like telling God I hate that you made me this way. But most people in our society don't believe in God. What about women? I know a lot of women who at a young age(25) decided that they didn't want kids. The doctors wouldn't even consider it unless you've already had children or married. That's crazy!

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Natalia Shawgo — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:34:50 GMT

Also, the cost of reversing the vasectomy is very expensive...$10,000.00-$12,000.00. My husband had this done from peer pressure from family, and friends. Now we would like to reverse it. It was never disclosed to us how expensive it was to get reversed. $300.00 to get it done, and $$$$$ to get it reversed. If we would have known how expensive it was to reverse, we would have never it done.

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Clint, Birmingham, AL — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:35:33 GMT

There are a variety of reason that Toby probably made his decision.
1. Selfishness of time, money and attention
2. He is afraid of the typical relationship in America today which is......marriage and pregnancy, in no particular order, divorce and an outragous and unfair child support payment for the next up to 18 years.
3. He just simply doesn't have the urge to nurture a child and I personally don't know many men that do, even if they now have children that they love and support with all that they have in them.

I never wanted children either. I had one thing on my mind and that was doing whatever I want, with whoever I want, whenever I want and no one to answer to. Fortunately, I got married and had a beautiful daughter, who is now my life. I have never regretted having a child since then and would entertain having more in the future. Toby knew that if he ever had a child he would be responsible enough to put his wants and needs on the backburner in order to take care of his child and he simply does not want that responsibility, now, or as he thinks, ever. He will change his mind one day and probably regret it but he understand that possibility and is willing to risk that. So, as selfish an act as it is, thank goodness he is not going to drag a child into his own selfishness. Who knows, he may have turned out to be a great parent but then again maybe not. At least it's not affecting anyone else. I pray that if he has never experienced the love, grace and salvation of Jesus Christ, that he will one day, because when that happens, you start focusing on more important things than pleasing yourself. Until then, his decision will seem and probably be wise.

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guy — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:36:26 GMT

I didn't want children either in my twenties. I didn't have one until I was 46. My 7 year old boy is now the joy of my life. I would have had more if we could have. We were only blessed with one.

It is not about what society expects of us. I don't care about that and never did. It is about your own joy.

You might make the headlines now and you might feel justified in your decision but you will never know if it was the right thing to do because you will never experience the selfless love for a child unless you adopt, and if you did that you will will surely regret this decision. I thought I knew what love was before, but I didn't. My love for my son is as close to unconditional love as is humanly possible.

Caring for a child, truly putting someone else ahead of yourself, is an experience that can not be theorized or hypothesized. It must be experienced to be appreciated.

I feel sorry for you. You have destroyed your chance, but it is not to late. Run, don't walk, back to that butcher that did this and ask him to give back what he has taken from you. Do it before it is to late.

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Gail Brown, Dallas, TX — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:36:40 GMT

Most people I know who don't want children knew it from the time they were young and aren't going to change their minds. If you don't do something permanent, everyone assumes you will change your mind, even when you know you won't, and many men are trapped into parenthood who don't want children. Any woman who would decide to get pregnant against the wishes of a man who does not want kids isn't responsible enough to have children to begin with or she wouldn't have chosen a mate who doesn't want children when she does and she's immoral for manipulating the situation and bringing a kid into that situation. So I have not sympathy for that. I think that is a good enough reason for men to have a vasectomy early on.

I do agree with this man that people who clearly have some anger issues or whatever causing their feelings of resentment that make them not want to have kids might be better off spending the money on therapy, but I know that there are perfectly well balanced people who simply do not want children and prefer either a more exciting stimulating life following their goals and passions or who simply want a simpler, more stressfree life. Think of all the parents out there who you would say should NOT be parents. And even if there are unresolved issues, any shrink can tell you that there's no guarantee any amount of therapy is going to resolve them.

I, too, have heard that doctors are refusing women permanent birth control, acting as if it should be up to their spouse or playing God and telling them at what age it's okay. They should be reported to the medical board. I've met lots of people who didn't want and didn't have kids, and I've met zero who regretted the decision. On the other hand, I've met many parents who had some regrets.

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Ralph, Cleveland, Ohio — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:36:43 GMT

A much easier and cheaper method for preventing pregnancy is to not have sex. I'm 37 and have been using that method for 20 years, and I can tell you it's 100% effective, doesn't cost a dime, and they don't even have to cut you down there!

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JF, San Diego, CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:37:38 GMT

While I understand that Toby may not want children at the present, his views may change drastically in the future. It seems a bit silly to have a vasectomy rather than using condoms (which also help protect against sexually transmitted diseases, including HIV). Also, it seems rather short-sighted to make this type of decision while he is still single. I have a very dear friend who thought she never wanted to have kids until she fell in love with the right person. How sad it would be if she had made a decision before meeting her soon-to-be husband.

I think that people have every right to either have children or not. No one should judge your existence based upon that fact alone. However, you may change your mind as you get older or your circumstances change.

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Anthony Maldonado, Bakersfield, Ca. — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:37:42 GMT

I feel deeply saddened that so many people assume that one has to be selfish or emotionally disturbed to decide against having children. How selfish do you have to be to have children simply to take care of you when you are old as on writer asserted? How selfish would it be to bring a life into this world to make your life “more fulfilled” when you cannot (for whatever reason) raise that child with the love and attention that should be devoted to them. I think it is courageous to recognize that having children may not be for you. As far as the writers that say he should have waited for his partner to make that decision – if that person is willing to make you have children when you clearly do not want to, what kind of dream match is that? It is simply a way of protecting oneself from accidents (or coercion) in the future. This decision does not necessarily have anything to do with wanting to have unprotected sex, it may just be an added layer of protection (a backup since we all know that no contraception is foolproof).
I admit that I have not read much on this particular individual, this is more of a response to the mindless assertion that one cannot have a meaningful life without children. I am also 28 years old, and I also do not plan on ever having children. My Fiancee also feels that same way. I have not had a vasectomy yet, but it will be an option in the near future. For me, I have considered the options and have concluded that it would be selfish and irresponsible for me to have children. As far as being able to have a meaningful life, I feel that as an Emergency Physician I have ample opportunity to give back to society and do not need children to do so.

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Jessica, Topeka, KS — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:39:02 GMT

I think it's great that he made that choice. I frown on people who try and push having children on someone who doesn't see it in they're future. I am 25 and don't want to have kids and get tired of hearing people say, "Oh, you'll change your mind." It's nice to hear that there are some people out there who believe in making the right decisions for themselves and not others!

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Carley, Houston, TX — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:39:25 GMT

The only problem I see is WAAAYYY too much planning. What happened to life having surprises? Yes, you may still have those small little crappy surprises, but what about your wife waking up every morning at six praying to the porcelain godess and then two weeks later expecting a child.. Thats a real, genuine surprise. Life would just suck if you already knew everything that was going to happen especially in this case where he made his own plan. Please. My life has been just fine so far with the plan someone much greater than me has made.

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Annoyed, Amarillo TX — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:39:39 GMT

I am all for Toby's decision. Good for him. BUT what really ticks me off is that doctors are so willing to just allow men with no children to do this, but will not allow women. I am 28 and have no kids. In the last 4 years I have visited no fewer than a dozen doctors in 3 different states - All of whom refuse to do tie my tubes because I have never had children of my own. Why the double standard?

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eric h, Phoenix, Az — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:40:01 GMT

I think he made a well thought out decision. I had a vasectomy when I was 24 years old (I'm 35 now), and had no children. If I had the benefit of wisdom that comes with age, I would had likely waited to have it done. Even though, I am still happy that I made teh decision to do it. My parents have 14 grandchildren already, so no pressure there. Also, if at asome point I deceided that I did want children, I could adopt. There are many children that would thrive in a good home.

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Pam, Key Largo Fl. — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:40:14 GMT

To bad for you Ed ! Lesson learned the hard way !

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PG, WA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:41:16 GMT

As a 24 year old woman, two years married to a man who has had a vasectomy (a decision we made together), I see no reason to question Toby's decision so stringently. There are people who simply are not called to have children. In my case, I never even played with dolls as a girl and have never wanted children of my own.

For those who worry that a person who makes this decision young may change their mind, consider that there are literally millions of children out there who desperately need a home. If someone without the ability to have children decides they want them, they do more good in the world by adopting than producing their own.

One last thought. If you denigrate people like Toby because they choose not to have children, as though they have less sense or worth than others, where does that leave people who are naturally unable to have children?

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Mr. Obvious, Flagstaff, AZ — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:41:17 GMT

Wow..after reading all these comments it is amazing to see the range of opinions. From those that think thios decision is "selfish" to those that totally support the man who made his own mind up.
If it is so important to those that think he is selfish perhaps you should go out and accept all the unwanted children into your home.
There are plenty of woman who do not want children but I guess it is not godly, not respective of your parents etc, etc, etc. To have a child so you can have them care for you is just so narrow minded...and selfish. Once they realise what there intended purpose is they will stay away from your selfish ass anyway.

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Nola, Cody, Wyoming — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:41:30 GMT

When I became a mother 13 years ago I made a remarkable discovery--"fun" and "joy" are not always the same thing. I'm sure Toby's 'plans' for the next 15-20 years will include lots of "fun". I am so sorry for the tremendous "joy" he will miss out on in this life, because 4 kids later I am confident that nothing will ever bring "joy" like loving and serving your own children (whether natural or adopted) can. And the saddest part--he will not experience the "fun" and "joy" of grandparenting in his older age. Any thoughts re: life after age 48, Toby? May you and all your childless peers have "fun" with your fancy toys and memories while I'm enjoying my grandkids (along with my fancy toys and memories)!

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Jason, Denver, Colorado — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:42:01 GMT

I think it is very selfish to reproduce offspring so you can have someone to take care of you in your old age when the body fails. It tells me that the persons social skills are extremely lacking and they are unwilling or are unable to make friends as they age. There are a great many achievements out there in the world just waiting for someone to conquer, places to go and see, and it becomes much more difficult to afford with children in the picture not to mention the time required to properly raise the kids. I for one do not want to END my dreams because I'm stuck at home for the next 20 years changing diapers, making school lunches, and going to bed early....yuck. I choose FREEDOM and when you have kids you most certainly are not free....

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Scott B., Santa Barbara, CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:42:24 GMT

I see a lot of comments claiming that Mr. Byrum will likely regret his decision, that he may choose later in life that he would like to have children. But consider the opposite, he could have chosen now to have children and then decided in 4 years that he no longer wanted them. Which is a more responsible way to behave? Choosing a vasectomy is no more permanent a decision than choosing to be a parent.

I think this man has made a very brave decision. He's sounds to me to be prepared to deal with the consequences of making this decision at a young age, and I think he's doing himself and everyone else a service by making sure that an unwanted pregnancy never occurs in any of his future relationships.

His decision isn't selfish either, he claims to be very upfront with the women he dates. If a woman decides that his vasectomy is a deal-breaker, they'll both move on with no hard feelings.

Kudos, Mr. Byrum.

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Skip Church Denver CO — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:42:52 GMT

I hope the trend catches on with other young adults! We need to get our population under control!!! I still see alot of multiple births in the uneducated minority populations!!!

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Thomas Foulkes — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:43:25 GMT

I don't quite understand the reasoning that NOT having kids is selfish? It seems to me that deciding that your DNA is better than others and then forcing people like Toby to help pay for your child (he pays more taxes but gets less benefit), while your child uses up the worlds resources, just so you aren't lonely when you retire? It seems like having a child is just slightly more selfish.

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Carol — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:43:30 GMT

I think its a great idea, not everyone is fit to parent a child, I myself decided not to have kids I don't think I can give 100% 7 days week 24 hours / day to care for a child. I don't want to resent my child, its not fair. I have a friend who decided the same thing I thought he was crazy but you know its a personal decision There are women who does not want children of their own but does not mean we are freaks, we just know ourselves and what we want.

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Jason H., Phoenix AZ — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:43:33 GMT

I had it done when I was 22 and have never looked back. I am 30 now and if by some chance I do decide that I want a child I will adopt. There are enough people in this world...

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Cory, Sacramento, CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:44:00 GMT

I think Toby's decision is commendable. Too many people are pro-creating who absolutely shouldn't be. Who cares what his reasons are for not wanting kids, he doesn't want them. He shouldn't be pressured into having them because someone else thinks he should. With a 50% divorce rate, why bring more screwed up kids into that mess?!

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Danielle, Florida — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:44:18 GMT

My husband was convinced he didn't want children and had a vasectomy at 25. As fate would have it, he had already conceived a child 2 wks before(not with me). Now he loves being a dad and we just shelled out thousands of dollars to have a child together. I imagine I will be a totally different person at 38 than I was at 28 so I would hate to be stuck with a decision I made back then.

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Bob Foote Richmond Va. — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:45:11 GMT

Sure wish I would have thought of that !!
Two teenagers are KILLING me !!

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Natalia Shawgo, Madison, WI — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:45:57 GMT

People who are say BRAVO and applauding him are really sad examples of what our culture has become. Where would we be if everyone thought like this moron????

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Michelle — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:46:50 GMT

I think it's a very personal choice, but not a narcissistic one. There are many ways of giving to the world, and for some people, it's better/easier to do that without children. I am 37 and had a tubal last year--I have no children. I knew from the age of 9 that I did not want children and have never wavered. I don't regret my choice. It will give me more resources to do the volunteer work/career work I want to do. Not everyone should become a parent. Toby knows himself very well; that's a good thing.

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Justin Smith, Fargo, ND — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:47:27 GMT

I had a vasectomy as a childless, unmarried 21 year old. I am now 33 and still consider it a great decision. What really shocked me is how many people tried to judge me by placing their personal values onto my decision. Just look at what people have said to Mr. Byrum. I've heard it all. If you don't want a vasectomy, then don't get one.

I chose to have a vasectomy because I don't want the responsibility of raising children. I completely understood the awesome responsibility of raising another human being. It was more than I wanted to take on. If I can't be fully committed to a responsibility that huge, then I shouldn't enter into it at all. Having a vasectomy was a very responsible decision. It is one that a lot more people should make.

Children are not toys or dolls. They are human beings that the parents are totally responsible for raising. Yet many have them without putting any thought into their decision. So many people think having children is mandatory, or they have children because they want to see what they will look like or they want to name them cute names. These are the people that also should have been sterilized.

For the people that truly want kids for the right reasons, that want to raise them properly, and who will put everything they have into being the best parent they can be, I give you my greatest respects. It's a very difficult job and I commend anyone who does it well.

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Dave, Hartford, CT — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:47:28 GMT

To those who feel that Toby was just WRONG: It isn't your decision. To those who feel that Toby is NARCISSISTIC: It isn't your decision. To those who mourn the end of "The family line": WHO is narcissistic? AND it isn't your decision. To the one who asks about social obligation (generativity): I think he did a good job. No kid...no obligation for ANYONE. And it isn't your decision. To those who feel that EVERYONE is obligated to procreate: It isn't your decision A-N-D I think it is time for YOU to pick up the tab for all of the UNWANTED (but necessary by your standards) children and give me my money back.

Toby: Ignore them. They have no business sticking their noses in your life.

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SAMANTHA MILLER MITCHELL,IN — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:47:29 GMT

I am married to a man who had a vasectomy in his 20's and regrets its it now.He has kids from a another marriage but we want a baby together.He is 36 and I am 25we have been married for 6 years,and we can afford to have a baby,but it is costly to have a baby with medical help.We could adopt which is also costly,but I would like to carry our baby myself.There is nothing keeping me from this,but he had a vasectomy.I love my husband and would NEVER leave him because of this.

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Bruce Bradley — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:47:34 GMT

If I were straight male, I would have had the procedure done. There is more to life than just breading children and gettng married. Those choices are right for some people, but not for everyone. In today's world there are a still a lot of women out there who want to trap a husband by getting knocked up! Guys have to protect themselves from these kind of preditors ! There are guys out there who are paying for children that are not even theirs because some women conned them into thinking it was their child. Toby did what was right for him and I agree with what he did !!

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Lynn, Las Vegas, NV — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:47:38 GMT

Good for him and Thank God for a few smart people in this world! I tried to have my tubes tied at 33 and was denied by two selfish doctors who think they know me better than I know myself? I have never wanted kids and feel very strongly about this issue. So, during my process of finding a doctor to say OK and perform the operation I got pregnant! I knew what I had to do next and had an abortion. No regrets, but I still feel very ignorant for not protecting myself after 17 years of being safe. I then found out I had HPV and decided to just get a Hysterectomy at 34. I will always feel good about my decision not to have children. When I'm ready to be a mother and a parent, I want to adopt a child that needs a good home with lots of love. There are so many orphaned children out there, I wish every loving human being felt that way and would adopt. To me that is unselfish! This world is way to over-populated for people to keep having their own (just so they look like them). That's SELFISH!!! :)

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Someone in Oregon — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:48:14 GMT

Way to go Toby!! My husband had a vasectomy when he was 25, because his ex wife did not want children.

I had a hysterectomy as I did not want children due to the fact that I raised my younger sister & brother.

My husband & I do not feel like we are missing out on anything! We are very happy being childless! We can do what we want when we want!

My brother & his wife have no children either and they are quite happy with their lives. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent or in my case, having a bi-polar mother was sheer hell and I had made up my mind at a very young age, not to ever have children.
If that makes me selfish, so be it.

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TEXAS — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:48:17 GMT

Congratulations! Do what you belive in and not to please society. That is what makes us who we are. As far as those who throw the stone saying you will live a lonely life being without children, they live in a world of dreams. I work in the medical field and I work in realm with the death and dying. I have cared for hundreds of wonderful people who have left this world, many who have raised their children to the highest standards and the children never darken the door as death takes them away. I have seen little old men and women, never married without children with endless friends young and old at their bedside until the end.
Having children may bring you joy while they are young (perhaps) but their is not a promise in that...

I suggest live your life be happy with who you are, all of you. Love your children like today is the last day with them, call your parents & grandparents just to say Hello. If you decide not to have children, so be it, that does'nt mean your alone, that just means you chose to love someone else. If it means loving yourself, is that really so bad?

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Clara — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:48:35 GMT

As a person unsure on having children in the future, I do think that his decision is a little bit rash. But I have a bigger problem with people calling childfree people selfish, and then offering up selfish reasons for having them. Having someone to care for you in you're old age is not a good reason to have children, and seems more selfish than not having them. Having someone to take care of you might be nice when you are old, but why does it have to be your children. If you choose not to have them who is to say that you won't have a group of fantastic childfree friends who would like nothing better than to live it up in the senior center. There is no thing like a families love, but families don't always have to be blood.

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B.E. SEattle, WA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:49:33 GMT

There are many things we do in life that we come to either regret or not... To the women, how many men have you dated that didn't want kids and you look back and say thank god they didn't! Well, it is what it is... His choice his life... his problem, his cost... Whatever, it's no big deal and frankly a waste of airtime and my time to write... Let's get people aware of other things more crucial... AMEN

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Sabs, Vermont — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:50:14 GMT

I must say that i admire the choice this man made... if only there were more guys like him where i live... i myself NEVER want children and wish i could have such a simple procedure to make that definitly possible. I too am on the depo shot and have been for years. It works great but the weight gain sucks. well this isnt sposta be about me...so GO YOU!!

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Ms. Winchester, San Leandro, CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:50:18 GMT

I had my tubes tied when I was 24. I realize I am a rarity, and it infuriates me that other women have to jump through hoops or are flat-out denied this operation until they are too old for it to make a difference or unless they already have children. I have no children and I never will, and I'm very happy about that. It's been six years since I had my tubal, and not for one second have I ever regretted it. I LOVE my tubal.

It amazes me the arguments that come up again and again from people who have no business telling someone else what kinds of decisions they can make. "What about your legacy?" is a classic, followed closely by "How selfish!" It's funny to put these together, as they are contradictory. I rather think it's more selfish to have children and not put long and serious thought into the endeavour.

I must admit, though, that "spiritually bankrupt" is a new one. Liane Boxford, if you're really a therapist, I feel sorry for your patients. You have a very narrow perspective.

Also, regarding the notion of a having a purpose in life or giving back to the world: Everyone makes their own purpose, and there's more to life than just having children. You can contribute great things to the world without reproducing. There's PLENTY of stuff to do.

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Eric, Colorado Springs CO — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:50:41 GMT

Toby, I applaud your decision and agree with your reasoning. I had my vasectomy also at 28 and since have enjoyed life to the fullest with no regrets. My wife also appreciates that she does not have poison herself with birth control. I too am the only son and my decision received full support from my father.

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Jennifer, Oshkosh, WI — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:50:50 GMT

I don't understand why people are getting so riled up about it - if people don't want kids, they shouldn't have kids - period. I wish MORE people who didn't want kids did not have them instead of having them and being horrible parents. A person does not need children to make them valuable or to make their lives have worth - some people never marry and never have children and they are productive, giving members of society. I am married with a son, who I can't imagine life without. My sister is married but does not have kids and does not plan on having children. That is her choice and her right and she is no less of a person because of her decision.

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Jeff, Cincinnati, OH — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:51:14 GMT

Let's just cut to the quick, men--there's no good reason to have a child now, is there? They're expensive, time consuming, and rob us of our "me time", not to mention time with our spouse. Much better to focus on that new career, building your fortune, working out, etc. I am a father of 5 children...ages 2 mos thru 21 years, and I take my share of abuse over being a "Catholic who doesn't know when to quit". It hasn't always been a picnic, but from my perspective, many of us (though not all) ARE called to be parents and refuse to accept that calling. Especially men, I'm ashamed to say. And it CAN be an amazing, awesome calling! It is the FAMILY that anchors society, but all the wealthy populations have found "better things to do" than be tied down with responsibility. Overpopulation my foot--we're talking 0% or negative population growth in many developed nations, and a lot of older folks with no one to care for them. The joy I receive from my wife and children cannot be put into words, and I firmly believe that this is what I was meant to do with my life. I once heard a speaker say: "People are meant to be loved, and things are meant to be used..not the other way around". How true!

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Javier Ortiz, Indian Trail, NC — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:52:01 GMT

You mentioned that having a child to carry the family name is a selfish act. In the process of not committin a selfish act, you have committed a greater act of selfishness. I wish you well.

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DJ, Phoenix, AZ — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:52:27 GMT

I think it is awesome that people do not frown on this guy. The world has become over populated and has transitioned into a time where we do not NEED to have children. I applaud anyone who realizes that you only have one life to live and you should make sure you are ABSOLUTELY happy. This guy knew that he would not be 100% happy with a family so he chose to do the right thing. I applaud him for that.

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Jane, Seattle — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:53:35 GMT

I very much approve--my husband got a vasectomy shortly after we got married and it was his choice. He knew I didn't want children right up front, and so he made the choice to have a vasectomy to spare me from going through a tubal. We've never regretted our choice. I love my life, he loves his life, and we think there are already too many people on this planet. There are thousands of children who need good homes. If someone truly wants to be a parent, why not take a child without parents into your heart? Parenting only out of the desire to pass on your personal genes is simply selfish in this day and age. Almost anybody can breed...it takes a special person to truly parent.

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Brandon, Dallas, TX — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:53:50 GMT

"Having your own children is the greatest feeling in the world. You have no idea what you've given up. In my opinion, you just erased some of the most wonderful future joys of your life."

He will never know the feeling of having his own child so he has given up nothing, he never had the feeling to begin with.
Second, he has thus far and will continue to spend zero time raising a child so he hasnt erased any joys of raising a child, he never and will never put the time on. Congrats to Toby for making this decision. I feel the same way and if any women in the Dallas area would like to chat about this or any other topic email me at tx_brandon@yahoo.com

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Jared , Phoenix Az. — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:54:25 GMT

I say right on ! I had a vasectomy at the age of 26 . It was the best decision I have ever made . Why would I want to risk having a child that I don't want . Not to mention the financial responsibility . Good job ! More people that don't like or want children should step up to the plate and make sure they don't have kids .

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Rob, Milwaukee, WI — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:55:13 GMT

I had my vas when I was 35. I don't have kids and never wanted them. I made my intentions clear with anyone I dated more than once. Some people just aren't wired to deal with kids. I think you do them and yourself a disservice by following the crowd and having a child when you really don't want one - just because everyone else is doing it.
I've never questioned my decision and I'm 43 now.

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Kel, Seattle, WA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:55:23 GMT

Kudos to Toby for knowing himself enough to know what's for him and what's not - we'd have a lot better parents in this world if all of them put the same amount of thought into the decision to have children as Toby did into the decision to not have them. Having children gives you no more meaning in your life than not having them - it just means you get to leave a guaranteed piece of yourself behind. And there's plenty of other ways to leave a legacy (like through your actions).

I worry about people that think that the only path to fulfillment is having children, as if their role as parent is the only thing that defines them and they have no self left. I see people all the time who don't have the money or stability to have a child, and then have one anyway even though they are not capable of taking care of it. Bring a child that you can't possibly take of into the world? I'm sorry, but that sounds far more selfish to me than deciding to not have children.

When you're old, who will come visit you? Go visit a retirement home full of people who had children. Many are alone; their children are too busy with children of their own to come visit.

Thanks for the article; a good read and a good way to raise awareness out there that not everyone has to follow the "life script" and does in fact have free will to make their own choices and forge their own path.

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Rochelle, Huntsville Alabama — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:56:12 GMT

Wow! I wish the same option was open for women. I am 30 years old and have known since I was 16 years old that I did not want to give birth. Unfortunately most women don't have this option.

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G. Mattia — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:56:14 GMT

I actually had my vasectomy at 20 years of age. Am now 42 and have had no regrets. It is very comforting to be in charge of one's own birth control.

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Barb, Wildwood, MO — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:58:19 GMT

Well stated, Holly Hope.
I am almost 43 years old. Married and childless by choice. And I am so tired of hearing comments about "carrying on the family name", and "who will care for you when you are older"?..How selfish is that??? You should never have children just to carry on the name, or just to secure your well-being!
I am at the point where it may be too late to even safely have children. But I do know something: there are tons of children worldwide that would love to have a loving home, should we decide to do so.

Becoming a parent should be a choice, not an obligation, not a debt to society.

And one further comment: please don't ever put down parents who don't have kids. For all you know, they may desperately want to have them, and your comments make them feel like failures.

For now, my attention and love goes to my husband, our family, and lots of nieces and nephews. And pets.

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Happily Child-Free, Los Angeles Ca — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:58:29 GMT

People who think the decision to not have kids, or find it to be a "selfish" or "narcissistic" are so myopic. My husband and I have a loving and meaningful relationship, and we had both decided before we met that neither of us wanted children. I for one do not have a maternal bone in my body. There was a time when I considered having children, which would have been selfish and stupid, as prior to examining the situation, all of the reasons I had for considering it were the wrong ones. Not one of them had to do with actually liking children, and I was finally able to admit to myself that I do not enjoy being around them at all.
I think procreation prior to serious reflection is truly one of the most ignorant and selfish things a person can do. Look at our world; we live in a country that would rather spend money on war than on education and health care; the creature that is commonly referred to as a president just vetoed healthcare for children today. Love that fetus, hate that kid. We are allowing our planet to be destroyed through over-consumption, as we are allowing our freedoms and civil liberties to be destroyed through fear and ignorance. I do not care to co-sign this with my DNA; I would not wish to bring a child onto a dying planet in a country on the brink of totalitarianism. The need to create a little duplicate of yourself is supreme selfishness in light of it all. A huge number of people do a rotten job at parenting - look at the news, look at the evidence around you. Those of us who are self-examined and conscious enough to know we are not cut out for it are making a conscious decision to not make a bad situation worse. Look at the news tonight - chances are you will see evidence of people who should have under no circumstances had kids, and someone probably encouraged them anyway, said "oh, you'll do fine." I've heard that one too many times, most often from people who have done an abysmal job of it themselves! Not everybody does fine - some of us are smart enough to know not everybody is meant to have kids, so please spare us the sanctimonious pro-procreation proselytizing and hand-wringing over what you assume to be our “spiritual bankruptcy.”

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Brian, Sequim, Wa — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:58:33 GMT

its toby's body he can do what ever he wants with it. More power to him. I dont want kids, so then I am selfish? Ranks right up there with the , so you dont create art you must be a creatin arguement. If you want kids then do, but I certainly dont want your values telling me that I NEED to have kids.

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Erica, NY — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 22:58:45 GMT

It is not selfish for a man to get fixed.

If you don't want to be a mailman, should you do it anyway, because everyone else does? No, that's stupid.

I know I don't want kids, I like kids, I'd probably even make a great Mom, but I don't have that urge to have children. I would get fixed, but alas, it is more dangerous for women, not to mention harder to convince a doctor to do, so when we're a little older, my man will have it done.

And how the heck is having children your way of giving back to the world?? um, lets see, if I don't have kids, I have more time and money for charities, and 3rd world countries.

I would rather live my life, and give back to the world my own way. Then have children because I should, and be unhappy, and resentful the rest of my life..but we're missing the real point here..

It's your life, to each your own.

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George, Minneapolis, MN — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:00:32 GMT

Some seem to think that not having a child is a selfish act, yet, biologically speaking, having a child is just about the most selfish thing you can do. Also, having a kid makes many people more selfish, if one considers that it just gets extended to their kids. Courtesy, fairplay, and concern for others (outside the family) are often the first things to go with a righteous parent convinced of the greater good of doing something to benefit their child.

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Judith, Phoenix, AZ — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:00:41 GMT

I am 64 years old and don't want to lecture or go into the religious side of this. Just a few comments from someone who's lived and observed. I have an aunt and uncle who chose to remain childless and have no regrets. I know two career-oriented couples who changed their minds and adopted children at the age of 50. I know couples who chose not to be parents and don't talk about it but it seems like they regret it. I have a great life working and traveling etc., but no facet of it compares to life with my children and grandchildren. I would give up everything else for them in a heartbeat. You never know how much children mean to you until you have them. Then again, some people abuse them. Some folks choose pets as "children." I'd rather change a diaper in the nursery than scoop poop in the rain. I agree with the writer who said family is the core of our very being. This becomes more evident with age. Not all children take care of their aging parents. There are no guarantees. There are no words to describe how love works and feels in a close and loving family and how it feels to see your tiny babies grow into wonderful adults with children of their own. Hopefully those who take another route will find something meaningful as well.

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dave gallegos placerville CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:01:16 GMT

way to go!! i had my vasectomy at 24. smartest thing i ever did. no regrets.

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Meg — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:01:42 GMT

Toby, I applaud your decision. I wish we could have all boys go through it and have it reverse later in life instead of all of these unwanted children running around. I think it is real sad that people who are married with children think it is the only way to live and the only way to be happy. It's real sad that they don't have anymore ambitions in life than having a wife and kids, at least other people have other ambitions and know that is not the only way of life.

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Tomm Gu — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:02:03 GMT

for: Paul Ringgenberg Phoenix, AZ

Is it possible your sentence reads like this?

" can't imagine my life without my three wonderful adopted sons."

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KathyD, North Greenbush, NY — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:02:10 GMT

Good for him. I am a woman and knew in my early 20's I did NOT want to have kids. I am 37 now and have not changed my mind. I was lucky enough to find a man that had the same feeling as me.
There is nothing wrong with NOT WANTING KIDS. We are very happy with our lives. We do what we want when we want. It is a very satisfying lifestyle for us. And NO we are not selfish for not wanting kids. It is a choice and we are both happy with.
If I were single, that would be a deal breaker for me. I am glad that there are more people out there that think like I do.. It is possible to have a meaningful marriage and life without kids. As long as both of you agree...there is no issue.

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David McClellan — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:02:39 GMT

This "growing trend" can legitimately be attributed to the intentional and specific efforts of a certain group of fanatical people to use mass mind control methods to influence the decisions of people in developed countries to stop the increase of the human population. How do such things as this get into the national and world media? It isn't a news story worth of such attention except for the possible influence it can have on the thinking of other people. There is no way that the average reader can varify that it this kind of thing is "growing." Saying such things and publishing them in the mass media when they can't be varified is using propaganda to sway opinions and minds on a mass level. It's a sly and devious way to influence minds in favor of an agenda established by someone else to create a world according to their own personal views that they hold in common. Deception and control of the masses via public media and schools are just two major means used by proponents of the "new world order" to bring about the acceptence of their ultimate goals, and it is working very well.

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John — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:02:39 GMT

The same people I know who talk about their kids taking care of them when they are older are the same ones who gripe about taking care of their parents. In the end, most just get put in some home, waiting to die. Having children doesn't keep this from happening.

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Maggi S — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:04:41 GMT

There is still one procedure that will allow Toby to become a parent should he change his mind in the future. It's called adoption. He will be able to provide a loving home to a child who didn't have one and not contribute to the world's overpopulation problem.

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geovi martinez harlingen texas — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:05:06 GMT

there is nothing more important and more meaningful in this existence than procreation. it is the main reason we are here both "biblically" and biologically. Homeboy has some issues. he is a 28 year old selfish punk than knows not how to wipe his own a** much less make a life terminating decision like that. see me in 10 years pal and see if you still sing the same song. besides from the looks of him, it's doesn't seem like he has much need for birth control. get a life, pansy!!!!

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Katie Sloan, Reno, NV — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:05:57 GMT

I find it quite amusing that many people are accusing this young man of being selfish. Only to go on and say that children will take care of you when you are old, broke and have no friends. Isn't it selfish to plan that your children will be able, or even willing, to take on such burdens as their parent's finance, healthcare and social issues? That seems incredibly selfish.

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James, Indianapolis IN — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:06:09 GMT

Ironic that the people calling Toby "narcissistic" are the same people, who instead of adopting or fostering the many, many unwanted children out there, must have kids that share THEIR genes. Talk about narcissistic...

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April N., Tacoma, WA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:06:25 GMT

I knew from a very early age, that I didn't want any children, and at the age of 29 I had my tubes tied with no regrets. Sure I've been told that Im selfish and also asked "who is going to take care of me when I get old" and my response has always been "just because you have children that does not mean that they are going to take care of you". I have taken care of plenty of elderly people who had children but you never would have known it. I think the people that have children for that reason are selfish.Even if he changes his mind down the road he can adopt, since there are so many children out there from abusive home situations that need good loving and a stable home life. Toby, I applaud your decision, and hope that others that feel the way you do have the courage to stand up for themselves to a society that has beaten into our heads that you must have children. Take a look around at most people that do have them and you will see that the majority should have never breed in the first place.

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ray ray ,utah — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:06:38 GMT

i think it makes sense most women take men for all they can get, it's a power thing to take the mans rites away and all the money they can get.most courts side with the women and victomize the men and most women are wright and all men are wrong.

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Jose Guadalupe Martinez (Brownsville,Texas) — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:06:38 GMT

The world is full of people who think like Sam from Dallas who writed earlier today. Peple always say "whos gonna take care of you when ur old?" If you want to talk about selfishness, look at what ur doing. I think its sad that people want to have kids for all the wrong reasons. I think its selfish to have a kid, grow him, feed him, and take care of him. Its like if ur investing on ur future. Like growing a turkey just to eat it on Thanksgiving. Peple have kids just to make sure that someone is going to be there with them at the end years of their life. Well, first of all, theres no way you can guarantee that ur kid is going to be a nice person willing to take care of you. How do you know ur kid is not going to grow to be a bad person? You may have 10 kids and still end up in the nursing home all alone. Second, if people like Sam say they love their kids and all, then why on Earth would they want to put their kids through the pain of taking care of them when theyre dying. What if you get Aids or cancer or whatever. Whos going to take care of you? Your kids? is that what you want for the kids you say you love? your loving family has to put up with you just because they have to? I dont know, call me crazy, but thats what i think. When im old and sick, i dont want anybody to see me suffer. Specially the persons i love. The bottom line is, i think everybody should be able to take their own decisions and be respected for that.

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Karli, OK — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:06:48 GMT

I am a 26 year old woman who has been married for 4 years. My husband and I both do not want children and I would just like to say that we are NOT selfish, stupid or immature people for making that choice. I'm tired of people judging us for our decisions while we respect the lives of those who choose to have kids. We dearly love our nieces and nephews; however, we do not feel that we would make good parents, which is something quite a few parents never consider prior to having children. It is far better for a person to eliminate the possibility of having a child than to have one and realize that they really didn't want to be a parent after all.

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Guest, Salem, WA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:07:34 GMT

Quick questions: Why do people automatically label someone as selfish when they don't want to have kids? Because you aren't sacrificing for someone else? You're not giving back to the community?

HAS ANYONE EVER HEARD OF CHARITY OR VOLUNTEERING?
THE PEACE CORPS? RED CROSS? UNITED WAY? HABITAT
FOR HUMANITY?

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Ricci, San Diego, CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:08:55 GMT

Just so that you know, here are truths about "flip floppers" (people who claim when they were younger they too didnt want children, but changed their minds later). Flip Floppers are guys and girls who didnt want children in ALL honesty, and then someone gets PREGNANT and they are too "afraid" to have an abortion. Suddenly, its a wonderful thing to have children.
I applaud this dude. I too do not want any children, Im 40 and wonderfully sterile.

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Jon Northwood, Portland OR — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:08:58 GMT

I knew at a very early age I never wanted children, but the physicians kept refusing, because "I was too young to know my mind" and "I might meet someone who wants children later on." While I'm glad Toby Byrum had no difficulty, I'm a bit miffed that I had to fight for eight years to get mine done, and only managed to do it when I hit 27.

I've never regretted having it done, only that it took so long to get the procedure completed.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Neil — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:09:02 GMT

I myself had a vasectomy at 38 because I could not get one at 28. I have never wanted children and my wife knew this going into our marriage. I did not do it for any other reason than that I simply don't want children. Contrary to the bleating I hear, it is not a selfish decision. If it is, who am I denying?

Vasectomy Before Children?

mer Tulsa OK — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:09:02 GMT

who will care for toby in his old age? Who will make sure the nursing home is treating him right? Is he gonna pull a Hugh heffner or a Nicholas Cage or Woody Allen move. Better marry a pre-teen when he is like 50.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Tiffany Clayton, Payette, ID — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:09:05 GMT

It seems that the many nuances of this debate have been thoroughly vetted, but I want to add my voice to those who believe that it is selfishness that makes a person not well-suited to parenthood. Parenthood is hard for every person, whether they have always wanted to have children, or never wanted children at all. There is no single challenge in mortality that will cause more positive change, more growth, more creative expression, more joy, or more heartache, than having children. And to opt out of this fertile and essential training ground is to shortcut the purpose of our life here, to submit to hedonistic narcissism, and to permanently, irrevocably limit the individual's spiritual, emotional, and intellectual growth. What a waste.
And, to those many who applaud the choice not to have children, citing instances of child abuse and neglect, I wonder if you would rather that you had never been born rather than that you should have suffered abuse or neglect at your parent's hands? I grew up in an abusive situation, but I am certainly glad for the opportunity to be alive, to make choices, to overcome my childhood. I choose a lifetime of overcoming, over no life at all.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Bill Swisher, Archbold, Ohio — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:09:19 GMT

What Mr. Byrum did at the age of 28 I waited to do until the age of 32. I have not regretted this decision one single day and, yes, there are some very lovely, "normal" women out there who feel that having children is not a priority and/or a necessity to be happy ( and I married one of them ). What about not having your children around when you're old ? Don't count on it.

I think this myth about "Children around during your old age" would make a fantastic future topic for the Today show. Think your children are going to visit you when you're in the nursing home ? Think again. After some experience with that area, I would say that most of you will be lucky if a family memeber even remembers you're there until it's time to call the funeral home.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Leigh, Palm Springs — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:09:30 GMT

Joan,
Great for you and your brothers and sisters. I'm sure you were the pride of joy of your mother. My parents loved me and I them. I took care of them when they grew old and tended to them as they did me when needed.
With all that said, I agree whole heartedly with Ann Lander's little diddy. My husband and I are childless by choice and are happy, healthy and enjoy a lifestyle unimagineable if we had kids. I agree most with Rhonda from Redondo Beach. There was no disclaimer on my birth certificate that said just because my parents gave me life, I had to give another soul life. I took care of those that cared for me. And I'm pretty sure I'll find a way to live next door to Rhonda in Tahiti when I retire at the age of 45.

Vasectomy Before Children?

John Kruger — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:09:40 GMT

Why do so many people on here claim that Toby's being selfish?

I don't regret being born, but my mother and father had 5 kids together and they had no business doing so. Growing up we were on welfare because they couldn't stand the stress of raising kids. Instead of buying us juice and food, they would buy cigarettes and beer. When I made the 8th grade basketball team, I literally had to quit because my feet had outgrown my shoes, and my toes were poking out of the front of them. We were dirt poor. In fact, I didn't start going to public school until I was in 5th grade because I didn't have transportation to school and supplies/clothes/etc. were too expensive.

My siblings and I should have never been conceived, we are the unwanted children that suffer as a result of selfish people (who have kids when they don't really want them).

I applaud Toby and wish more people around the world made the same intelligent decision.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Kathy, Tulsa, OK — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:09:42 GMT

I have been married to my wonderful husband for 6 years, and we are happily childfree. I am currently on the pill, but we are considering a vasectomy. I am in my early thirties, and so healthy conception isn't viable for much longer anyway. We figure if we ever change our minds, there are many children in this world in need of adoption.

I find it interesting that some have said that the decision to not have children is selfish, and wonder who will take care of them when they are old. Wouldn't having children in order to have companionship and support when you are older, be the very definition of selfishness? Yes, I worry that we may be lonely when we are older, but I don't think that's a good reason to have a child.

And you don't have to have childhood issues to make this decision. I had a happy childhood, and a wonderful relationship with both of my parents, and have had no traumitizing experiences. I just don't feel a maternal urge, and I don't feel that my life will be best spent raising children. I think the world would be a better place if children were only born to parents who had made reasoned decisions that they wanted children.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Jo Doe — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:10:19 GMT

Funny how ALL of my "childless by choice" friends have substituted dogs and cats to bestow their attentions and affections and revel in their accomplishments!!!

Pregnant out of wedlock - the timing sucked - but having raised my child to adulthood and knowing I "turned him out to society" as a moral and conscientous adult, and one who has been given unconditional love and knows how to bestow unconditional love makes me prouder than any other accomplishment in life. I'm not sorry you chose this path, only that you chose it so early in life, without the input of a partner. I hope you know unconditional love from someone.

PS - We do still have those double standards - I too was told I could not have a tubal ligation until my husband signed the authorization form.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Just — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:10:41 GMT

Just another example of man with stupidity and ignorance. What is he trying to prove? By removing his ability to reproduce would make “his next 15-20 years” of life more meaningful and enjoyable? Another selfish man who does not want to wear condom when having sex. Please be aware of Aids and STD, Toby, if you want to live for the next 15-20 years.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Claire, Rocklin, CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:11:38 GMT

I don't see anything wrong with Toby's decision. The fact that people are calling him selfish is ridiculous. Would you rather have another unwanted child brought into the world? The bottom line is that kids are not for everyone. I have never wanted kids either. I'm sure he thought his decision through quite a bit before he went through a permanent surgery and I think that's great that he knows so well what he wants.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Jeffrey Skull Tempe, AZ — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:11:56 GMT

I did the same thing. My mother still hates me for it to this day. My sister is pumping out plent of "young uns" though, so she'll get over it.

I chose to do so for the same reasons he did, but it mostly amounted to freedom. My wife is an artist and I'm a musician. Having a child would screw both our careers up because we have to travel alot. No thanks. Kudos to this guy for not succumbing to social stigmas.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Kathy, North Bend, WA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:12:12 GMT

I had a tubal ligation at 36. My husband and I were married at 25 and had decided that we didn't want children. Even if we had changed our minds (we didn't), we knew that adoption was always an option. Both of our mothers were surprised and, I think, a little hurt. They felt that somehow they had failed us. They didn't. I am now 53, still married to the same man, and I know we made the right choice. I think having children should be a decision, not a requirement. I'm not a very religious person, but I rather think God would look at it that way too.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Michael — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:12:33 GMT

Where do you find a doctor to do this. I have been triing to get this done since I was 20. I am now 29 and still every doctor says no.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Kat, Texas — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:12:35 GMT

To all the people that mention "what's going to happen when he's old?"....go to a nursing home. Any of them. Pick one at random. Then go in and ask the residents how many of them are visited by their wonderful, marvelous children. Once the depression subsides, ask yourself if it's worth taking care of children that won't take care of you when you're old. My mother has two daughters. She's a narcissist. I will not be visiting that horrible, abusive hag. Her husband (my step-father) is a saint! He's the *only* reason I still keep any kind of relationship with her. No. I will not be passing my defective dna (cancer, heart problems, and diabetes, on top of the obvious psychological problems)onto some poor kid. Selfish??? What kind of crack are you people smoking??? How is NOT creating a need to FILL a need, selfish??? I'm a 28 year old female and I've been sterilized (Essure). I went through several doctors, before I found someone willing. IF I get sucked into some parallel universe, where I decide I want kids, there's this thing called ADOPTION! You know, where the kids end up when their UNselfish parents go through with the unwanted pregnancy and the state takes them, because they end up abused and neglected.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Elizabeth Dawson Creek BC — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:12:50 GMT

Good for you. I'm so tired of people in society demanding that everyone have children.
I am not interested in having children either, and because I dont have or dont want kids, some consider me a second class citizen...
I get so annoyed with the shocked looks on people's faces when I tell them I dont want kids. Its MY choice.
And really does it make you special that you procreated?
Did this all of a sudden become hard?
I'm not bashing people who want or have kids, I like them, I just dont feel the need for my own.
But dont judge me on my choice and I wont judge you on yours.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Tomm G — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:12:53 GMT

Adoption versus biological procreation

...what would YOUR God expect you to you do first???

Think about this one hard before you answer please

Vasectomy Before Children?

Cat, UK — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:12:57 GMT

This is a great article. More than anything, I wish society would open up its eyes and attempt to understand that not all things mean the same to all people. Children may be a parent's greatest achievement, the greatest accomplishment they can conceive of. But not for everyone. Some of us have different goals in mind. For some of us, they're just not that much of a blessing.

And you know what would be really selfish? This man having children when he doesn't want them. Not having kids you don't want is selfless, not selfish. I'm 22, female, and I don't plan to have children. I'm proud of my choice and I applaud this guy for sticking by his decision. For some people, the decision not to have children is ultimate. You just know. I think he's made the right choice for himself.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Jane Doe, Seattle, WA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:13:00 GMT

My husband had vasectomy done when he was 25, and we didn’t bank any sperm. It’s both of our decision not to have kids.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Janine Searls, Glenwood Springs, Colorado — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:15:23 GMT

I think this is great! I'm 25 and happily married, I have always known that I don't want children and my husband feels the same way. I always hear "oh...you're too young to say that...you will change your mind." This infuriates me and my husband to no end (we have had to hear this comment for over 7 years now). People can be perfectly happy and live child free. This story is a nice testament to a change in society, where people are beginning to realize that it's ok to not have children. One more thing I would like to point out, is that there are MILLIONS of children that need homes...having a vasectomy/tubal ligation does not mean that you can never raise a child.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Anonymous, Bellevue, WA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:15:37 GMT

I can't get over how people like to pity those of us who have decided something different than they have. There is nothing wrong with those of us who have chosen not to have children. We are not selfish people. A lot of us didn't make this decision based off some traumatic childhood experience. The decision is just that a decision. We had a choice and we chose something different. Why is that cause for pity? Why does our choice make us selfish? Why is your choice better than my choice?

It's all a matter of preference. Some people are Christian others are Muslim, or Hindu, or Atheist. Why am I going to pity a Christian because I'm Jewish? Why am I going to pity an Atheist because I'm Christian? It doesn't make sense to me. If being Hindu or Christian works for someone else, then great. Good for them for finding a religion that suits them well.

Some people are black, others asian, or white, or Native American, or hispanic and still others are mixed. If I'm hispanic and choose to wed someone white, does that make me less of a hispanic? Does that mean something is wrong with me for not chosing someone of my own race? Is my choice better than those who chose to wed somone of their same race/ethnicity?

Likewise some people like and want to have lots of children, others choose to have only one, and still some don't want to have any at all. There's nothing wrong with choosing any of these options. Just because your opinion is that life without children is empty doesn't mean someone else believes the same. And it's no reason for you to pity or disdain them for chosing something different than what you did.

Why can't we accept that people have different preferences than we do and live their lives differently than we do? What suits someone else isn't going to necessairly suit me.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Ricci, San Diego California — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:16:24 GMT

For every poster on this board who calls this guy stupid or selfish because you THINK he did this to avoid wearing condoms. .HA, just go ahead and post the image of your buck teeth and pointy heads! LOL. Humans have a pretty nice run in the condom department of infamously still managing to have many many accidental babies. As a matter of fact, you could almost BLAME the condom for many babies as they seem to always find a way to "not be worn"...or "not work".. so this is BIG TIME for this guy and he will never be a flip flopper like the rest of you who jealously stand with your 30 year old dreams, looking at your watches to go and pick up your "but we did have a condom" kids.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Dana, St Paul Mn — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:17:07 GMT

I can't believe the comments by Liane Mann! I think it's the most UNSELFISH thing someone can do to not want to bring more children into an overcrowded, messed up, out of control world bent on self destruct. Virtually every major problem in the entire world is directly due to overpopulation. What good parent would want a child to go through what's coming? I think the most selfish thing I hear is "I WANT kids so I don't end up with no one to take care of me when I'm old". There is no "unselfish" reason to have kids. People don't say I need kids, they say I want 2 kids, I want 6 kids, I come from a large family so I want a large family. Then when the couple splits up we can all support their large family when child support doesn't cover the tab each month if there is child support. It's not like the world needs more people. I dream of a day when we can actually take "unselfish" care of the kids that are already here and need better parents. Now if we can just get the government to do more to reward people who choose not to be breeders. I have great respect for everyone who chooses not to procreate. It's not the easy or selfish road! I am looking to a life without children or grandchildren. I didn't choose that life in the beginning, but I accept it now and embrace it as a growing lifestyle. I hope many others like Toby take a good look at the world and decide that the greatest and most unselfish thing they can do for the future is to not bring more children into it until we fix the problems.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Anne, Utah — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:17:10 GMT

Good for Toby for the decision he made. Children are not necessarily a joy, a blessing, the greatest thing in the world. I've raised three. They were not fun, they were hard work. At 32 I had a hysterectamy. Best decision I ever made. It's better that couples take measure to not have children then have children just to make other people happy, carry on the family name, or do what society expects them to do.

Vasectomy Before Children?

KathyD North greenbush, ny — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:17:41 GMT

People who don't want kids are NOT selfish. People who have them and can't afford to pay for them ARE!!! People who rely on the state (ie taxpayers) to pay for their kids ARE!
Kids are not a blessing and a wonderful thing to everyone. That is fine if you love kids and want to have a gazillion.. BUT DO NOT CALL ME SELFISH for not wanting to have any. That is just plain ignorant. because I dont agree with you I am selfis?..at least I was honest and up front with my husband and he felt the same way.
I don't call you idiots for wanting kids, so don't call me selfish and that I am missing out because I don't... you chose your life, and I chose mine.. neither one of us is wrong.. it is what we chose and how we feel.

Vasectomy Before Children?

David, Houston — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:17:57 GMT

I applaud Toby. He is one less man some selfish woman can hold hostage because of children.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Kamsley, Washington D.C. — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:18:08 GMT

How curious that a 28 year old man could know for certain what he wanted. Men twice his age are still unsure of who they are. Perhaps he has misjudged himself. Besides, living in the moment is not always a good thing. Thoughts regarding the future should not be taken lightly.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Single, Happy & Child-free Lisa, Savage MN — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:18:09 GMT

What is it with all of you people who feel that the only way to "give back" to society is to birth out a bunch of kids? Or, worse, that the only way to have meaning in your life is to have children? Are you that insecure? It is not selfish to not have children. It IS selfish to have children so that a) you're not alone, b) you have someone to look after you in your old age and c) you can point to your progeny and say "Look what I have wrought!"

As a happy, single & child-free by choice woman, I grow tired of this "toe the company line" attitude that is constantly emitted by the "married with children" set. Being married and having children does not make you better than me - and if that's the only thing that matters to you, then it's not me with the empty life.

Vasectomy Before Children?

rick lawing — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:18:22 GMT

Way to go man! Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, but, if I had it to do over, I'd do the same thing witout any second thought. Glad to see that someone other than myself, has cajones grande enough to not be swayed by the "fem-nazis" of our society today.

Vasectomy Before Children?

T.L. Parsons, St. Paul, MN — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:19:05 GMT

My wife and I made the decision to not have children in our early 20s. Apparently he has thought this through by himself - not to bright and even selfish. I'm now 54 and a widowed. My wife and I decided early in life not to have children to focus on our educations and careers. Of course now I'm single and feel a tremendous burden of loneliness when visiting family and friends that have grown children and even young grandchildren. I must admit conversations at my age focus on their children's accomplishments, which leave me listening. I often wonder how different my life would have been with children. To this day I still tell friends and family that having no children was the right decision for me, but its an arrogant cover up of the real truth. I do have two PhD diplomas hanging on the wall (one earned by my wonderful deceased wife) and a large/full bank account. Unfortunately, my life and heart are incredibly empty. I pray this gentleman's life isn't similar to my situation when he reaches my stage of life. By the way, I've used an alias to protect my arrogant and self-centered decision from years ago. Perhaps it was the right decision, but living on an island of isolation is no way to live a life.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Tami Wahl, Las Vegas NV — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:19:12 GMT

Actually, he can have kids later and no need to reverse anything. The specialist will extract a single sperm and put it where it needs to go. He has done what all of my sons have done. Unwanted pregnancies, yet can opt down the road with a small, simple proceedure. Why has no one told him this?

Vasectomy Before Children?

Love my kids, sanger, ca — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:19:44 GMT

Just think if everyone did what Toby did. We all wouldn't be here. Life would have ended with Adam and Eve. How sad is that? I have 3 children of my own and I love them to pieces. God said to reproduce and populate the world. Toby I will pray that the Lord will change your heart.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Amy, Tampa, FL — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:20:25 GMT

I think this is a personal decision. Not all people should have children and it is not selfish to admit it. What is selfish is a person who has a child and didn’t want or plan for the child therefore the child is treated as so. I had my tubes tied at the age of 25. I do not like children nor do I care to ever have any of my own. While being in a long term relationship we can enjoy each other without preoccupation. I do not hide the fact that I do not care for children and I am very open from the beginning of a relationship that I do not plan to have any children nor am I able to any more. There are options for having it reversed but I take my decision seriously and proceeded with the surgery as a permanent adjustment, not something temporary. This is not a decision that should not be taken lightly just like have a child should not be taken lightly. Both take time and planning!

Vasectomy Before Children?

David Minsty, Seattle, WA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:21:23 GMT

I think this is awesome. Anyone claiming he's selfish apparently believes that one's own personal wishes shouldn't be honored. Further more, I noticed many arguments were along the lines of "my children love me blah blah blah". Isn't it a bit self indulging to have kids JUST to be loved? Friends can be family as well. If people don't want to have kids, they should never be ostracized for it.

Vasectomy Before Children?

M D , Tacoma Wash — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:21:53 GMT

Thank God this selfish prig got fixed. I would hate to see the damage his ego would have imprinted on a child. Now about him being good looking? He is balding at 30!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Shirlee Dercole Sturgis,MI — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:23:04 GMT

I have nothing against a man having a vasectomy to prevent unwanted children. What I don't understand is why they won't let women make the same decision. A woman has to be a certain age(usually 25) and already have children before a doctor will perform a tubal. If a woman wishes to remain childless they tell us to use the pill or a condom. Since none of these are 100% we risk the chance of failing. Why in this day and age are we still not allowed equal rights to our decision to have or not have children?

Vasectomy Before Children?

Jane Doe — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:23:36 GMT

I made this decision (well, ultimately, it was just the result of never wanting children) myself at 29. I had a tubal, am now 43, and have never felt like an "incomplete" woman without children. Like them, don't want them, am happily married to a man who is relieved not to have kids. We travel, have our weekends free, enjoy a Quiet home, and spend our money on enlightening projects and charity instead of "bratz dolls". And, as one wise man said, "SIX BILLION miracles is Enough!"

Vasectomy Before Children?

A K Dunavant, Manassas, VA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:23:49 GMT

Toby Byrum is an adult and didn't make this decision without thinking a long time about it. To say he will regret his decision later is to project your own feelings on him. He is being honest. There are many of us who don't want our own biological children. I knew from an early age that I didn't want biological children. Why? Because I knew there were many children without parents who needed homes. I have always thought is very selfish for people to have biological children when there are so many children already in this world that need parents. I don't understand why a biological child is preferable to an adopted one. I don't understand women have children with a man they don't want to spend their life with (and why they don't get married first). I don't understand why women have a child and don't know which man is the father. I don't understand why men father mutiple children with multiple women and don't support the women and children emotionally and financially.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Chris, Vallejo, CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:25:11 GMT

To all who think it is selfish NOT to want children. We read every day about children being abused, molested, neglected and killed. Why would you want someone who has no interest in reproducing to have children? The opportunity for abuse would only grow with resentment. I had a wonderful childhood, loving and attentive parents, 5 siblings whom I love and still have close relationships with, but I never wanted to have my own children. At a very young age I realized that if I couldn't be the type of parent that my parents were, I shouldn't have 'em. If I couldn't WILLINGLY sacrifice my time, attention, money, space, etc., why bring an innocent child into the world? A child can tell if they aren't wanted or if they're an imposition. A child DESERVES to be loved, not made to feel they are a barrier or in the way. Believe me there are alot of kids out there who are told on a daily basis what a problem they are or they are responsible for their parent(s) not being able to do whatever their latest whim is. No, making a decision as important as not having kids should not be taken lightly, but there are much worse decisions that can and are made daily. So, who is more selfish, the person who decides they wouldn't make a good parent, or the person who decides to have one just so the family name doesn't die out or so they won't be lonely in their old age? Unfortunatly the child born doesn't get a choice in the matter, so if its selfish to think of the life your child might have, then I'm very selfish.
I'm in my 50's have been married for over 15 years to my second husband, but when I was in my 20's I started asking Dr.s about a tubal ligation, all of them flat refused to discuss it with me. One actually told me "How can you know you won't change your mind later, come back when your 40 and I'll discuss it." I couldn't believe the arrogance of that statement, and it just means women still do not have all the choices that men take for granted. As for the gentleman who was able to make that choice, GOOD FOR YOU!!! I just wished more people saw that way.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Sara, Iowa — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:26:44 GMT

My husband had a vasectomy when we met and it was almost a deal-breaker. He had two children at a young age, had a vasectomy and then divorced a year later. He never regretted the decision because he always looked at it from the perspective that he could reverse the vasectomy if he ever met a woman that really wanted to have children with him and in the interim, he didn't need to worry about birth control. Well, I was that woman! We are currently five months pregnant after a very expensive vasectomy reversal. We feel very blessed that the reversal was successful and the money really wasn't an object because how can you really put a price on a child? You just can't. So, if this guy truly doesn't want to have children right now, I think it's okay what he did. With progressive, advanced medicine, if he ever did change his mind, he can have the vasectomy reversed. He still has options. He may say that the decision has to be "ultimate" but I disagree with that. He has options in his future if he ever does change his mind.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Becky S, Baltimore, MD — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:27:00 GMT

I wish people would understand that having children is not a "selfless" act. People chose to have children in part because they want to experience the joy that children provide. To some degree, all of us are selfish in the sense that most of the time we make decisions that we feel would be good for us and would bring us happiness. Very few decisions we make are truly selfless-even donating time and money to a charity is to some degree "selfish" because we typically feel good about ourselves for doing it. I think it's great that Mr. Byrum has decided to make a responsible choice. Wouldn't it be much more selfish for him to have children he didn't really want?

Vasectomy Before Children?

Kurt, Gervais, Oregon — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:27:42 GMT

Parenting is not for cowards. If you’re not up to it, don’t do it. There are plenty of other people in this world who are up to the task. We should stop assuming becoming a parent is a job for everyone. Way to go, Toby! Sounds like you made the right decision.

Vasectomy Before Children?

J. Guptill, New Brunswick — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:28:44 GMT

Are you kidding me!!! I am a single woman who tried convincing 3 doctors to tie my tubes and they all said NO WAY. This just goes to show that as a man you can choose to do whatever you want and as a woman we are still at the mercy of well.....men!!!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Fernando M. Alvarado Veiga, Guadalajara, Jalisco, Mexico — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:29:09 GMT

I had the vasectomy at 30, after the birth of my only daughter it was my decision because i wanted to give her the best education possible and also give my wife a relatively freedom to keep her studies. Now I am 66 years old, at my time I was sort of laboratory rat. Everthing was OK. My sexual life did not change. I had the most beautiful , inteligent and loving girl.No regrets.

Vasectomy Before Children?

SW Wagner, Garden City, Kansas 67846 — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:29:15 GMT

Some random thoughts.

Having children or being childless is a very personal decision if you have the oportunity to choose. Some people don't get to choose. Some would love to be parents and can't be for a variety of reason. Some people have become parents by having parenthood forced upon them...as when teens forget that sex makes babies. Most of us fall somewhere in between.

Some of us are not sure if we want to be parents but have them anyway...either to our delight or dismay. Some of us know that we want children and some of us know we don't. Some of us in either situation change our minds and some of us don't regret our decision. It's called being human.

I have been without children and now I have them so I know what each situation is like. There are things that are great about each situation. My life was not empty when I didn't have children and it is not always fullfilling now that I have them. Having children has given me some of my greatest joys, and also some of my greatest heartbreaks.

Children are not something you own that make or break you. A child is a person not an extention of yourself. You guide them, love them, nurture them and introduce them to their surroundings and to the stages of life. In return, you are loved, cared about and reminded that everyday is new. You get your youth back.

I love being a mom and grandmother...but, it isn't something everyone wants to be. I know that I am a better person for all the sacrifice and giving that parenting requires. Also, I know that I would be a very self-centered person if I didn't have children but that doesn't mean that everyone would be that way.

There are plenty of children around that need love and attention....just volunteer at a school or a daycare. It is a good way to try on parenting without taking the plunge. Volunteer long enough (several months)so that you get involved with the children and their walks of life. Your life will be changed forever. Then, decide if you want your own children. Whatever your decision, it will be an informed decision that will involve your heart and your head.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Steve Smith, St. Louis, MO — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:29:50 GMT

I can certainly understand that Mr. Byrum made his decision based on the fact he simply did not want children and that the fact that his family line will not continue as a result did not influence his decision.

My situation is the opposite in that I very much want children but am not able to do so in the usual biological way. I would love to adopt a child or children some day, but in my case it is because I truly want children and is not at all as a result of concern over whether my family line continues. Biologically speaking it won't.

If Mr. Byrum should change his mind, there are many children in this world who need to be adopted.

It is most unfortunate that we live in a society that, for the most part arbitrarily discriminates against single men as adoptive parents. Being married does not arbitrarily make a person a good parent and lack thereof does not arbitrarily make a person a bad parent.

One thing that I do feel is requisite for being a good parent is the desire to be one. If Mr. Byrum is certain he does not want children he made the right decision.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Julie ~Las Vegas, Nevada~ — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:30:39 GMT

I've known ever since I was 17 that I didn't want to have kids because I saw then (15 years ago)the way kids were headed and knew that things would only get worse. I'm truly scared for the future of this country, when the children of today become adults. :(

Vasectomy Before Children?

Jen, Wyoming — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:31:58 GMT

I was so glad to read this story, my husband & I have been together for 18years. He had his vasectomy at 34, and we wish he had done it sooner. Not having children is a choice, it does not make a person selfish, some people are so selfish & needy they need the love of a child. And for the people who think the childless society is going to be alone as they grow old, don't fool yourselves, after working in long-term health care family visits are few and far, for the elderly. It is obvious Toby is secure and intelligent, because there is more thought put into the choice not to have kids, then to just have them because that is what society expects.

Vasectomy Before Children?

R, WA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:32:38 GMT

What we are witnessing is Darwin's great plan in action.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Paula E, Rialto, CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:33:17 GMT

Since when did having kids guarantee anyone that there would be someone to take care of them and/or share their lives with when they were older? Ask some of the people left in retirement/rehab homes where they kids/grandkids are and why no one visits them? We are all NOT meant to be parents!! I had my tubes tied at 37 (now 48), and although there are a few moments of regret, 95% of me is STILL glad I made the decision I did! I have lots of nieces and nephews (related and not), that I share time, experiences and love with, but I am not a mother! I don't consider myself to be selfish at all. Maybe if EVERYONE stopped and thought about the lifelong responsibility it is to have children, there would be NO abused, neglected, and abandoned children in the world!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Daryl, honolulu,Hawaii — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:33:42 GMT

Question: (it may not be fair) Could he appear selfish? Appear not to be leadership material? or immature? Many may applaud his decision because they don't want the children they raised and wished they never took on the responsibility.
Somehow. Someday. Someone who sees this man may make a gut decision about who he is and find that because he made the choice not to "lead a household" to coin a phrase, suggests something about his character. We can all hope that it is not a chief executive with a multi-million dollar oppertunity ... but in that day; will it be the one looking back from the mirror.

Vasectomy Before Children?

rhia, overseas — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:33:59 GMT

how can anybody here say that this man is selfish? why is he selfish for choosing to ensure that he doesn't have children when he doesn't want children? why is it selfish for somebody to choose to decide not to have children, but it's not selfish for somebody to choose to have children? isn't the latter MORE selfish - selfish for bringing a living human being into this world because of their own whimsical desires?

Vasectomy Before Children?

Daisy, New Hampshire — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:34:11 GMT

Hey, Joan? If you're so fulfilled by having had kids, why do you feel the need to repeatedly hector the childfree people posting to this forum with moronic questions that we've all heard before? If you were really happy with your choice, you wouldn't need everyone else to validate it by imitating it.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Craig, Elkhorn Wi — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:34:43 GMT

I am single, 29, & have been looking at having a vasectomy also for the last two years. My family doctor advised strongly against it so I went to another. They would do it, but without insurance the cost ($1500) is out of line for a 20 minute outpatient procedure. So I will wait until my work has insurance & have it done then. At this point I just don't want to be 55 or 60 with a child still living at home.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Diane, Washington — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:35:02 GMT

I think its great what this guy chose and did for himself. I was 21 when I wanted my tubes tied and they would not do it and insisted that I just need birth control methods and that I was too young to make that choice. I am 30 now and my choices have not changed. I still want to have it done so I know I will not have to worry about pregnancy again. I had one child when I was very young and although I am greatful for her and happy to be her mother, I am also looking forward enjoying a life of my own in a few years. The doctors told me that what if I meet someone special or what if I later decide I want another one? I dont have kids for the likes of someone else, and if I want more kids I will gladly adopt or make sure I date someone that has kids. There are options.
I wish more men were not so apprehensive about getting this procedure done. So many of them talk about not wanting kids, put alot of the pressure on the woman because they are so scared to have there business messed with. I hope they can read this article and get a little more faith in the procedure and how much this could actually benefit.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Kwinn E Kastrosky Royse City, TX — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:35:34 GMT

I had my vasectomy done when I was 23. Didn't have any kids and didn't bank any sperm. I don't find this story so interesting because that was 31 years ago. Yes I am 54 now, and I have NEVER regretted this decision.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Diane Boston, MA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:35:40 GMT

I hope that young people who chose sterilzation as a means of birth control never regret this fairly drastic choice. But to all the people who are saying "Who's going to visit you when you are old?" Isn't that sort of a selfish view of procreation? I had a family because of love. I loved my husband and I love my sons. I hope they'll want to have a close relationship with me when I am older, but I also hope my life is filled with other people who love me and whom I love. Being "Child free" doesn't mean love free- any more than having children assures you of loving relationships with them in the future.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Ryan J - Ft. Worth, TX — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:36:47 GMT

Q: Why is this news? A: Because there is a stigma about people who do not have kids. We are looked down on by family (Our parents who want grandkids) and employers (we don't get to take off for sick kids, school plays, or when the kids have to be picked up from school of school holidays). I wish I could thank the doctor that performed his procedure and buy him a case of his favorite beer. Everyday, my wife or I get asked "When are you having kids?" or "Have you changed your mind yet?" Those questions usually follow "You won't believe what my litlle @#$%&* did today!" So for everyone who says I and my wife are bad people for not wanting to bring another life into this world, I have a nice spot on my posterior for your lips.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Jennifer Longo — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:37:05 GMT

Who cares??????? It's his personal decision. This is making news???! It's a reversable procedure by the way.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Melody, Pittsburgh, PA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:37:58 GMT

i would like to assure all the commentators worried about Toby's future social life that there are plenty of women out there who view a vasectomy as a great big plus when looking for a partner. My partner had a vasectomy when he was 26 after an unplanned pregnancy and miscarriage by his first wife -- her health was too precarious to allow for a tubal ligation, so the doctors asked him to have the vasectomy. I met him 14 years later, and his sterilization is a big reason we are still happily together a decade later, because I knew from the age of four (yes, that young) that I never wanted to have any children, and the 33 intervening years haven't changed my mind one little bit. Statistics show about 20% of women will not have children, and even if only half of those women are childless by choice, that leaves a potential 12 - 15 million women for Toby to date. He will find someone if he wants, and I bet she'll think she's a lucky woman to have him!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Laura, Buffalo, New York — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:38:11 GMT

13 years ago I met Mr. right and fell in love and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. He felt the same way. However, four months after we
started dating he had a vasectomy because he never wanted children. It was devastating to me because I always wanted children. I continued to date him and even got engaged thinking I could live without children. So I packed my bags one day knowing I could not marry someone who did not want kids. However, Mr. Right was in love too and changed his mind. We got married, he had a reversal (extremely painful!) and we are the proud parents of two children. He is a great Dad with no regrets. All I have to say is ... your decisions at 28 may change at 36 if you meet the right person! The goods news you can have a reversal!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Donna, San Diego, CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:38:29 GMT

Why is it that so much of what I have read is putting him down for his decision? He's old enough to know what he wants! Is this selfish? I don't think so.

After the birth of my daughter (perhaps 6 months to a year later) I asked my doctor about a tubal ligation when I was in my early 20's He told me that Kaiser would not approve a tubal on someone under 25. Also; what happened if, God forbid, something happened to my daughter? This is thought process of doctors.

As time would have it, I had a second child, the son my then husband had to have. I love both of my children dearly, but not all of us are meant to be parents and not all of us are real good at it.

For all of the people who have a parent complex, more power to you. Just because you can have kids doesn't mean you should and I praise people for knowing what they want in life.

It is not selfish - ITS REALISTIC!!!!!!!!!!!!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Max Rodz, New York, NY — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:39:09 GMT

What about women getting their tubes tied if they haven’t had children? They can't!!!! Why doctors are OK with this decision when is a man asking for it, but when a woman asks her gynecologist he says no, no, no way. What is up with that? I am tired of taking the pill, I don’t really trust condoms, and I won’t risk getting pregnant. I am 30 years old and married. I am very happy with the prospect of not having to wake up at 2am to feed a kid ever in my life. I love children; other people's children. I buy a lot of presents for my young cousins and nephews, and my friend’s 4 kids. I baby-sit, I spend lots of time with them. I love them to death. But I don't have to bring them home with me. Yes, some may say that the rewards of parenthood are greater than all the trouble, but that is YOUR view of it, not mine. I respect your view, please respect mine. And while my way of thinking might sound very selfish to some people, I am not responsible for keeping the world population going; the purpose of my life is not to reproduce. Am I too young to make this decision? Would my "clock start ticking" when I hit 40? Probably. I might get the urge to have children one day, but I would rather adopt a 2-yr-old or older kid or become a foster parent for kids that are in real need right now. Toby, good for you that you were able to get your vasectomy. I only wish I could do the same. I’ll just keep asking my doctor.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Kristy S. CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:39:46 GMT

I am pro-life. So I think a vasectomy is a good thing to do. No one should have kids if they do not want them...but I think a woman getting an abortion is not something that should be done either. So, I support birth control, and getting sterilized. Why not? And if a person does want kids, adoption? That is a good thing.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Joe Smith, Bradenton FL — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:40:12 GMT

I applaud the decision, though I would have gone to the "bank" first just in case. People forget about the divorce rate in this country and the fact that men don't usually don't get the children. The men often face financial ruin as a result. Children are wonderful but they aren't really "his" they're "her children". Glad to see Toby is taking charge of his life!

Vasectomy Before Children?

Kasia M. Abbotsford, BC — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:40:25 GMT

After sitting back and reading everyone's blog I am deeply saddened that our world around us is all about us - you. I can guarantee every person who applauded this young mans decision were at one point in there parents life a small burden. But I'm equally as certain that the parents' experience of raising them was beautifully rewarding nonetheless. Luckily for them there parents were selfless enough to give them life, even if it wasn't perfect. I certainly agree that there are some individuals who should not procreate, but this mindset has become a culture of this generation. Life is not about fancy cars or big houses but about giving something back to this earth, to life. We as humans have made the advances that we have because of the past generations instinct to procreate and progress - to advance as a species.
I am a 33 year old mother of 6 and I have a profound purpose in life that is far bigger than myself. I see the potenial of life and creativity for this world in my children's eye's and in their spirit to learn and live. Parenthood is a beautiful journey that anyone would be blessed to embark on and to hear so many people choose to make life only about them and their own desires is dissapointing and ultimately superficial and one-dimensional.
Hooray to all the parents out there!!!! We may very well be a dying species.
God Speed

Vasectomy Before Children?

BOB, Phoenix, AZ — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:41:16 GMT

Had mine done when I was 27. My then girlfriend and now wife of 13 years watched. We have never looked back. Our lives are AWSOME. We are both doctors and help many people. There is no lack in our lives, no hole, no need, no guilt. I have read opinions from both sides of this "debate" what a crock. My life rules! Yoy don't have to have kids just because.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Tim, South Dakota — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:41:15 GMT

I'm thorougly enjoying how many people are looking down on Toby while others are putting him on a pedastal. It's his business, why are we judging this man? If those that say he will be lonely and pathetic in old age are right, then so waht? Toby will pay that price. It makes no difference to anyone. I also like how it's God's Plan that all be fruitful and multiply. What if Toby is part of a plan that only works if he is childless? I think it's a mistake to presume we know what God wants. There are other ways to have an impact in the world other than having children. I'm a teacher. I have the potential to touch literally thousands of lives without having children. Perhaps Toby is meant to get married later on and adopt a child who will end up being the next Messiah. If Toby were to have children, he wouldn't adopt this person and help shape their world to come to our aid. It seems to me there are many people who seem "selfish," but there are far more that need to get off of their high horse.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Candy, Raleigh, NC — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:42:23 GMT

I would like to see the Today show run a story on the social group No Kidding! It might shed some light on how many people are making the choice to remain childfree. I applaud Toby's decision. As a 31 year old female, every doctor I have asked, has refused to perform a tubal ligation because I have not yet had children.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Jim, Ventura, CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:43:53 GMT

I'm actually glad this clown made this decision. There's a good chance that if he had kids, they would be a lot like him... self-centered and self serving. How do his parents feel about his decision?

I know I'll take a lot of heat for this comment, but why have people strayed so far from what God intended to help make their lives truly happy? Man and woman united in marriage in a loving, caring relationship and raising children. That was his plan for us and everybody comes up with their own idea about how it should be. How sad that we are becoming a godless society that doesn't care for anything except our own "happiness".

Vasectomy Before Children?

Matt Grunow, Charlotte, NC — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:46:34 GMT

I have had my vasectomy for over 4 years now. My wife and I are extremely happy we committed to never having children. The planet is overpopulated, the resources are dwindling, and after the childhoods we both had we decided not having children was the logical choice. There is no law stating "to be married means you absolutely must reprodcue". I also don't buy the "all women have that maternal instinct" arguement. Anyway, the vasectomy was the best $20 copay I ever spent!

Vasectomy Before Children?

bob, phoenix — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:46:57 GMT

I am a health care professional who has worked in nursing homes. They are full of old people who have many kids, grand kids and great grands that don't ever come to see them. All this selfish talk is from the good catholic folks...the ones who get their kids raped.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Anthony Williams — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:47:41 GMT

A lot of people have mentioned that doctors won't perform tubal ligation on a female unless she is of a certain age, or has had a certain number of children. People think this is unfair. It might be, but I think he's extremely smart to protect himself from an unwanted pregnancy and forced responsibility. Remember, once a woman's pregnant, a man's wallet doesn't even belong to him anymore. We don't get any choices in that regard. So...for all those who think it's not fair, it's not fair on both sides. Two wrongs don't make a right....but it certainly seems like we try to force them to. I agree with that man's decision. I'm 28, and also intend to have the same procedure within the next year or so.

Vasectomy Before Children?

DL — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:48:32 GMT

More people should choose not to have children.
There are too many people in the world as it is.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Nanette Fisher, Twin Falls, Idaho — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:48:53 GMT

I applaud Toby for taking responsibility for himself. He is safeguarding his decision to not have children and wont end up in a sticky situation with a woman and unwanted children. I see so many children that are not wanted, provided for or even bathed and fed. It is heartbreaking to see innocent lives ruined from day one by adults who do not want to be parents.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Elizabeth , OKC OK — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:49:18 GMT

It is nobody's business but his own as to why he wanted no children. I wish more people made the choice while they still have a choice because once you have a kid it is way too late to change your mind. 7 billion miracles crowding the planet is plenty and plenty of people who just let "nature take it's course" regret the nonchoice they made every single day. We ALL pay for those mistakes made by unthinking people and no one is going to have a pay a dime to house, feed or educate the unwanted children of this man.
Selfish is people who expect the "village" to pay for THEIR choices. This man is the opposite of selfish.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Ellie Vaughn , Portland, OR — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:50:07 GMT

Good for you. Your choice is just that YOUR choice. All the buttinskys should mind their own business.

Vasectomy Before Children?

fernando M. Alvarado Veiga, Guadalajara, Jalisco, Mexico — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:50:14 GMT

UNFORTUNATELY, IT SEEMS THAT ONLY THE PEOPLE WHO USES ITS BRAIN, THINK ABOUT VASECTOMY. VASECTOMY WITHOUT OR WITH CHILDREN. THER IS A LOT OF COUNTRIES THAT THINKS THAT THE MEASURE OF YOUR "MALE QUALITY" IS DIRECTLY PROPORTIONAL TO THE NUMBER OF CHILDS YOU HAVE, MANY TIMES NOT WITH THE SAME WOMAN. iT IS SAD!! THINKERS ARE A RACE IN EXTINCTION.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Meghan Rittenberry, Chicago, IL — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:50:44 GMT

I applaud Toby's decision! My husband and I are both 27 years old. 2 years ago we made the decision, together, that he would have a vasectomy because we do not want children. I get so tired of hearing from friends and family that we will regret our decision, that we are too young to know what we want. In our case, and in Toby's so it seems, we are educated young professionals that seem to have our lives very much in order. We know exactly what we want in our lives and took the steps to see that we get it. Not everyone wants to be a parent. That doesn't mean we were abused children or that there is some underlying meaning to our decision that should be drawn out in therapy! My husband and I both have amazing, supportive families. We are simply two people who do not want children in our lives. Why is that such a hard decision for the general public to respect?

Vasectomy Before Children?

Rebecca, Chalk Mountain, Texas — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:50:55 GMT

I'm 29 and infertile. Let me tell you, folks, I danced for joy when the doc broke the news. I've known since I was a teenager that I did not want kids, so the news was a welcome relief.

If my body had not already made the decision for me, I was going to start pressuring my doctor for permanent sterilization. If someone has the right to have a child, that person also has the right to prevent that from happening.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Drew Dusty, Moorpark, CA — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:52:57 GMT

Bravo! How refreshing to see a male have some say in whether or not he reproduces, vs leaving it 100% in the hands of the woman (regardless of whether she claims it's a "joint decision" or not). If he (and his spouse) wants to have children later, there are millions of kids in desperate need of adoption. This is far better for society than having your own children, which often happens for truly selfish reasons (wanting to create an image of yourself, wanting to trap your spouse, etc). His decision couldn't be more wise and unselfish. However, anyone considering this who feels the need to leave a "legacy" should indeed bank some sperm first.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Fred, Mishawaka, IN — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:53:15 GMT

I applaude Toby and his decision. I knew all my life I didn't want children and met a woman who felt the same way. Well, ooops!!we now have a wonderful daughter! I wouldn't change things of course but if someone chooses not to have biological children there are plenty of other option available for raising children. It is not a selfish decision to not have children. Ohh and by the way,a supposed higher being has nothing to do with with having children. Conversly, I believe it is a lack of responsibility to society for those people who end up having 6+ children. Of course we live in a country where we have the right to make those kinds of decisions.

Vasectomy Before Children?

James Smith West Geist, Indiana — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:53:22 GMT

"I think Mr. Byrum's decision is a testament to the selfishness of many people in today's society.
Marnie, Salt Lake City, Utah (Sent Wednesday, October 03, 2007 10:22 AM)"

It is not selfish. It is a personal choice and really nobody's business but his.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Toni Southeatern CT — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:54:21 GMT

Wow so many people who are passing judgement on someone who made a choice that affects no one but himself. It is not selfish to choose not to have a child. It is selfish to have one because society says we should. I have two that I love more than life itself, but I have seen my share of parents who should have made the decision that Toby did.

Just because Toby or anyone else does not want to reproduce does not mean that they can not give back to the world. Mother Theresa never had gave birth to a child, but her love and kindness affected more people than I will ever affect.

Live and love your life. Listen to others and respect their choices. If it is not causing harm to someone then leave them alone.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Renee Gadsby, Buffalo, NY — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:55:45 GMT

I applaud Toby for his decision. People should not have children for the sake of having them. Nor should they so they have someone to take care of them later in life. (With the money they save from not having kids they can afford a nursing home!) It is not a decision I personally would have made, I have one child, and he is my life, but each person is different. I have people who tell me I am selfish for only having one child, that it is unfair to not give my son a sibling. People need to start accepting that everyone has different wants and needs, and that is not always a bad thing.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Nikita Nanoutchka — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:55:45 GMT

I completely support this man for his CHOICE not to have children. Children are not always a blessing - they are demanding, expensive and high maintenance and then they become adults and go on to lead their own lives - some will take care of their parents and some will not. There is no guarantee they will take care of you or even talk to you when you are old. If you were nice to them, maybe they will be nice to you. If you were not so nice...well karma has a way of coming around. Some parents are abusive, more than we will ever know. Its not all fairy tale out there, and there is a lot that is bad about families. Incest, violence, low self esteem, adultery, divorce, verbal abuse, spousal abuse, children on drugs/alcohol, neglected kids, etc. A lot of people have children to improve their image to themselves and society - at the expense of the kids. Lets be honest folks - parenthood is not for everyone. Most likely the ones who choose not to be parents would actually make good ones - they are not bowing to conformity at the expense of innocent lives.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Adam, Milwaukee, WI — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:56:46 GMT

How is Toby, or anyone else who doesn't want kids, selfish? What about the men/women who want to volunteer overseas and not have the burden of a child? What about the men/women who would rather adopt an unwanted child than have their own? Or the people that know they are not fit for parenting? Seems to me that there are many other reasons people chose to not procreate, all of them perfectly valid and respectable. Who are we to judge someone else? I'll personally leave that up to God and follow my own calling to help people less fortunate then I, with or without a child. Some of you "christians" should get back to the real meaning of Christianity: Love; not the judgemental attitudes presented on this message board. Many people will leave lasting, loving legacies with many other people than their children and I applaude each and every one of them.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Nanette Fisher, Twin Falls, Idaho — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:57:11 GMT

I would bet that the people here who are unsupportive of this mans decison are probably the same people who are anti-abortion. I think sterilization is a great leap in the right direction, no unwanted pregnancy=no abortion. Think about that all of you who want to criticize this mans decision

Vasectomy Before Children?

Daisy, New Hampshire — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:58:43 GMT

So many fools, so little time to respond...

Christy Jo: "Sometimes I think back to the days when I was free to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and I feel sort of hollow and dead. I was nobody before I was graced with the *unconditional* love of a child.

"Toby has made a silly, immature, irrational decision - upwards of 35 I can more easily understand, but 28? This kid has no idea what he just did."

Twenty-eight is not a "kid." Don't we infantilize young adults enough in this culture? And just because you felt "hollow and dead" before you had your son doesn't mean the rest of us share that feeling.

Also, your child's love is only "unconditional" for a short while. There are many, many people out there who have cut off contact with their toxic parents.

Diane Poe: "So Toby, I support your decision. I just ask that you support your co-worker who needs to leave work on time to pick up a child and asks you to stay late to finish up the big project because you do not hold the responsibility of a child. You stay late because you can. Just remember, you get to sleep in on weekends, drink hot coffee, and read the paper. Those of us with children, where we are fully engaged with our offspring, gave up those days for years."

You chose to have children. Why should the rest of us have to work more hours for the same (or less) pay because you made that choice? Especially considering that you get all the tax breaks? Bed, made, lie. As for your daughter taking care of us down the road, that's hardly guaranteed.

Jeff in Boise: "Freeloading." BAHAHA. Our taxes go toward your kids, who use far more services than we do, so please stop guilt-tripping us. And, as stated above, there's no guarantee they're all going to grow up to be productive members of society.

Natalia Shawgo: "What if his parents would have said that before he was conceived??????? I think that is just so wrong to make a cmment like that. Hope it comes back and bights him in the rear.... Where would we be if everyone thought like this moron????"

Ah, yes, "Parenting makes you a better person." Nice to see that someone with such a wonderful command of English is raising the next generation, too.

David McClellan: Take your meds, please.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Shannon — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:59:16 GMT

Joan, you are an animal too! What a moron...

Vasectomy Before Children?

Kitty, LV, NV — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 23:59:19 GMT

For those who think 28 is too young for such a decision, how about this? When I was 7 years old I decided I never wanted to give birth, that I would only adopt. I believed that having kids was just something everyone did. I came to realize eventually, that this did not have to be true.

WHen I was 28, I met my husband (an only son from India!). Before we even met, we had reached a decision that neither of us wanted to have or adopt kids. Almost 7 years later, we're still happily married w/o kids and w/o regrets!

Ladies who don't want kids: if I can find a man who feels the same way about kids as I do, who comes from a country where not having kids is practically scandalous, then so can you.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Ken — Thu, 04 Oct 2007 00:00:26 GMT

I'm confused about being selfish. When I pick up and move or just go on vacation with my wife or just buy something nice for my self, I don't feel anything but great.

Please help me with this selfish thing

Vasectomy Before Children?

Heather Warner, Corona, California — Thu, 04 Oct 2007 00:01:34 GMT

I have a hard time accepting those who say that this is a selfish act on his part to not want children. He has his reasons and it is better to know and follow that then to have children and be unhappy or not a good parent. I have always known I did not want children and as a female I had to undergo therapy and counseling for a year before they would give me a tubal ligation at the age of 35, with no children. I then had a tubal and they found other issues and 5 months later had a complete hysterectomy. I always knew I did not want children of my own, I have wonderful "nieces" and "nephews" and love them dearly, if I ever "choose" to have children I can always adopt a child who has lost their family, for whatever reason, maybe even because they should not have been parents to begin with. I give credit to a young man who made a choice and is comfortable with it, and I wish more people were "unselfish" in choosing to not have children for the right reasons! Maybe some day women will be able to lead happier and healthier lives earlier without all the hoops and pressure of becoming "mothers" I know I am still a very real woman and happier and much healthier for what I have done for myself.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Adam — Thu, 04 Oct 2007 00:01:48 GMT

GO TOBY!!!!
Please - all the sad tales of you won't have anyone to visit U when you are old, you are selfish, too young to make this decision and what about your legacy.
I challenge anyone who thinks this is a horrific idea to visit their state web site to look @ all the children who need to be adopted. There are so many children in the world right now who need their own home and we are arguing about how horrible it is that some is making a decision not to procreate.
It is archaic to think we still need everyone in the world to have their own children.
Yes thoughts and opinions do change as one gets older but its ultimately the individuals decision which equals the individuals choice.

Vasectomy Before Children?

Mike Shutts, Buena Park, CA. — Thu, 04 Oct 2007 00:02:54 GMT

I think it is entirely his prerogative to do with his body as he wishes (sound familiar, "right to choosers"....???).

Vasectomy Before Children?

Amy, San Diego, Ca — Thu, 04 Oct 2007 00:03:53 GMT

My husband and I are chosing to remain child free. Yes, we like children, but we don't feel the need to pass on our DNA or continue to over populate the earth. I'm an 8th grade teacher, my husband is in the medical profession, we are serving our community and dedicating our time to helping other people's children. People should think twice before judging someone for not wanting children. Many people might argue that having a child without being able to properly care for it is selfish. In fact, you could argue that a man asking a woman to risk her life, to give up her body, to go through the physical pain to give him a child is also selfish, regardless of his ability to care for it.